By Mikayla Shave
As the holiday season approaches, many parents who have experienced domestic violence are faced with the added stress and anxiety of unsupervised visitation. For many victims, the idea of their children spending time with an abusive parent during this time of year is deeply concerning. In some cases, abusers may use unsupervised visitation as an opportunity to manipulate, intimidate, or continue their control over the children involved.
While the court system can play an essential role in protecting children, victims of domestic violence often feel powerless when it comes to controlling how visitation is handled. Understanding the legal actions available, as well as proactive safety strategies, can help mitigate the risks and empower parents to better protect their children during unsupervised visits.
Understanding Unsupervised Visitation and Legal Remedies
Unsupervised visitation generally means that one parent can take the child to their home or out to enjoy an appropriate activity during their designated parenting time. However, in cases involving domestic violence, unsupervised visitation can be risky. The holiday season, in particular, may offer abusers more opportunities to exploit these arrangements, leading to an increase in stress and fear for the parent and child involved.
In some states, like Colorado, a parent may file an emergency motion to restrict parenting time if they feel that their child’s safety is at risk. Colorado’s state statutes require the court to schedule a hearing within 14 days following the filing of such a motion. If granted, this restriction would require the abusive parent to have their visitation supervised by an unrelated third party.
However, it’s crucial to understand that without sufficient justification, unsupervised visitation will likely resume, and the parent filing for restrictions may be required to pay the other parent’s legal fees. This means that while legal options exist, the burden of proof is on the petitioner, and the process can be complex.
Preparing Children for Unsupervised Visitation: Safety Strategies and Conversations
Though legal interventions can help limit a parent’s ability to manipulate visitation schedules, some steps can be taken outside of the courtroom to ensure your child’s safety and well-being during unsupervised visits. One of the most important steps is safety planning.
Here are some key strategies and conversations to have with your children before and during visitation:
1. Open Conversations About Safety
It’s important to sit down with your children and have open discussions about safety strategies. This will help them feel more prepared and empowered should they find themselves in a situation where they feel unsafe. Consider the following:
- Adults are responsible for their safety. Children can help if they want, but it’s important to reinforce that their well-being is separate from an adult’s responsibility.
- Practice avoidant responses to potentially harassing questions from the other parent. Simple phrases such as “I’m not comfortable talking about that” or “I’m here to visit with you, not talk about my mom” can help children maintain boundaries.
- Empathize with the child’s emotions and remind them that they cannot change or manage the behavior of their father or abuser. Help them understand that they can’t fix the situation, but they can protect themselves.
- Respect children’s autonomy. Allow them to make decisions about safety plans and permit them not to engage in conversations about safety planning if they feel uncomfortable.
2. Safety Strategies for Children
To prepare children for any potential danger during unsupervised visitation, create specific safety strategies:
- Teach children emergency exits. Walk your children through how to safely exit the house if necessary. If you are unfamiliar with the layout of the abuser’s home, ask the child to draw a map of the house, pointing out escape routes and exits.
- Establish a “code word.” A code word can be used by your child when calling a relative or friend for help. This ensures that the abuser does not realize what is happening.
- Educate children on how to call 911. Show them how to call 911, what to say, and how to communicate with dispatchers. Teach them to find a piece of mail with an address on it, as this can help the dispatcher track their location.
- Provide a hidden phone or smartwatch. If possible, provide a cell phone or a smartwatch with emergency calling capabilities. However, carefully assess whether this poses any risks if the abuser is likely to discover it.
3. Safety Planning for the Unsupervised Visit
Preparing children for their time with the abusive parent involves more than just legal actions—it requires practical safety measures. Here are additional steps to consider:
- Discuss safe exits at the abuser’s home. If your child is old enough, work with them to identify safe places to go and routes to take if they feel unsafe. If possible, create a visual map with them of where the exits and safe spaces are located.
- Emergency contact information. Ensure that your child has easy access to your phone number, as well as any emergency contacts that may be needed.
- Prioritize personal safety. Reinforce that in case of an emergency, their personal safety is the most important thing. Teach them to focus on getting to safety first, rather than trying to help others.
- Prepare for possible abduction. In the worst-case scenario, children should know their full name, where they live, and how to contact 911. Practice having them ask for help from trusted adults if they feel they are being taken against their will.
Long-Term Coping and Legal Considerations
While the court may eventually decide that unsupervised visits should stop if children continue to feel unsafe, it’s important to recognize that family court decisions can often be biased. Many survivors of domestic violence report feeling that their concerns are minimized or ignored, with some even facing accusations of trying to turn their children against the other parent.
For long-term coping, it’s critical to focus on what is within your control—ensuring the children are prepared, practicing self-care, and continuing to advocate for their safety. Keep in mind that during legal proceedings, abusers may try to use safety discussions as evidence against you, claiming that you’ve made the children feel unsafe. Always document your concerns and actions carefully.
Conclusion: Empowering Parents to Protect Their Children
The holidays can be an especially difficult time for survivors of domestic violence. With unsupervised visitation potentially leading to unsafe situations for children, it’s essential to understand the legal options available and take proactive steps to ensure your children’s safety.
Safety planning, open communication, and understanding the legal process can go a long way in preparing children for the challenges they might face during unsupervised visits. If you are concerned about the safety of your children, reach out to professionals who can help guide you through the process and provide the resources you need to protect them. Source: Bancroft, L. (2016, March 25). Safety Planning with Children of Battered Women |
Lundy Bancroft. Lundy Bancroft. https://lundybancroft.com/articles/safety-planning-
children-battered-women/
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- Parenting time restrictions
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- Domestic violence and visitation
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- Legal resources for domestic violence
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- Child safety strategies during visitation
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