I spent a long time contemplating if sharing my story would really heal me or if it was even worth speaking about anymore. But after thinking long and hard about it, I don’t have anything to be afraid of and I wanna share my story so other victims and survivors feel comfortable enough to come forward and share their‘s. When I was 19 I met a man who was 25. We both worked at the same company and I thought he was a really nice guy and we ended up hanging out more and more. I would go to his house and we would watch movies and cuddle and everything like that. At the time my home life wasn’t the greatest. I was fighting with my mom constantly and I ended up moving in with this man. I didn’t know very well but I knew well enough to feel comfortable moving into his house. In the beginning everything was great, we got along well. He was nice and funny and we made it official after living together for a month. Maybe about a month or two into our relationship things started to get a little rocky. I remember the first physical thing he did to me and I knew in that moment that things will get so much worse. I was sitting on a recliner and we were arguing and he had been betraying me for hours telling me how disgusting I was and how I was trash. He eventually came up to me and got real close to my head and he flicked a rubber band on my head and that moment I knew that this was only the beginning of the violence that was to come. I remember telling his mom that I feared he was going to get more violent and I remember her telling me to leave him but at that time I didn’t have the courage to do so. After that day things got way worse and anytime I would stick up for myself he would get in my face and scream at me and grab my arms and throw me down on the ground. I would have scratches and bruises all over. He didn’t work and I was the only one bringing money in but at the same time, I barely worked to because I spiraled into a depression and I wanted to kill myself because I couldn’t deal with the trauma and the stress. I started listening to the words that he was putting in my head I started to believe that I was worthless and I was a terrible person and I didn’t have anybody in my life that loved me. He took control of my entire life and distanced me from my family and made it so he was the only person I had. In return I felt alone even though my family fought every day to get me out of that situation. He physically and mentally abused me and eventually things got so bad he ended up raping me. The night he raped me I had gotten really drunk. We talked earlier in the day about having sex but after I started drinking I got really tired and wanted to go to sleep. I stumbled to the bed and he followed me. He laid down next to me and kept asking me if I wanted to have sex. I remember telling him to give me a minute but I was in and out of consciousness. The entire night is a blur but I remember wake up to him on top of me and we were having sex but I don’t remember how we started. I remember waking up the next morning and feeling very violated and upset. I never said anything to him about it in fear of him getting angry and violent. I told my family and they told me that was considered rape but at the time I didn’t believe you could rape someone you were in a relationship. Looking back at the situation I know that what happened to me was wrong and I hate myself everyday for not saying something to him about it and confronting him. The violence only continues and he would throw me over furnaces, spit on me, degrade me and tell me how much of an awful person that I was. He once told me that the next person I dated was going to beat me and put me in my place. I remember constantly going to his mother but she never helped me and things never changed. we would constantly scream at each other and fight but I never left. One of the worst fights we got into was the day that he threw me over a furnace and shut the Wi-Fi off so I would have no contact with my family. I couldn’t get myself out of the situation but when he finally turn the Wi-Fi back on I called the police and told them I was being assaulted. I told them it was a constant thing and that he was constantly abusing me. I had scratches all over my arms and my hands and bruises on my arms where he grabbed me. They ended up arresting him and charged him with domestic violence. This was one of the weakest moments that I’ve ever had because I ended up lying to the attorney saying that it was my fault and I am the one who attacked him. I was so afraid of losing him and being alone that I perjured myself and told the courts that it was all my fault. I didn’t get any legal trouble but he got probation and I just needed up fighting for forgiveness. I fought to stay with him and I fought for him to love me again. In return he only used the charges as leverage to continue to abuse me. The cycle of abuse continued for at least three years. We would have our good days but those were few and far between. We would go through a honeymoon phase where everything was great but all it took was one wrong word out of my mouth for him to get angry and abuse me. Finally I had enough and on the day that I left him we got into a very big argument. I was starting to distance myself from him and he noticed. We had just moved into an apartment that I had bought and I have started distancing myself more and more from him. When I got off of work, instead of going straight home I would go to my moms and spend most of the day there and then return home at night. Finally he asked me why I was never home and I told him and he got angry and told me to shut up. and leave him alone. We started arguing and I put my hand up to put space between him and I but he grabbed my arms, pinned me against the wall and then threw me on the couch. He proceeded to sit on top of me to keep me pinned down. He eventually got off of me and trashed my entire place. I told him to leave and that’s when I called my mother. She helped me gather my stuff and we left. He of course was trying to manipulate his way back into my life and said he had no place to go and He needed to sleep at the apartment for the night. I allowed him to do so but I refused to return. I had a few weak moments the days after I left him where I would go see him and bring him cigarettes and stuff. He started to be nice to me and try to weasel his way back into my life but then would turn around and argue with me and scream at me over the phone. I knew that I no longer wanted to deal with any of the abuse anymore and I spoke with my landlord and let them know what was going on. They let me out of the lease and I promised myself I would never go back to him and I can happily say I have not seen him since then. If it wasn’t for my family I don’t believe I would be here today. My family fought for me and never turned their backs on me.
I am now happily married to my husband but I still deal with the trauma of what I went through every day. Its hard for me to trust people, I’m constantly looking over my shoulders in fear of him finding me and I have issues with being around men. But every day I fight to heal and not let what happened to me to define me. It’s been a long road to get where I am today but I can honestly say I am happy, I’m healthy and I’m continuing to grow on a daily basis. I wanted to share my story so other victims and survivors know that it is safe to come forward and speak about what is happening to you. I want victims and survivors to feel safe enough to get the help they need to get out safely. I want them to know they are not alone.
