People always say it will get better with time, but that is not always the case. Losing a loved one, no matter how, is one of the deepest pains we can experience. Losing a loved one due to violence adds an additional layer of complexity to grief. The feelings you have after losing someone to domestic violence can take control of your whole life. Your daily routines seem to be harder or almost impossible. You feel like you cannot cope with even the simplest things like eating or sleeping. You feel this persistent inability to accept the loss of this beloved person. You may even get images or persistent thoughts of the loved one. So, what can you do to help yourself heal while surviving this trauma?
Put the Responsibility Where it Belongs
Don’t take responsibility for what happened. Put the responsibility where it belongs: on the person who took away your loved one. You might feel like you could have stopped what happened or beat yourself up for not catching the signs. You also might have been blamed for what happened by the abuser themselves. Blaming yourself and rewriting what you could have done can circle in your head and make healing impossible. Taking on this false responsibility creates survivor’s guilt, which leads to unjust self-blame. This turns into toxic or chronic guilt and, without help, can become a default state of mind. You are not responsible for another human being’s violent actions– recognizing this is an important first step towards healing. It is possible to overcome any guilt you may have already tried to shoulder on your own. Recognizing where the responsibility belongs is the best place to start.
Find Strength in Numbers
Going to grief themed support groups can help. In these groups you can express all the feelings and hardships you are going through since your loss. This can help make the process easier, because you will find others who can truly connect with the pain you are experiencing. These groups also provide education about how to handle grief, what healthy habits other participants have used along their healing journey, and just getting through one day at a time together. These groups also provide a chance to give back to others as they struggle with their pain. There is healing in giving. Having people to walk beside you in this grief journey can give you strength and a more complete healing.
Professionals to Guide You
Therapy can help. Multiple studies have shown people who have lost a loved one due to violence have significantly higher rates of PTSD and complicated grief than those who have lost a loved one to natural causes.
According to resources from SAMSHA, “Complicated or traumatic grief is grief that does not end and does not help individuals to make progress toward getting back to their usual activities and routine. For most people, intense feelings of grief will lessen gradually over time, beginning to ease within 6 months of the loss. But those with complicated or traumatic grief may not feel any reduction of grief over many months or even years. Their feelings of sadness, anger, and loneliness may even become more intense over time.”
Seeking help and working on self-love can bring healing. There are therapists who focus on guiding clients through traumatic grief. A trauma-informed therapist will typically have additional training, skills, and strategies designed for overcoming the effects of a painful event without re-traumatizing their client. Going to a therapist knowledgeable in trauma will provide you with a safe environment to prioritize your healing.
Your Thoughts and Feelings are Important
Your thoughts and feelings are very important to talk about– whether it’s through therapy, support groups, journaling, or all of the above. Writing down your feelings and thoughts is important, because this lets you express your pain and helps you make sense of your feelings. The process of writing makes you organize your thoughts and can help give more focus to what’s cycling in your head about the traumatic experience. This will help you to process your emotions better and find what you need for your healing journey.
It should be noted, though, that timing matters when it comes to this exercise. Sometimes journaling when the event has just taken place can make you feel worse. Specialists in this field recommend waiting one to two months after the event before journaling about it. In the meantime, you may also find that writing a direct message to your loved one then putting it in their coffin or in a balloon for the sky can give you the goodbye that was violently stolen.
Forgiveness
While you can heal and recover without approaching forgiveness, it may be helpful to those who come to that point in their healing. At times, you will be angry, resentful, or maybe even want revenge. Holding in all this anger and pain can be like a poison corroding only you. Forgiveness is empowering and with that power it can be liberating to take back a sense of control. Some survivors feel that the violent act is unforgivable– which is ok. No one should push you to forgive. Forgiveness should happen on your own time and come from within.
Nothing can fully take away the pain of losing a loved one. Take time to grieve. Keep with your daily routines or find new ones if the pain is too much. Find time to breathe. Find time to smile. Find a moment of peace even just by taking a walk. Find joy in reliving positive memories with your loved one and cherish their memory. Everyone grieves in different ways and at different times. It is unique to everyone like a fingerprint. The most important thing is to be gentle with yourself and focus on healing day to day.
“Just like there’s always time for pain, there’s always time for healing.” –Jennifer Brown
Resources:
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)* Toll-free helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (1-800-950-6264) Website: https://www.nami.org
Behavioral Health Treatment Facility Locator Toll-free: 1-800-662-HELP (1-800-662-4357) (24/7 English and español) TDD: 1-800-487-4889 Website: https://www.findtreatment.samhsa.gov
MentalHealth.gov Website: https://www.mentalhealth.gov
MentalHealth.gov provides U.S. government information and resources on mental health.
Call 1-800-985-5990 or text “TalkWithUs” to 66746 to get help and support 24/7.National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Toll-free: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889) Website: https://www.samhsa.gov
