Survivor Story: I Was Afraid of Losing My Family and Being Alone

Written by: Annie, Survivor

*This story is one from a series of four submitted by the survivor.

I remember the first time I got punched. I fell against the wall and sobbed. I remember being called a “pussy” because I was crying. I remember a few specific phone calls when I called some of my best friends from back home. On one of those calls, I was crying so hard, asking for advice – begging for answers – and feeling completely lost not knowing what the hell I should do.

I saw other couples all the time who looked so happy, and I constantly asked myself, “Why am I staying with someone who hurts me like this?” So many times, I wished that I could trade places with these couples, strangers that I knew nothing about but saw their happiness radiating off them and wished so badly that I could be them.

Thinking back, there were a few specific times that I thought that I was going to die. I remember locking myself in my bedroom or the bathroom for hours so I could try and convince myself that I was okay.

The holes in the wall from him punching it should have been a dangerous sign, but I ignored it because I wanted to help him. I could go on and on and list all the things he broke of mine: a few phones, an iTouch, a tablet, a computer, and a body mirror. There were so many things that at this point I’ve pretty much lost count.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “Annie, you are good enough; you’re a good wife. He didn’t mean it, stop crying!” as tears were rolling down my face. I cried myself to sleep most nights but put on a big smile during the day. The last few years stirred up a lot of mixed emotions. At first, I felt love, but now I don’t think it was really love at all. It wasn’t the love I deserved. Getting cheated on wasn’t even comparable to other things that were going on behind the scenes… but they all hurt, and I let it destroy me for years.

I felt betrayal, anger, loneliness, and heartache… but mostly I felt fear – fear that my relationship was ending and that I would be all alone; I was so terrified of that. So terrified that I was willing to stay with someone who betrayed my trust. So terrified that I was willing to accept being treated as less than I deserved. I worried that my family would be destroyed. I left college for this guy and moved hundreds of miles away to be with him. I dealt with a lot of things I shouldn’t have had to deal with because I loved him and wanted to make him happy – even if it meant I wasn’t.

He said he didn’t know why he did what he did; he’d apologize so many times, and he’d hold me even when I didn’t want to be held. Usually, he would blame the military for his actions, and then he’d flip the script and make it all my fault by making me think that I was the bad guy – that I was the reason for his actions and that I was the ONLY one to bring out his “crazy side.” He said he was “fine before me.” I know now that it wasn’t true though.

He convinced me that nobody would ever find me attractive – that nobody would want or love me – and I 100% believed that…

I hoped and prayed that things would get better. I booked nice vacations and planned out day trips to the lake. I did everything I could to saver my marriage, but it wasn’t good enough. I know that when I say this, I’m not the only one that has felt this way. I know some of you have been there.

I know that there are a lot of us that stay in bad relationships because we have convinced ourselves that being disrespected is better than being alone. It took me a while to realize that I shouldn’t fear that. I thought that I couldn’t do anything by myself because, for the most part, I relied on him so much for everything. If I had never realized my strength, I wouldn’t have stayed away, and I probably wouldn’t have ever started modeling again. I sure as hell wouldn’t have rediscovered my love for music if I continued to “listen” and “settle.” I was convinced for so long that if I followed my dreams, I would lose my family and everything else around me.

One day, though, I woke up and decided I wasn’t going to settle anymore! I slowly but surely remembered who Annie was – the girl with her own goals and dreams – and now I’m finding myself again… the “Annie” that was tucked away for so long.

In the end, I did end up losing my family… BUT I didn’t end up losing it all. When I look at my beautiful boy, I know that I’m doing the right thing. Even though I’m a single mom and ALONE, I know that I can accomplish anything. I’m going to teach my son what love really is, and from this point on, I’m never going to make the same mistake again. I’m never going to give that power to anyone ever again either.

I’m still fighting this fight, but I won’t give up. My safety and my son’s safety are all that matters. I’m divorced now, but I still have to face my abuser. Every day I get stronger, and I don’t let his harsh words and actions hurt me anymore. PTSD therapy has helped so much, and I strongly recommend victims to start therapy because it really helps the healing process. As far as my situation goes, I will continue to fight for my son, and hopefully, someday we will be completely free.

“No one has the power to shatter your own dreams unless you give it to them.” – Maeve Greyson

“No one has the right to disrespect you; no one should make you feel worthless.”

I hope by me revealing some of my hidden secrets that you will realize your own worth and that you will stop settling too! ❤

**If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org, chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777, or send a private message through our Facebook page.

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