My tragic comedy is well worth the read.
Domestic violence isn’t just something happening at the times it happens. It stays with the abused, us survivors, the parents who have watched their child endure it, and the parents who have seen their child lose to it. It haunts me.
At the end of the day, it’s the abused, and their time to decide, if we’re going to sit, cry, and not get our strength back, or rise above with the help we have or had, sometimes not knowing what we have is right in front of us.
Leaving my ex-husband (a phrase I’m proud of) wasn’t difficult; complicated yes, but with any lack or sort of feelings, just not difficult. One of my best decisions. The hiding out, dealing with lies about me “missing”, and people looking for me. It was awful. An awful, you’ll never get unless you’ve been a part of it. And I hope you’re never a part of it.
My most difficult process was regaining relationships, making new ones, and learning that everyone I put on hold became an issue. And it was because I chose to stay. It was my choice, my choice, I own that, and it was just plain difficult. But in the end, what I went through was learning, not having lost, but only gained. Gained a better life and a better self understanding.
I am one who prides myself on hand written thank you notes, I love to write them, I love to wax seal them, and I love to put them in the mailbox. This time, it’ll be delivered differently because this is truly “how I got through” and why I am just ok, it’s more than just that simple note, it’s others who need to hear, “I’m ok”, because of these incredible things and people. Those people who never gave up on me, and saw me got who I am, nor did I give up hope for my life change. And I got the support. Even from those just getting to know me.
If you get anything from this article today, get this; write that thank you note to someone who’s done something incredible for you, regardless of having gone through tough times or not, a thank you is just a game changer.
It makes all the difference.
I will first start with the hardest parts, the parts that broke me down, but then at the end of the day, built me back up stronger. It made me look in the mirror and say, “oh hell no”, I AM better, and here’s why:
The abuser: Things were bad, starting about a year in (I stayed for (5) more). It was about year (4) that I learned quickly, when someone detoxes, the demons come out. He was an alcoholic, cirrhosis to be exact. In my situation with my ex, while he would go in and out of detoxing, prior to understanding the actual diagnosis, he was seeing ghosts, to a point where he was having support groups with them; coaching them, helping them cope. He wasn’t coping, but he was helping, “the others”. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but realized I had to play along. So I put my foot down, and said, “you’re going to have to tell them to leave.” He did, by posting signs all over our house. The ghosts sighting never stopped all the way into his medical issues and beyond, just before I left. There were more reasons than just the abuse, but let’s be honest, one can only be introduced to a ghost so many times, as my humility stretches only so far. It was an awful existence for me, but for him, it just didn’t matter, that became the norm.
The misery loves company: When I did leave, I learned a very sheer characteristic of certain people; that there are people that rush straight to you to comfort you, but only when you’re in misery. I had this with my family. Lots of support, love and comfort from some. But, then when I wasn’t at the bottom anymore. When I started getting myself back together, they disappeared. Many times, they came back to try to bring me back down, but when my strength showed, they were defeated, became outraged, and then I was made to apologize to them because I didn’t allow them to keep me at the “rock bottom” they assumed I’d stay. That’s when you realize that it’s not the fight you need consistently. I’ve endured that a few times. And learned that “No” is an excellent word. “No” applies at any time, and that includes now. Take yourself out of the toxic situation and keep pushing forward.
Plus side is, I am ok because of the people I had supporting me. And I hope all of you have at least one of these significant (6) supports in your life, who will, “get you through”, as they were my shelter :
The advice giver: the daily texts: He and his family are family friends, and he sends out a daily “inspirational”, a lot of them hit home and make you think, they’ve picked me up and gotten me through a number of times. And a few times, they’ve called to just check on me. Now that’s the salt of the earth.
The ultimate sorority sister: I’ve never met a sorority sister who not only searched for me, but got me a place to live for a short time, gave me clothes, and helped me move into my apartment. And who is continually just there. A sister’s love for another, just beyond. And I love you back.
The best of friends: A best friend who just doesn’t give up, but “we” have never given up on each other, and we’ve been through the same. I would know cause I was challenged for $1000 that we wouldn’t be friends, as of (2) years ago. Come to think of it, we’re owed $500 each. I should collect on that. And in her words, “when all else fails, call the cops”. And another who’s called me almost daily, checked up, been there for not only me, but my mom. We’ve laughed and we’ve cried together. And has reminded me, “that when you start something that is a positive, see it to the finish line.”
The better 1/2: He doesn’t know, but he brought me back to life. The man chased me for (10) months until I caved and went to lunch with him. And because of that lunch, there was something about him, before we even established our “together”, which made me feel like, “you know what, I can do this life, and I am going to build myself back up.” And I just did. And I’m thankful for him choosing me. The best beginning to a love story. It was because of his presence and the strength he gave me when I was around him. And when he finally told me about his chase for me, barely knowing who I was, but finding out from everyone else who knew me (all his friends I wasn’t aware of, some working for me), and how much good he found just within who I was, there was nothing but to give me the same strength daily. Now that’s just incredible love.
The outlet: I will call out, Row House, College Station- I had been called a number of times, and finally caved, and went to the 5:15am class. I loved it and joined, but had no idea, that I was joining not just some gym, I was joining a family. Just a plain good group of people who loved and supported each other. And I got back to my best shape at (40), while making a support group of incredible friends.
The confidant: My mom – she’s a woman of strength, character, and grace. And while she had every right to tell me, she just wasn’t in the position to help me, after her brain tumor, she never once complained. She picked me and my dogs up, took me home, let me cry on her, and gave me both advice I wanted to hear and didn’t want to hear, she played dual roles, of my best friend, and my mom. A woman I can only hope to be like. And she gave me the biggest hope for my journey, as we crossed into the College Station city limits, and without hesitation she said, “this is your home ya! Do you feel like you’re back home?!” Very chilling words, but I’ll tell you, she was spot on. She knew she was bringing me into a new life.
What I will say is, I don’t have a whole lot. I have my keepsakes that are worth nothing to another, but I have my life, this crazy and amazing life that I love, and it’s because of those (6) supports with many many others, that kept me ok, kept me thinking, “you’ve got this life, and it’ll be incredible, you’ll be ok.” You don’t get through on your own. You just don’t, I’ve tried and failed. That’s the truth. People get you through. People of all walks of life, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been through the same thing.
Sometimes you’ve got to even out. And that means, you’re talking to people who not only value you, but tell you your strengths and weaknesses. I evened out, and it was ok. I went back into the thinking of “what do I love about me, but what are some tweaks that can be made?” Those outlets gave me the strength to decide, ME.
I’m strong and got through because I have a backing. Today, think about what and who has gotten you through. Write them a thank you. It’s worth a million.
