My story may not be as extreme as others, but it has effected me for over 7 years. I had a now ex-boyfriend who was mentally abusive. He was my first boyfriend and I was blinded by the puppy love. When we confirmed our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, he was already jealous of the people I had kissed or had a fling with before. He told me he loved me within the first two weeks of the relationship. I didn’t know any better, but I remember having hesitations and remember almost telling him I couldn’t handle the relationship in the beginning.
I thought things had been going fine until I started distancing myself from friends and family. Giving so much of my time to his needs. If I didn’t give him attention, he’d start a fight from nonsense.
He smoked a lot of weed and it controlled his life. He would take me to the spots where he picked up his weed, making me feel very uncomfortable. One time the cops came to his house questioning him and asked about me. “Who was the girl in the car with you?” How was I so blinded?
I hated having sex with him. I faked so many of my emotions. I only had sex with him so he wouldn’t get mad. I felt like I had no control of my body. I remember this one time we were driving and he went to touch my vagina and I flinched. “Why won’t you let me touch you?” “You want someone else.” “You let other guys touch you, but not me?”
A lot of things I can’t remember specifically, but still remember all the fighting, the name calling. “Slut.” “Whore.” He even texted my mother that she had a “slut daughter.”
Time went on and I committed to a college that was 8 hours away from home. I left for college in tears. I cried almost every day I was there. He tracked me and always questioned where I was if I wasn’t in my room. I hid in my room other than to go to class, the library, or soccer practice.
I came home for Thanksgiving break and he got drunk at his uncle’s house. When I was about to leave he threw a fit. He started crying, rolling on the ground, hysterical about me being away. He forcefully touched my vagina twice saying, “someone else can have this!” He yanked my arm that night. He threatened to break my car. His insecurity always got the best of him.
Since I was having a terrible time in college, I was thinking about transferring after the first semester, but things were getting better. I changed roommates, I was selected for a National Honor Society, and I was playing club soccer. When I told him I wasn’t transferring, he got so mad. He accused me of cheating all the time. He blamed me for leaving and that it was my fault. I didn’t even tell him I got into a National Honor Society fear of that jealousy would rise and it eventually did.
The second semester was better. I do remember having a calculus test that I was studying for and he kept calling and texting me. I turned my phone off because I had to focus. My mother soon got a call from his father, “Can you tell me why my son is crying?” My mom knew what was going on. She held her ground explaining what was happening.
School finally ended and I did end of transferring to a closer school after my freshman year. The best days were when he was busy and I could stay at my house and sleep in my own bed. Feeling safe.
I went on a trip to Florida with his family and it was terrible. He would need to go back to place we were staying at because he had a headache and acted like a baby. He needed to smoke. He was consumed by weed. He even admitted that to me. “I’m sorry. I just need my weed.” The last day came around and I went to go ride a rollercoaster without him in a single rider because I wanted to go on again and he didn’t. His aunt that was there told me to do what I wanted and I wanted to go on before the line got too long. When I got off he yelled at me. He even was jealous that the person I was sitting next to was an older man. Seriously? He left me and I called my mom crying. He came back and yelled at me for calling my mom. Worst vacation ever.
Eventually school started and he hated that I was living in a dorm house with other boys. Girls lived downstairs and boys lived upstairs. I started feeling like I could get away from him. The people I met there helped me get out of my shell. I had a team full of friends because I played soccer for the school. I even started developing a crush on a new boy.
I told him over facetime that I thought we should take a break. One night I told him I was going to bed, but stayed up instead because there were people hanging out in our living area and I wanted to be a part of the fun. I didn’t lie to him. I really was going to bed but I went to the bathroom and was invited. I posting a snapchat on my story of something funny a boy was doing.
I woke up to 20+ texts the next day. I don’t remember exactly what they said, but he was mad, jealous, and calling me names. So I blocked him on everything except Facebook because I didn’t really use it. I would receive 70+ messages over the next few months. I never responded to anything! But the messages were interesting… and I still have the receipts.
He wanted me to answer him. Some messages were “Whatever I did, I’m sorry.” “I hope the best for you and thank you for teaching me so much,” “I don’t get why you have always just lead me on. I was good but now you moved on.” “I’m going to stop trying now.” Then a few hours later: “I’m in awe that it’s actually over,” “I have met new people and I will be happy but this was just random,” “What did I do to make you hate me.” The next day “I bet you were cheating on me. I know you were. You’re just like every other girl in the world.” “Like you were such a good person and now you party with a bunch of r******.” (I went to two parties and didn’t cheat or drink) I had fun meeting people.
“You can block me all you want and hide all you want but you’re fucked up for what you did to me. No one will ever put up with your anxiety attacks and help you through things like I did.” “I feel bad for whoever you date next. Make sure you warn them you might break their heart.” “Have fun with whoever you might fine. They will never be me.” “There is no other reason for this except the fact that you just want a bigger d*** and a stronger guy and someone who you see more and f*** it.” Like what was this comment?!?
“You just party with a bunch of random people everyday lol.” (No I had school and soccer practice. Plus, I’m in college.)
“I’m gonna throw all your shit on your front lawn tomorrow.” (This made me really nervous actually. I was scared he would hurt my family or damage my house. He never did this thank goodness)
Anyway, there were some of things I had to put up with. He would later be hot and cold in the messages, apologizing and then go right back to accusing me of things.
After four months the messages stopped and I never heard from him again. Life got so much better. I was saved and was able to move on. I always thought I was going to be trapped in that relationship and that the only way out would be suicide.
As time went on I would have nightmares of still feeling trapped in that relationship. I would blame myself for letting all the abuse happen to me. Why was I so dumb? Why didn’t I end it? I still have trouble forgiving myself, but time has definitely healed me. I always wish I could have called the cops on him that one night he sexually assaulted me. I wish that I did a lot of things. They were all learning lessons and I will NEVER let this behavior happen again.
I am a survivor of domestic violence! I was strong enough to leave my abuser! I am still strong! No one will ever be alone!
