Nearly 1 in 4 women/1 in 9 men, experience physical abuse by a partner, in the United States, which equates to 10 million women and men a year.
National Statistics, ncaddv.org
I want to give you a story of dark and light in plain, solid truth. Dad’s care, especially those who are hard at love. Those that are and remain the backbone of their children. They are bread winners and providers. They are also the ones who may not be recognized for their emotional dedication, at least not in the same way mothers are. My Dad did love me and was my backbone when I needed him the most…
Abuse is hard, regardless of whether it’s physical or mental, it is just hard either way. The path to overcoming it is difficult. Having friends and family by your side makes all the difference. I’m a survivor of both physical and mental abuse… and I survived because of the signs I was showing my friends and family that were clearly recognized.
My Mom made it perfectly clear she recognized the signs when she asked, “Are you happy?”
I wasn’t… and, at that point, the abuse was getting worse. I felt it wasn’t for me to discuss, it wasn’t the top priority at that time. In the end, my Dad got me out. When my Dad and I saw each other that day, it was a simple hello, hug, and that was that. No more, no less was needed.
Looking through resources on supporting a loved one in a domestic violence situation:
“While every situation is unique, there are a couple key points… which need to be remembered:
- Abuse is not the survivor’s fault.
- Leaving is hard.
- Cultural context is important.”
When understanding these, an appropriate “safety plan” can be put together… which is exactly what my Dad did for me. Sitting and talking with my dad in a very “raw” conversation, I asked him, “What did you see? What did you notice about me that was a red flag?” Here is what I got:
- Demeanor – having an attitude problem, being rebellious, outbursts.
- Habits – Liking something that was hated before, enjoying something reluctantly.
- Loss of contact – With family, but more so with friends.
- Inappropriate Comments
- Being Combative – picking/staying with a fight and not willing to let go.
My dad is a man of few words in trial and tribulation, but he knows. He knew. He knew enough to find out how I was doing from my mom, with whom I had the stronger connection at the time. He knew it was time when my best friend called him late one night and said, “Call her, she needs you… and if you don’t… well, then, I’ll come to California, and you won’t want to know the rest.” Best friends like that are hard to come by. Just like that, he called me and it became a plan. A plan to get me home.
Our plan was simple, my mom needed help. She really did, this was after her 2nd brain surgery. That was no lie. I was going to help, and I did. That was truth. I went home, my dad made sure I came home, and challenged me to be my best, which is why I’m writing this today.
Relinquishing those 5 things and regaining what they meant to me was a challenge. But—low and behold— it was my dad who carried me through… while I learned these hard lessons:
- Demeanor – get yourself in check. You’ve got this life.
- Habits – adjust, they’ll adjust to you.
- Loss of contact – call. The ones who mean the most will spend the time.
- Inappropriate Comments – Those who are worth anything, don’t care.
- Being Combative – Fight for your own wellbeing. That’s what matters.
Long story short:
See your children, know what is and is not normal for them. They’ll need you whether they are in their younger years or older. You, as a parent, will recognize it. When these signs are not recognized, demeanor changes to defeat, habits change to need, loss of contact changes to depression, inappropriate comments change to want, and combative changes to “help me”. That’s truth… thanks to my Dad seeing the signs, I get to live my best life.
