Feel free to just throw this story away. It’s not worth anything. I just want to share my worthless story…I just got done being screamed at for 30minutes in front of my front yard and I’m surprised none of my neighbors called the police. I literally begged her to stop and I would do anything just for her to stop screaming at me…she has no filter
Before I met Amanda, I was an ultramarathon runner, ranked marathon runner, and a record-setting powerlifter with a near 4.0gpa. Now, several years later, I’m an absolute loser. I’m scared to death of her. She beats me every day and yells at me in public, in front of my neighbors, but never in front of my family. She’s an angel to them. She does punch and slap me with all her strength but she is so small and I’m much bigger than her I don’t want to even shove her. I have defended myself three times and that was a mistake because she always brings that up and how she will tell the police about that. I constantly have to lock myself in my office so she can’t enter because she knows I work from home. On her days off from work, I go to bed early and make something up about that just so I’m not yelled at or screamed at because of something I left misplaced or forgot to clean a plate or something. Usually I say I have to get up early for a meeting tomorrow (I do have a lot of online meetings anyways).
She has isolated me away from my friends just because she thought they were bad company because of the drugs (even though they are now financially successful now and married). I was basically forced to propose to her two years ago and we’re still engaged.
The few times I stand-up for myself and tell her I’m really leaving and have looked at apartments (more like trailers), she tells me she’ll change and then has crazy sex with me and she knows that really is my weakness. Also, her family are all extreme racists and would back her up and probably even help her hide my body. Trump supporters who won’t even look me in the eye and talk to her about me while I’m standing right there. They have even asked me if I know of any illegal mexicans so they can work on their farm. I’m less than human to them.
One reason why I haven’t left her is because I am so incredibly scared of being alone. I tell myself it can’t be that bad; we make a 6figure income and without her, I’d be broke because I can’t help but to spend ALL my money. I have a serious problem with saving past a month.
I just think I would be a total loser without her. I have tried having affairs but they never work out. I used to be good looking but as I kept getting depressed, I gained a lot of weight an don’t sleep well. I used to be fat and have muscle. Now with COVID, she makes sure that I can’t go workout so I haven’t lifted in months. So now I’m in worse shape than ever.
She holds over a miscarriage she had with me years back over my head. She says he died because I didn’t want him (which is true, she made me take the condom off every other time and I couldn’t help it then). Because I feel it is partly my fault, I also stay with her over my own guilt. She brings her miscarriage up every time an argument starts over me leaving.
She also says I’m a complete and total loser because I’m a high school teacher. I love my job and the rough students I work with. It’s a school for people with behavioral problems but it does pay decent money. Most people see me as decisive and strong around people. Why am I such a piece of shit around her though? She still says all kinds of horrible things to me about my job and I can’t stand it. Before COVID, I would come back happy everyday but if she was home, she would bring me down to nothing. Now, I feel trapped and even more depressed. Maybe this is just my shitty lot in life. Everyone gets to have a family and successful jobs while I suffer.
Obviously, this story is probably biased towards me since I wrote it. Maybe I’m the bad guy…
For the past few months, I have thought more and more about joining law enforcement. I need to sneak into the gym and start training again. If I’m police she can’t hurt me. She knows about this plan because I let it slip once. I figure one day, I can sneak out with clothes and leave her everything else I own (which is quite substantial and expensive). I can stay in a temporary apartment, join the academy for 3months and then have a career that is more respectful than being a “total loser” teacher and I won’t be scared of her then.
But that just seems too dreamy right? The reality is probably she will kill me with one of my own guns in one of her psycho rages…but that’s okay, I think of killing myself every single day anyways…I hate myself. I hate that I had a tiny chance at pursuing someone else and I never took it. Nothing but regrets now. I hope I die soon…I’m done with life, why can’t it be done with me?
Notice: The names in this story are fictitious to protect the request for anonymity.
