“Coercive control, abuse, grooming, and power imbalances”
By Guest Blogger Andi Gronek
***Trigger Warning: This is a frank discussion of abuse, grooming, and love-bombing. There is a mention of alleged illegal activities committed by Nail Gaiman which may be sensitive to viewers. Please proceed with caution.
Welsh Women’s Aid defines coercive control as “continuous patterns of behavior that are intended to exert power or control over a survivor.” This definition conjures images of an enraged, often drunk man directing his violence toward walls, furniture, cars, his wife, and sometimes even his children. As more and more individuals “wake up” from the fallacy of “American exceptionalism” and begin to see through the veil of American propaganda, we find ourselves questioning not just isolated incidents, but our entire world. This piece is my attempt to grapple with these questions, both for myself and, perhaps, for others who are navigating similar realizations.
I had my first sexual experience at the age of 14, with a boyfriend who was 18 at the time. There was always an underlying darkness and negativity to it — an element I didn’t fully recognize until I listened to the Tortoise Podcast. For those who haven’t tuned in (and I highly recommend you do), this isn’t solely about Neil Gaiman, but rather the power imbalances necessary for exerting coercive control. This is a conversation that was first brought to my attention by a wonderful group of Black, Indigenous, and other people of color I discovered on TikTok, who were discussing white women — or “Karens” — and their role in perpetuating these power dynamics.
Even now, I find it difficult to view that experience solely in a negative light. But, the point isn’t whether or not I saw it as such at the time, but rather the coercive control that was present. This control was a product of my young age, naivety, and a man’s desire to use those qualities for his ends without concern for my well-being on any level. The thing that drew me in was the “notoriety” I gained among my friends and classmates for dating an older boyfriend. While money wasn’t involved, it was made clear to me that once we’d had sex, it would have to continue for the relationship to persist. If I failed to meet that expectation, I would be ignored while he pursued other girls.
The dangling of this string represents the coercive control present. It can be challenging to recognize, especially for those who haven’t experienced it firsthand. Furthermore, it’s often difficult for many of us to reflect on times when we couldn’t even legally consent and genuinely believe that our actions were what we truly desired. This is the crux of the issue: the nuances of coercive control can be obscure due to its hidden and insidious nature.
The CPD Online College Knowledge Base provides a more comprehensive definition: “Coercive control refers to a pattern of different actions that seek to exert dominance and control over an individual through psychological and emotional manipulation.” It’s this psychological and emotional manipulation that makes coercive control so challenging to identify. Many myths surrounding domestic violence cases can also be applied to cases of coercive control. If my adult boyfriend and I had lived together, our relationship would have qualified as domestic violence even in the absence of physical violence due to the presence of his coercive control.
This progressive understanding of coercive control can be applied to various aspects of racism, misogyny, and capitalism in the United States. As an American, we are all subject to the whims of powerful entities, including corporations that, under the guise of “corporate personhood” afforded by rulings such as Citizens United, exert control over our access to essential resources. Our ability to obtain water, housing, food, communication, hygiene, healthcare, and much more is inextricably tied to the exploitation of our labor and the corporations that provide these necessities — but only at a cost.
The fear of the unknown and life without our abusers often keeps us trapped in cycles of abuse, resigned to remaining small, quiet, and compliant. This self-deception is a crucial aspect of the grooming process, as it plants the seeds of control deep within the victim’s psyche.
Despite recent progress, the concept of grooming is still relatively new and poorly understood in the modern world. Other countries have made significant strides in defining and addressing coercive control, leaving America lagging behind in legal protections. However, the exposure of grooming tactics within cult-like organizations such as NXIVM offers hope for increased awareness and accountability in the future.
After escaping a relationship marred by coercive control and receiving a late ADHD diagnosis, I found solace and understanding in learning about cults. Immersing myself in books, documentaries, and research on the subject helped me to unravel the intricate web of manipulation that had captured me. By recognizing the red flags that I previously dismissed during the grooming and love-bombing stages, I was able to embark on a challenging, yet ultimately empowering, process of deprogramming my mind.
Now, with this newfound awareness, I can’t help but empathize deeply with the women who have bravely stepped forward to share their experiences involving Neil Gaiman. Their accounts resonate with me on a personal level, offering a chilling reminder of the far-reaching nature of coercive control and the importance of shedding light on such hidden abuses.
Having lived through coercive control before, these are the aspects of Gaiman’s story that gave my brain alarm bells:
Inaccessibility: Despite Neil’s reputation for being accessible to his fans, the blog post in question (another brilliant breakdown of the post can be found here) does not allow for comments, which raises suspicions about his vehement denial.
As a long-time member of my local BDSM communities, I find the reported rush into rough sexual activity and a power dynamic described by several victims particularly concerning. The OH Collective notes that such experiences can be intense and intimate, requiring a great deal of trust between partners. Additionally, as someone familiar with BDSM practices, I find it unlikely that an interest in “mild BDSM” would translate to anal sex without lubricant (or with inappropriate lubricant) or penetration with a vaginal infection. Both of these practices are considered highly dangerous, even within the BDSM community.
Given Neil Gaiman’s decision to hire Andrew Brettler, a lawyer known for representing controversial figures like Prince Andrew and Danny Masterson, concerns have been raised about Gaiman’s alleged innocence. Prince Andrew was allowed to settle rather than being questioned (the monarchy strikes again), while Masterson is currently serving a 30-year prison sentence for forcible rape. Given this context, Gaiman’s decision to hire Brettler raises questions about his own alleged innocence, as it does not appear to be the choice of a man who is confident of his own exoneration.
The “autism excuse” is, to me, a gendered issue. As a late-diagnosed neurodivergent person, I’m aware of the societal expectations for women to minimize themselves and prioritize the feelings, ideas, and demands of others, particularly men. In this context, a man who claims to be a “feminist ally” should be cognizant of these dynamics. Thus, the use of the “autism excuse” by such a man reeks of weaponized incompetence, as it seems to capitalize on gendered expectations rather than genuinely grapple with neurodivergence.
While I cannot claim firsthand knowledge of the specific events in question, what I do know is that many women are all too familiar with the dark and negative feelings associated with coercive control. This form of control often exploits women’s societal conditioning, which teaches us to prioritize the needs of others over our own. Although it is important to acknowledge that men do not always hold power and dominance in abusive relationships, the gendered aspects of coercive control cannot be ignored, as they contribute to a widespread understanding among women of these harmful experiences.
Despite the prevalence of coercive control in our society, there is a surprising lack of research on how patriarchal societal conditioning contributes to the exploitation of women through this form of manipulation. While the dynamics of power imbalances in romantic relationships have been studied more extensively, coercive control can also infiltrate other aspects of our lives, particularly when non-celebrities work for celebrities–as is the case for a couple of Gaiman’s victims.
Rowena Chiu’s experience working for Harvey Weinstein highlights the power imbalance in these situations, as she described feeling as though her identity had been erased and her needs overshadowed by her employer’s. This example underscores the urgency of broadening our understanding of coercive control and recognizing its insidious presence in various contexts, particularly where power imbalances exist.
In a 2013 published interview, when asked what it means to him to be an adult, Gaiman said, “It has to do with people not telling me what to do. It has to do with power.” And, “Waking up whenever you want is power. Going to bed when you want is power.” These statements are telling–that power is something he considers to be important. But the statement most telling about that specific interview, is this quote: “Women know more about men than men know about women because there is a power imbalance there. Invaded people know more about the occupying forces than the occupying forces know about the invaded people because there is a power imbalance there. And children know more about adults than adults know about children, for exactly the same reason.”
These quotes make it indelibly clear to me that he does understand the inherent power imbalance between men and women–particularly in the spaces of the world he inhabits. It seems unlikely he would miss the power imbalance created by his celebrity and fans, those working for him, and the significant age gaps in his relationships. Apparently, we still have a way to go to get men to listen and take accountability for their actions.
Hashtags: #CoerciveControl #AbuseAwareness #Grooming #LoveBombing #DomesticViolence #Neurodivergence #PowerImbalance #BTSAdv #EmpathyAndAccountability #SupportSurvivors
Read more about abuse at www.btsadv.com/blog
Read more about mental health stats at www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness
