Domestic violence and its effects can spread through the victim and their loved ones like a wildfire. I’ve been on both sides of that– first as the one going through it directly; and, second, as the one helping a friend in need of a way out. Many see the topic of domestic violence as an “uncomfortable subject”, but considering the prevailing statistics – 1 out of 4 women and 1 out of 9 men will encounter partner abuse– each adult in our society should be prepared for how to respond when it is someone they know or love.
Prepare to set aside psychological discomfort and be a cheerleader
I learned very quickly that not a lot of people will say anything directly to the “victim” about what they see while it’s all happening. It is talked about behind closed doors. It may be an extra stress on a person in crisis to understand how or why those outsiders of the abuse look the other way. Some observers are closed off, some wait back to hear the good news, while others quietly fear the worst. When the victim finds courage to come through and break their silence, either still in the relationship or having gotten out, what he or she needs most is a community willing to embrace and cheer on this courage. To make it from victim to survivor, those experiencing partner violence need you on their cheer squad.
Whether a victim is trying to leave or staying to survive, the most important thing you can do for a victim of domestic violence is to show up without judgment or condemnation and provide love and support. What they really need is someone to listen to them. Likely, they have been suffering in silence for a long time, and they need to feel heard.
– Shana Gunder, “How Domestic Violence Impacts Our Community”, June 2023
When I first got home, it was difficult for my family, neighbors, and friends to ask me if I was ok. They didn’t know if I wanted– or needed–to talk about what had happened in my situation. As I began to come forward, to break my silence and tell my story, this helped them feel more comfortable around the subject. This made it ok for them to feel like they could help support me through the challenging process of building my life back. Having that support created a community of love around me when I needed it most.
Have patience for your loved ones, it is their journey to travel and their story to tell
I understand the “waiting game”. When you know things aren’t right for someone behind closed doors. When you have ‘that feeling’. When you see bruises and the tell-tale loss of confidence on someone you love. In my own experience being on the friend’s side– I was hoping and praying that my best friend would find the courage to get out. I never questioned her about her situation when we talked but also was open to listen. She knew I was there when she was ready.
One summer day, I was working on a dude ranch in Colorado, we got the call.
Here, I say “we” because everyone at that ranch became the community willing to back her. The moment she called, I was in the shower. The owner of the ranch started banging on my dorm room door. Alarmed, I jumped out and ran to the door. That’s when she said to me, “You’ve got to go. She called and she needs you.” I quickly threw on some sweats, jumped in my car, and drove as fast as I could into town to be there for her.
“From the outside looking in you can’t understand it, and from the inside out you can’t explain it.” That’s the best way to describe the situation. Have patience and be that person someone can depend upon when they finally see it’s time to go.
Nothing in life is free, including our freedom
As the community supports the survivor, there is a cost to helping that person through domestic violence and getting back on their feet. This may include, but is not limited to:
- Medical Costs
- Housing
- Food
- Transportation
- Child Care
- Pet food & care
Yes, there is a financial burden on the victim. This is especially true if they’ve had to leave abruptly. Yet, what we often forget to understand is that family, friends, charities, & taxpayers all see some of the financial reality, too. For instance, when I first returned to my family home I had next to nothing. There were two dogs, a few clothes, a TV, and a car. I was supported by the grace of my parents while I picked myself back up and started looking for a job. Not an easy task after being unemployed for (3.5) years. Meanwhile, they had a cost of living increase as they paid for pretty much everything I needed. Much of the rest of the community around me was willing to stretch themselves as well– by giving me clothing, shoes, and further necessities. People were sending me jobs postings. A sorority sister helped find me a furnished place to live at a cheap rent. This time can equate to a loss of productivity from paid work for these individuals. That said, the way their concerns shifted focus to cheering for my success was quite an incredible experience.
“According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the financial impact of domestic violence ranges from individual to societal. In fact, they say the lifetime economic cost associated with medical services, lost productivity from paid work, criminal justice, and other costs, was $3.6 trillion. The cost of domestic violence over a victim’s lifetime was $103,767 for women and $23,414 for men.” – Forbes, “Domestic Violence Has a Financial Impact Too”, October 2019
Consider the information above carefully, whether or not you have a loved one in need at this moment. The likelihood is very high that you will need these tips at some point in your life. The likelihood is that someone you care about will need you to be patient and strong while they find the strength to prioritize their survival. The best thing any of us can do as friends and family is listen and be ready to show support in a variety of ways. The most courageous thing a survivor can do is to be open and honest with those around them.
