“There are few people you meet who are just lovely. You then learn their story, and that’s when you realize, “That’ll probably be the loveliest person I’ve ever met.” That’s all you’ve hoped to feel about any one single person throughout life. And suddenly, the world becomes a better place because they’re in it.” -A.B. Marnelle
There is a woman of Grace, at the end of the day, with many similarities with the rest of our DV-surviving community. But her story was vastly different, as it was in a time when it was looked past, there were no outlets, family, and friends were most likely a lost cause, and you were beyond on your own. The “What are you doing wrong?” and “How will you fix it?” The DV generation was born in the 1970s, and that is what we consider vintage time.
“During the early 1970’s, domestic violence remained largely unrecognized and virtually ignored in the legal, medical, and social spheres.” Domestic Violence in the 1970’s, NLM Historical Collections
The difference between the 70s versus the present day is with no outlets and almost no places for support… Grace climbed above, became resilient, allowed life to be lived, and finally moved on and became successful. A generation not realizing they would strengthen future generations of DV survivors with the ‘it can be done with almost nothing” attitude and reminding us to just hold on to courage and hope for what tomorrow holds. It’s not about them; it’s about you and your story. Grace’s story exudes that.
Our Grace met her abuser in 1970, fell in love, and married him. The love story everyone wants. She inherited (2) stepsons, who she also fell in love with and vowed to be there for, as she is to this day. As most survivors don’t recognize the signs of abuse (all the types) or put aside the red flags, Grace learned very quickly into her marriage that she was, in fact, there to be a caregiver for the boys.
As most any of us would and have, she stayed, knowing that if she left, the boys would have no parental guidance, nothing to make them achieve all that they could and make them the great men they would become. And when their mother took them for the weekend, well, that was the worst, as her abuser would start things he didn’t want his boys to see. So she stayed and endured. In the end, she stayed for a cause, willing to become a cause.
One can only take so much, as she gathered herself and decided to get the courage to leave after a night of despicable actions. Leaving, knowing no one favored her side during the time, her courage spoke louder for her, saying, “Now is your time, go.” She quickly moved from her typical work to her parent’s house; luckily, she had loving parents who were willing to help. Thinking smart, she stopped at the local police station on her way home to ask for an escort to get some of her belongings; the response she got was, “This is a domestic issue, and they would come by if they had the time.” Realizing she was on her own at that point, she went home to her mom and dad’s, where her car was stolen that night, and threats to her dad were made.
As most abusers do, when she left, he stalked her to the point where he attempted to kidnap her one day as she walked out of work. Luckily, her friend was there to grab her other arm as he tried to shove her into his car. She fought back. She won. That was the end.
With most of Grace’s investment being in courage, at this point, she filed for divorce in 1976 and put in for a transfer at work. While she was told the transfer wasn’t available, divine intervention interceded, and she was given one. So onward she went, leaving her home state of 30+ years to move 1,300 miles from anyone comforting, to start over with very little, but most importantly, her little schnauzer. As one knows, when leaving an abuser, while you can have a support animal, actively pursuing friendships is a difficult thing. While staying holed up is much easier, Grace looked into multiple clubs, including the ski club, to build friendships. She was building from the ground up.
When you leave your abuser in a time where you had no support, nowhere to go, there were just plain no options, there is that point where you grow a different strength and new confidence, knowing all the challenges, but can say, “This is my new life, and I’m not looking back!” Grace won.
In the century and decade we live in now, we forget to think about the struggles of those before us. No technology means you’re on your own to know where all your first responders are and how to get to them. While that may be an “old” concept to think of, it’s a thought we should adopt now, in any relationship, moving into a new home, or just being part of a new city, and thinking about how Grace took care of herself:
1. Where are my first responders? (Fire. Police, EMS)
2. Who are my most trustworthy contacts?
3. How am I motivated to push on?
The one thing Grace never did was back down in life. She fought for her stepkids first before leaving, an admirable quality most don’t have, along with her well-being, and that’s just plain courage. A true survivor. One of her stepsons considers her his “only mother,” regardless of her only being in his life for (6) years. She says, “Having them in my life, and him seeing the confident and fulfilled woman I am today, makes it a good learning experience.” That’s spot on because if any such child can watch their step-parent who was abused, move on, and exceed in life and stay a part of that past, well, that’s just beyond.
Grace moved on to marry again, the very love of her life, and raise (2) beyond incredible kids. Her life has been the epitome of love, gratitude, and courage. In her late 70s, she’s very proud of how far she’s come without the stigma of what Domestic Violence does to one.
If you ever run into her, you’ll understand Grace and know immediately. I have, and my life is better because of her.
