Written by: Courtney, Survivor
Domestic violence does not discriminate. While there are many contributory factors and some populations face higher risks than others, no one is immune to relationship abuse.
It can happen to anyone. Domestic violence could have happened – or is happening – to you. It could be someone next to you or right in front of you, hidden beneath their smiles in photographs or behind closed doors.
The wrong question to ask a victim is: “How did you let this happen?” No one lets this “just happen.” it occurs slowly, and most of the time, the victim is unaware that they are even a victim at all. Eventually, the victim is wrapped up in a cycle of isolation, desperation, and loneliness – a cycle that seems unbreakable. A victim will leave their abuser approximately seven times until they leave for good. The most dangerous time for a victim is when they are leaving. Too often, they feel safer staying because of the fear of what would happen if they left.
It happened to me. Like many stories about abuse, the beginning of the relationship seemed normal. Although the red flags were subtle, they were still there. It was clear that he never wanted to discuss his previous relationships with me. They were whirlwind relationships where he moved quickly to get other women to commit to him.
Courtney’s partner was quick to propose to her, making many promises about how their life together would be.
Soon enough, he even proposed to me. He promised to love and care for me forever and to always keep God in our marriage. A year into our marriage, I found out that he had to return an engagement ring he had purchased for someone else so he could get me a ring.
Once we were married, things slowly turned out to be different than I had expected. We only attended church together one time and never went back because he did not like going. I slowly disconnected from my friendships. He had mood swings, and we would frequently get into arguments. His plan was to stay in the military until he retired, but that changed. After the wedding, he started the out-processing procedures without telling me.
Before I knew it, we moved to his home state to be close to his family. I was lonely and vulnerable being in unfamiliar surroundings. He would go to his friend’s house for drinks and be gone for hours on end. I eventually caught on to the fact that something was going on between him and the woman next door, and I called him out on it. Although I had proof, he called me a liar.
We went to a house party, and I could see that they were messaging each other right next to me. When I confronted her, I was thrown out of the party, and he told me to go home. He told me if I wasn’t so insecure and more outgoing, there wouldn’t be any problems. Afterward, he left me alone in the apartment for over a week without any communication. He did not come home and eventually said he would come back when I stopped “overreacting.”
I questioned my own sanity, wondering why I wasn’t good enough, and could not figure out what I had done. He came back and told me he no longer loved me and that he wanted me to go back home as soon as I could. I was more than devastated. It was the worst week of my entire life. I was alone, far away from family and friends, and I had no money or vehicle to get home. My father came out a week later and helped me pack up the house.
After several months apart, Courtney’s husband called wanting to try again and promised he would change.
Three months later, I was still wearing my ring in hopes of mending our broken marriage. I held out hope that I could fix myself and thought something was wrong with me. He finally contacted me and said he wanted me back. I agreed with a few conditions: we would stay nearby my hometown, and, if he didn’t change within a year, I would leave. He agreed. Giving him one year would allow him enough time to prove he was serious while resolving my doubts as to whether or not our marriage could be saved. If it didn’t work out, it also gave me time to plan if I needed to leave.
Months went by, and nothing changed. He told me that I needed counseling to be fixed. Meanwhile, he refused to go to couples counseling or by himself because there was nothing wrong with him.
During our 18-month marriage, we moved twelve times. I later learned that he would pack up our things and move us around to avoid paying bills. We were always gone before the electricity was turned off or eviction notices showed up on the door. I was not allowed access to money beyond the allowance he gave me, and we were barely eating. I was forbidden to question where the money we made went.
For two years, he wrote bad checks in my name and overdrew my accounts to pay for liquor, strip clubs, and anything else he wanted. It became normal for me to come home and find that he pawned a TV, appliances and furniture, and some of our prized possessions. Eventually, he even pawned my wedding ring. I worked a stable job to plan on getting a vehicle, so I could have something on my own in case I had to leave him. His employment history was erratic. He had seven different jobs in one year and always had the excuse that something was wrong with each one every time he quit.
He down to me and would say degrading things to me whether someone was there or not. Not one home we lived in was spared damage from our fights. He would take my phone when I slept and carry on conversations as though he was me. By hurting my friends and family, he cut me off from my support network. He would delete the messages, leaving me to wonder why no one would talk to me.
Being out in public with him was no guarantee of my safety. One time he picked me up and threw me down in a crowded bar because he thought I looked at a guy wrong. He did this in front of everyone, and no one did anything to help. Maybe they felt it wasn’t their place to intervene. One night, I called him on speakerphone with my female friends around me and asked if I could go out with them. He said, “Of course, babe, I’m working late anyway. Have fun!”
Hours later, he called, yelling at me that he never let me go out, as though we never had the conversation at all. This happened a lot. He had us meet him, and he threw me into the car. Because of that “stunt I pulled,” I wasn’t allowed out of the house for a week, and I had no access to my cell phone, or car.
Courtney’s path out of the abuse started with someone calling the police to check on her after being out of contact with her.
Eventually, the police were called to do a welfare check. To this day, I have no idea who called it in, but I will always be thankful to them. When the officers arrived, he yelled at me to stay in the room. Since he didn’t allow me to let them in, the police forced the door open. They told me that they had received a call that someone was concerned about me and asked if I was okay. I was afraid to answer honestly, as my husband was standing behind me. Although I told them I was okay, I tried to use facial expressions to let them know I wasn’t.
Before they left, they gave me a card with their contact information and told me to call if I needed help. Following their visit, my husband returned my phone and allowed me to go out again. I promised myself I would leave very soon. A week later, I got a vehicle in my name – an essential part of my escape plan.
One day, he made an unplanned trip to his hometown. I told him if he left, he wouldn’t be coming back to a wife. He stated, “You would never leave. You’d have nothing left, and no one would be able to deal with you like I do.” The next morning, I called into work and said I couldn’t make it in.
I then called my father, and we went to the bank. Although my husband had withdrawn most of the account, I was able to withdraw what remained and close the account. My dad gave me extra money so I could buy food and necessities. Later, I called a friend who came to help immediately. We purchased a phone plan and packed my husband’s belongings in a few hours so he could pick them up. After leaving him, I later discovered that I was in $10,000 in debt from bills he did not pay, bank accounts that were overdrawn, and outstanding loans.
My friend and I called the police while we waited for my husband to show up at the house. We hoped they could be there when he came to make sure he would leave without hurting me. They said that since he had not yet hurt or threatened me, they could not help. When I told them that hasn’t done anything yet because he doesn’t know I am leaving, they simply repeated that they could not send an officer out.
A neighbor agreed to watch over us in case we needed help. Because I knew he would be more cooperative with others around, I had a few more friends come over to wait with us. He eventually showed up, and, without question anything, he removed his belongings and left.
I never saw him again. It took longer than six months for the divorce because no one knew where he was. We soon learned that this was because he was in and out of jail. Eventually, he was arrested on unrelated charges, and I was granted the divorce. I had a long road of recovery and rebuilding myself.
You see, if I didn’t have a support system there for me, I would not have made it. If even one person did not answer the phone when I called, I would have found another reason to stay. There is a way out, I made it. It happened to me. If you have no one to help support you, there are local shelters, churches, and organizations that can help.
It is not about “How did it get to that moment?” Instead, focus on the courage a victim finds when they leave. I am grateful to those who supported me when I needed it the most. It has been three years, and I have finally told my story.
It happened to me.
**If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org, chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777, or send a private message through our Facebook page. For crisis services, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
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