Written by: Yamile, Survivor
When is it love, and when is it abuse?
- “I thought it would never happen to me.”
- “I thought he was going to change for me because he loved me.”
- “I thought he was possessive because he loved me.”
These are some of the common factors in stories of domestic violence and sexual abuse by an intimate partner. I’m not going to tell you something new. My story has these same components, but maybe I can help other women identify abuse on time.
In 2016, after three years in a relationship, my ex-boyfriend tried to kill me. At the beginning of our relationship, his behaviors were normal. Just one year later everything changed.
The abuse began with psychological and sexual violence. He was jealous; he made hurtful jokes and made me feel ridiculous. He hit me “playing” and forced me to have sex. He destroyed my personal items and made aggressive caresses. He made me feel inferior all the time, to the point where I was feeling guilty about the abuse.
Just to mention one of those many moments: one day he made me faint with a ‘pressure point’ by holding my neck tightly. When I woke up, he had torn off my clothes and raped me. Every time things like this happened, he asked me for forgiveness. He acted as if nothing had happened and even became an ‘exemplary boyfriend,’ cooking for me, bringing breakfast to bed, and confusing my mind.
After many of these incidents, I began to realize that the relationship was toxic. I was afraid to finish it because he had threatened to kill me if I ended it. Part of me thought he was going to change, so I endured all kinds of abuse for two years until I had the courage to say, “No more.”
A month after making the decision to end the relationship, on January 31, 2016, the moment I feared the most came. I never thought that I would experience domestic violence because I believed that it only happened to women economically dependent or women without education or profession. However, this experience changed my mind, and I learned that domestic violence does not depend on social level. It can happen to any of us, like me.
I lived alone in a large city in Colombia, and my family lived in another city. I was completely independent economically. I am a journalist, and I was a high-ranking professional working as a communication consultant with the Interior Minister. Maybe that’s why I was also embarrassed to denounce the abuses of my ex.
At 8:15 at night, I heard someone was opening my apartment door. It was my ex; at that moment my horror movie began. He entered by force and locked the door, broke my phone on the floor, and started to hit me while I was screaming. When I could, I locked myself in the bathroom. He knocked down the door, threw me against the sink, pulled me out of the bathroom by my hair, and put his gun to my head. Fortunately, he did not shoot, but with one of those blows, my nose broke.
Certainly, my neighbors heard my screams and called the police. They arrived at 10:30, after more than two hours of being assaulted. Finally, after an exchange of shots between the officers and my ex, I managed to get out alive.
The domestic violence laws in Colombia are too weak, so he was only in prison for 34 hours. Meanwhile, I had facial reconstruction surgery, and I couldn’t work for a month.
That January 31st, I thought I was going to die. On the contrary, it was the day I learned to live. Now, I love myself, I respect myself, and ask the same of others.
From this accident – almost a tragedy – I discovered purpose: to identify a toxic relationship and symptoms of abuse early and teach this to other women. Also, I discovered my inner strength. I am definitely a new person; I enjoy my life every single day.
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