This Is How It Starts: Recognizing the Red Flags of Domestic Violence andAbusive Relationships

By Iris Pendleton

Relationships can feel magical at first. The attention, affection, and shared dreams create a sense
of closeness. However, for some, this closeness hides underlying manipulation and control.
Understanding how abusive relationships start helps us recognize warning signs, support those
affected, and guide individuals toward help and healing.
Including real-life or fictional examples, like Sarah’s story below, can be incredibly powerful for
understanding how abuse develops. Examples like hers make the progression of abuse feel real,
showing us how subtle warning signs evolve and how complex leaving can feel. Stories like
Sarah’s let us empathize, helping us recognize similar patterns in our lives or the lives of others
and for those already experiencing this, they provide validation and support.
Disclaimer: The example provided in this post is for illustrative purposes only and is not
intended to imply that only men are abusers. Abuse can be perpetrated by individuals of any
gender, and anyone, regardless of gender, can be a victim of domestic violence. Understanding
abuse dynamics is critical to supporting victims of all backgrounds and identities.
Love-Bombing: When Too Much Attention Is a Warning Sign
Imagine Sarah. She’s been seeing Ryan for a few weeks, and he seems perfect. From flowers at
her door to daily texts saying, “I can’t live without you,” he’s devoted. He talks about a future
together, even mentioning marriage. At first, Sarah feels flattered, thinking she’s found someone
truly special. But soon, Ryan’s constant attention turns into something else. If Sarah doesn’t
respond immediately, he accuses her of ignoring him or claims she’s not as invested as he is.
This intense behavior, known as love-bombing, can feel like passion but is often a tactic to create
dependency. Instead of a healthy connection, love-bombing overwhelms the victim, making it
easier for the abuser to later manipulate and control them.
Controlling Behaviors Masquerading as Care
As the relationship deepens, Ryan’s behaviors shift subtly. He starts making “suggestions” about
Sarah’s clothes, saying he prefers her to dress modestly when they’re out. He comments on her
friends, questioning whether they’re a good influence. At first, Sarah interprets these comments
as signs that he cares. But gradually, his “preferences” become expectations, leading her to avoid
friends he doesn’t approve of and adjust her choices to avoid his disapproval.
Control in abusive relationships often looks like a concern. Abusers may frame their interference
as caring: “I just don’t want you to get hurt,” or “I’m looking out for you.” Over time, this leads
to a loss of independence and creates a dynamic where one partner’s voice is minimized.
Subtle Criticism Leading to Low Self-Esteem
Sarah begins noticing Ryan’s remarks about her intelligence and abilities. He tells her she
wouldn’t understand certain topics, saying, “I know you don’t get this stuff.” He also belittles her
work, saying it’s “just a hobby” compared to his job. While Ryan follows these statements with a

laugh or a quick apology, the constant jabs take a toll. Sarah starts doubting herself, feeling lucky
that Ryan puts up with her “flaws.”
This kind of verbal abuse is insidious. By slowly chipping away at their partner’s confidence, the
abuser creates dependency and makes the victim feel as though they’re not good enough,
trapping them in a cycle of seeking validation and approval.

Isolation: Cutting Off Support Networks
Eventually, Sarah avoids outings with friends and skips family gatherings to keep Ryan
happy. He makes her feel guilty whenever she wants to go out, saying things like, “I thought you
wanted to be with me,” or, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t want to leave me alone.” Whenever
Sarah brings up seeing her friend Ryan sulk or argue, leading her to isolate herself further and rely
on him as her primary (or only) source of support.
Isolation is a powerful tool for abusers. By creating tension between their partner and their
support network, they make the victim dependent on them, removing external influences that
could otherwise provide perspective or help.

Escalating Verbal and Physical Abuse
The relationship hits a new level when Ryan starts yelling during arguments, even breaking
objects in anger. One night, after an argument about Sarah’s decision to go to her friend’s party,
he grabs her arm, hurting her. Later, he apologizes profusely, saying he lost control because he
loves her so much. Sarah feels conflicted, believing his apology, and hoping things will improve.
The escalation of abuse follows a cycle:

1. Tension Building: Ryan becomes increasingly irritable, and Sarah feels as though she’s
   “walking on eggshells.”
2. Incident: Ryan lashes out, verbally or physically.
3. Reconciliation: He apologizes, often with grand gestures, making Sarah hope he’ll
   change.
4. Calm: For a while, things seem better until the cycle repeats.
   This cycle can be incredibly confusing for victims, as the calm phases create hope, while the
   reconciliation phases blur the reality of the abuse. It becomes difficult to see the pattern,
   especially with the abuser’s promises to change.

Recognizing the Red Flags and Taking Steps Toward Safety

If you or someone you know experiences a similar situation, know that help is available. Here’s
how to start:

1. Acknowledge the Warning Signs: Trust your intuition; if something feels wrong, it
   likely is.
2. Document Incidents: Keep a private record of the abuse, whether it’s verbal, emotional,
   or physical. This documentation can be crucial if you seek help or legal support.
3. Talk to Trusted People: Confiding in family, friends, or a counselor can offer
   perspective and strength.
4. Create a Safety Plan: Consider how you can safely exit the relationship and where you
   could turn for support.
5. Reach Out to Resources: Many organizations provide help, like the National Domestic
   Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233), where trained advocates can guide you toward
   resources and create a plan.
   Reclaiming Power and Finding Healing
   Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most challenging but empowering steps toward
   healing. If you’re ready, know that with time, self-care, and support, you can reconnect with
   yourself, rebuild relationships, and regain independence. This journey takes time, but each step is
   an act of courage.
   Let’s raise awareness and provide compassion to those experiencing abuse. By recognizing how
   it starts, we can help prevent it from continuing.