Survivor of Domestic Violence: My Journey from Trauma to Freedom

I am a double survivor of domestic violence. When I was 19, I was fresh in the military, specifically the Marine Corps. As a woman who accomplished this, I felt so much pride and confidence every time I put on my uniform. I met a fellow Marine in my unit who used to woo me with gifts and take me on dates, and at 19 it seemed like love. Being in the military, it was common to get married quickly so that you can move out of the barracks. The Marine that I married had served in Iraq and experienced so much trauma that he never discussed with anyone. I did not know it was exacerbating his mental health decline. When he proposed, I thought “This is what I’m supposed to do. My life is going in the right direction.” The literal day after we got married, he started doing things like telling me I couldn’t spend money – even though I had my own income. We spent our honeymoon at Disneyland, and when I went to get hot chocolate, he told me there’s no way I’m going to spend four dollars on one. We were going to go out to the club with some friends, and he told me that I couldn’t wear what I was wearing because I looked like a slut, I had to wear a baggy T-shirt and jeans. I felt so out of place with my attire and embarrassed. Somebody looked at me as they walked by and he said “Why don’t you go dance with them you hoe?” This is how it started. This is how it all started – with a sense of control. He started calling my family and telling them that I was out all night with different men when that wasn’t the case, and that I was an alcoholic. The first night he punched a hole in the wall and threw a dish across the room – I called my mom, but she didn’t believe me because he had gotten to her first. He alienated me from my family so that I had no support. One night when I was sleeping, I woke up to my voicemails on speaker loudly playing into my ear, I asked him what he was doing. He said I know there’s something on here from someone else you’re seeing – even though there was clearly not. I tried to grab my phone from him and he threw it towards my head. It barely missed my head and hit the wall and shattered into pieces. When I asked him why he did that he grabbed the wooden baseboard of the bed and ripped it right off and threw it across the room, and as I lied on the bed, I fell forward off the mattress. He got close to me and put his fist to my face threatening to kill me. As a Marine, I had a spark in me that got the courage to get right back in his face and say if you try to kill me, I will kill you first and if I can’t someone else will come for you. I saw his eyes start to come back to reality, and he slowly left the apartment. The next day I saw a news article that the wife of a Marine was murdered and found strangled in her apartment room. They went on to say that he never physically hit her before, but he would throw dishes and punch holes in the wall. This resonated so much with me, I moved out the next day. He told me later on after the divorce was finalized that if I hadn’t had stood up to him, he is certain that he would’ve killed me that night. It was an eerie feeling to hear that. Years later at 30, I still had never been able to trust anyone to be in a serious relationship with until I met my current husband. I thought I had finally found my fairytale love. Unfortunately, after we had a child, he started becoming verbally abusive, such as calling me derogatory terms such as slut and c*** in front of the children. If I ever tried to leave the relationship, he told me he would take my children from me and all my money – since I was the supporter of the household. The first time he grabbed my wrists I pushed him away and called the police. I told them what happened, including that I pushed him away, and was in shock when they put me in handcuffs. The police report stated that he said he never grabbed my arms, and that I came out of nowhere and pushed him. This was his way way of ripping away the confidence that I had and putting me in my place. After that situation, he constantly used that as a reason that he would get custody of our child if I ever left him. I couldn’t imagine my child living without me and with someone who is verbally abusive to me and the children , so I stayed for years more. He told me he would also get my money since I made more than him so that I wouldn’t have a place to live. For some reason, I believed all of these things because of the fear of losing my children. But it wasn’t until he grabbed my wrist so hard and wouldn’t stop and my toddler had to come start hitting Dad to get him away from me that I realized this wasn’t the best option for my children either. I had ended the relationship, but he refused to leave the household. He would call me names in front of the kids every day and tracked my every move. When I finally moved on and he found out by going through my phone, he went to the garage and loaded up one of his many rifles. He looked like he was about to go to war. I asked him if he was going to hurt me, and he just stared at me with a blank look in his eye, a look that I was very familiar with. He had his finger near the trigger of a loaded gun in a fit of rage. This time my confidence was gone. I didn’t stand up to him. I didn’t call the police, in fear that he would spin it on me again. I just knew possibly that night that I could die. He threatened to go find the person that I had went on a date with and told me he was going to kill him. When he came back, he said he had pointed his gun towards his head through the window of his house and then kept reminding me that if I talk to him again, he will shoot him in the head. I still didn’t leave. What if he does get custody of our child and he leaves his weapons out loaded like he always does, and I’m not there to protect my son? He proceeded to be verbally abusive to me in front of my kids. I felt helpless. I had my confidence stripped away. I didn’t feel like the Marine that I used to be, and I blamed myself. Why would I let this happen to me again? Why would I make this choice? Why do I keep picking people like this? Is it because of my childhood trauma? There must be something wrong with me. I have diverse people in my family, who he offended to the point where they no longer spoke to me because of him, so I had no support again. He would call them faggots and illegal immigrants. My son who is Mexican would overhear racial slurs. I am working on remembering the Marine that is inside me and the confidence I once had to allow myself to have a happy life without control and abuse, for my children as well. Simply talking to a therapist and an attorney, even if it is legal aid, helped me gain back confidence little by little. Abuse is not always a punch to the face. It is not your fault. These types of people are really good at wiggling their way in, and when they finally have you vulnerable, manipulating every situation. We do our best with what we have and know at the time. It is important to go easy on yourself and not place blame. I consider myself a Survivor. And I hope others know that there are different ways to take a safe route out of the relationship, and once that part happens, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness and freedom. By Survivor Camille