While we tend to focus on the survivors of domestic violence, we also need to
remember the aftereffects of a child who witnesses their parents going through it. That’s
the worst, but what makes it the worst is who was involved, not meaning just the one
physically or verbally abused, but the kid (and I will use “kid”, because so many only
resonate with “child”) who was in the mix watching it all unfold. It sucks for all parties but
especially the kid.
“The effects of domestic abuse on children may be apparent within a short period, while other damages may be noticed in the long run. Short-term effects may
include; anxiety, PTSD, physical challenges, aggressive behavior, and physical abuse.
Whereas, the long-term effects lead to far worse including; depression, health
problems, and repeating abusive patterns.” How Witnessing Domestic Violence Affects
Children, February 2023
Sucks, which is why, thoughts rushed about how this article should be written and
addressed, as I was sitting in my car listening to music, the song, “There Goes My
Hero”, by the Foo Fighters, came on. It was the first time I had listened to the
lyrics, and for a song I thought was a “happy” song, I realized, it should be the anthem
for any kid who witnesses their parent assaulting their significant other.
It hit hard, as I listened and it made me think of a girl I used to know, and who went
through the worst, odd, but wanted the best for her stepson. As she told her stepson,
“I’m not going to leave you.” He ended up with sole custody of his mother, and that was
the best thing. As he didn’t need to endure anymore, ever. The abuser was served the
court documents, after that horrid night and that was that. She stayed until the stepson
was in control of the right person, and that relieved the daily stress of what he’d endure
with his dad when his dad had custody. She was tired of waking him up off the concrete
when he fell asleep because he had too much to drink mid-day. Most days I had a lot of
hope that we didn’t have any scenes when her stepson was home, with him and his
friends playing from house to house. She was glad he experienced growing-up
moments he had and lacked the experiences he could have had.
On his last night before full custody was taken, visitation became complicated. all the
things, his dad was beyond drunk and had passed out. The kid had asked to sleep in
the room with his stepmom, she said ok. He fell asleep, watching the Golden Girls with
her. She stayed awake, and sure enough, the abuser came up and tried to get into bed,
loud and yelling at 11 pm with the next day being a school day (thank goodness she was
able to get on video). She said, “He’s sleeping, please! If he hears this, it won’t be good
for you.” But he continued. Finally, she kicked him out of the bedroom, locked the door,
and prayed the kid slept through it. She knew he hadn’t.
The next morning, the abuser got up and asked why she was in a bad mood. She said, “You
You better hope to God, he didn’t hear you. Cause that’ll be it.” He brushed it off and went to
his job he’d lose shortly after. And he did lose that job too and was served custody
papers. Disgusting isn’t the best way to describe him.
“Children are not just eyewitnesses to domestic violence. They are actively involved in
trying to understand the abuse, predict when it will happen, protect themselves, their
mother, or their siblings, and worry about the consequences. Fear and secrecy
dominate family relationships, and survival becomes the primary goal of non-abusing
family members. The focus on making it through each day may leave little room for fun
and relaxation, meeting basic needs or planning for the future.” The Wisconsin Coalition
Against Domestic Violence, 2015
The stepson came to her that AM before school and said, “Can I tell you something?”
She sat down on the couch with him and said “Yes, you can always tell me anything”, he
said, “I wasn’t asleep. I don’t know why my dad talks to you like that or why he says
those things.” She was in tears, because what 8-year-old says that?! He said, “I’m here
for you and I love you.” And that was the bond, and she knew that’d keep her knowing it
was ok when she couldn’t control anything anymore. Kids know and “there went his
hero”.
“Each child responds differently to abuse and trauma. Some children are more resilient,
and some are more sensitive. How successful a child is at recovering from abuse or
trauma depends on several things, including having: 8
A good support system or good relationships with trusted adults
High self-esteem
Healthy friendships
Although children will probably never forget what they saw or experienced during the
abuse, they can learn healthy ways to deal with their emotions and memories as they
mature. The sooner a child gets help, the better his or her chances for becoming a
mentally and physically healthy adult.” Effects of Domestic on Children, Office of
Women’s Health, February 2021
Of everything. Narcissists, Gas Lighters, and Abusers, just break down others. Not their
fault though, as I have been told time and time again, but our choice as survivors is to
rise above. Shield all the survivors from what they could experience and not just what
they’ve seen! And that is 100 percent the kids who see and hear it. We can only pray
that’s not a long-term effect. So we just hope for better. I hope the rest, don’t be that
dad, and don’t let them watch a hero go. Thinking about said kid, I hope he’s beyond
successful, and none of his success is anywhere linked to anything related to his dad. I
hope he is just proud of what he’s become and overcome. That kid deserves that. He
deserves an actual future.
This is all it takes for a hero to go. And then the relationship is done. In that instance,
what that dad put out there, can never be taken back. For any part of the family. It can
be spoken about, shaken off, and dealt with for now. But, at the end of the
day what’s done is done.
