By Jenn Rockefeller
It’s been said that you don’t know what someone goes through unless you’ve been through it too. With that said, those who have never endured a domestic violence relationship will have no idea what someone who has been in one goes through. It’s these outsiders who ask survivors questions like, “Well, why didn’t you just leave?” and “What did you do to cause that person to do what they did?”
These questions, and many more like them, don’t help survivors. In fact, it just leaves us feeling even more alone and filled with shame.
These questions often spark discussion in the survivor community. It makes us realize that we want outsiders to know that there is a lot more to domestic violence than meets the eye. Personally, what I’d like outsiders to know about domestic violence is this – please stop asking “Why didn’t you just leave?” and start asking, “Why does the abuser abuse?” Let’s face it. When people ask that first question, they are placing blame on the survivor. That is not what we need or want. The focus needs to be placed on the abuser. Why they choose to abuse. Why they do what they do. We need to help society change its mindset about abuse.
It’s not as easy as “just leaving.” It’s so much more complex than that. Let’s break it down. Survivors are made to feel like they have no other choice but to stay. The abuser may threaten harm to the survivor, family, friends, or even pets. The abuser may make statements like, “you’ll never survive on your own,” “no one else will ever love you,” or “you will never amount to anything.” And that is just a few of the things abusers would say to instill fear within the survivor.
The question everyone should really be asking is why do abusers abuse. The main take away from that article is this – abusers abuse because they want to have power and control over another person. Abusing others is a choice.
Another thing that survivors wish everyone knew is we did nothing to provoke or cause the abuse we endured. We are not to blame for what happened, so please stop treating us like we are to blame.
So what do other survivors wish everyone knew about domestic violence? Here’s what other survivors have to say:
Kristen Faith, founder of BTSADV, said that she wishes people knew that anyone can be a victim.
“It doesn’t matter your age, education level or socioeconomic class,” she said. “Anyone can be an abuser. Victims and survivors want you to know that anyone could become either without the awareness and education on how to create healthy relationships.”
One thing Kristen stressed is just how many children witness domestic violence each year. “Every year five million kids witness abuse. Many of these children can also become victims. Mom and Dad, your kids are watching.”
“I wish people knew how difficult it was to navigate the legal system regarding [domestic violence] cases and how hard it can be for survivors to get financial help once they escape, as well as wishing people knew how many undocumented victims don’t report [domestic violence] in fear of their status being exposed and being taken away from their kids,” said Sunny.
Amy said, “I wish that people knew there is nothing a person can do or say that causes their abuse, that it is solely a deliberate choice of the abuser, they know they are doing it, and that stress, drug use, alcohol, and mental health issues don’t cause it. People have this strange need to humanize the abuser and in the process, they remove responsibility for their actions yet turn around and blame the victim for causing it or even worse “allowing” it to happen.”
“Victims are conditioned and intimidated and manipulated and groomed to reach a point where they emotionally no longer feel able to speak up for themselves, they feel they can’t leave, are too scared or broke to leave, or aren’t worth anything else. And under no circumstance is any of that ‘allowing,’ particularly not when it’s caused by being abused, often under extreme and sustained duress. And when someone is under duress, there cannot be consent or complicity or allowance, because you have no true choice,” added Amy.
Jamey said she wishes that people “knew that psychological abuse is serious and many people quietly suffer in these [domestic violence] relationships and once they have survived those relationships they still suffer from the complete mind manipulation they suffered.”
So why is it so important for people to understand the complexities of domestic violence? For one thing, survivors would be heard and believed more. And that’s just one of the many things a survivor wants – to be believed. Another thing is that perhaps if more people understood, then survivors could receive the emotional, financial and even legal help that they desperately want and need. More and more abusers would be held accountable for their actions, and survivors wouldn’t feel so isolated in their healing journeys.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org or chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777.
