By Emilie Trepanier
It is estimated that more than ten million people in the United States alone experience domestic violence a year. This means that nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner.
Twenty people per minute.
Not 20 men or 20 women or transgender or nonbinary people. Not 20 kids or 20 teens. Twenty people.
How often do you walk into a room with 20 people in it? When you’re at the mall or driving on the road, how easily could you guess there are 20 people around you? How fast does one minute fly by? Domestic violence doesn’t just happen to people in the news. It doesn’t just happen to those who are “easily manipulated” (whatever that means). It doesn’t just happen to the people who talk about it openly.
Perpetrators of domestic violence are everywhere. It only makes sense that their victims are everywhere, too.
Because talking about domestic violence is still seen as taboo in 2020, many survivors choose not to break their silence, even years after their trauma or healing. Many survivors are afraid of the backlash, of not being validated or believed, or simply just being vulnerable. Rejection after sharing something personal hurts no matter what it is. This is a real fear for many survivors.
What might a day in the life of one of those 20 people per minute look like? It’s hard to tell, since survivors are people, like you and me. However, survivors who have or haven’t broken their silence face loneliness.
According to a 2010 study, being lonely or living alone and having poor social connections can be as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes per day. Another study done in 2015 found that loneliness increases the risk of death by 29 percent.
Survivors live a double life, in a way. They live the life of “normalcy,” where they go to work, smile, ask about your day and tell you what they brought for lunch. They talk about the news and the current book they’re reading, about the funny thing their cat did the other day. They keep conversation light, they ask about you. How could you ever suspect the nightmare they escaped?
Misunderstandings can come easy with survivors of domestic violence, who likely lived their abusive life second-guessing their every move when facing their abuser. Abusers are master manipulators who make their victims feel powerless like they are to blame and nobody would believe them even if they tried reaching out for help. They are victims of isolation. This doesn’t just end after they have left their abuser. This is also why many survivors of domestic violence face loneliness, hiding their scars and keeping to themselves; regardless of whether or not they are introverts or extroverts.
Survivors likely don’t want to rock the boat. They could be the peacemaker at your job, shying away from gossip and opting to read a book during their lunch break. On the flip side, they could be the joyful person, always down to have a conversation and share a laugh. While these interactions are genuine, there is always more than meets the eye.
After living in isolated abuse, they might find that laughter is a gift, which is why they choose it so often.
The truth is that survivors take their secret life everywhere with them. They don’t get to control when they have a flashback or a trigger or a small reminder of their traumas. They don’t get to choose fight or flight. There are tools to help all people cope, but survivors are doing what the rest of us are doing while carrying their secrets and stress on their backs everywhere where they go.
A day in the life of a survivor probably looks very similar to your day, except that they are walking around with a haunted house in their mind.
Many survivors are made to feel weak when in reality, they are the strongest of us all.
If you are a survivor, understand that you can choose whether or not you break your silence. Waiting until you are ready, or until you feel you’ve met someone who can listen and who cares, is your choice. But you don’t have to carry around this burden. You are not weak, you are not alone, and so many stand with you. You deserve to feel whole, listened to and understood.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org or chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777.
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