My story – Dani T

He was separated and going through a divorce when we met in September of 2009. He had 2 boys and of course I was led to believe she was using them to punish him. That should have been my first red flag. He sent me flowers frequently, told me I was beautiful, wanted to spend a lot of time with me-the typical love bombing. About 3 months after we met, his divorce was final. He moved into my apartment and we were engaged shortly after. He became jealous, that should have been another red flag but I shrugged it off as “he cares about me”. I had doubts about getting married and tried to call it off days before but people made me feel guilty. I was so lucky they’d say. He loves me. We got married in August 2010 and he got really drunk ruining our wedding night and reception. He was shouting at me telling me he hated me and was going to get an annulment. It was humiliating and embarrassing. I wish he had gotten his annulment. Days after our wedding I was told I didn’t need to go out with my friends anymore because I was married and had no business going out. He didn’t like the way one of my friend’s husband “looked at me”. Of course I was accused of having some attraction to this man. I discovered he was chatting with women and couples he’d met online. If I questioned him about this he would scream at me, push me around, choke me, slap me. I was told I was a stupid cunt, fat, ugly. I was ruining his life. If I questioned why he was allowed a social life when I wasn’t I would get the same treatment. He’d throw his wedding ring at me. Less than a month after our wedding I found out I was pregnant. I knew I was stuck. I had a 14 year old daughter at the time and the thought of being a single mom with 2 kids seemed worse than staying with him. During my pregnancy he continued his affairs and cheating. His abuse escalated and I found out he was using meth. He would get angry that I didn’t want to drink with him or do drugs. I was “too vanilla”. He would insist I have sex with him and if I said no I would get hit, choked, dragged around by my hair. I was told I was nothing more than a “fuckhole”. In the end, he would do whatever he wanted to me because I couldn’t stop him physically. He was stronger than I was. He would threaten to shove me down the stairs, punch holes in the walls. He was in the SD National Guard and wouldn’t come home from drill because he was cheating. When confronted he would become abusive. He would yell at his boys and my daughter. I would have to step in between him and his oldest son (who was 7 at the time) because he was yelling and acting like he was going to punch him. He would tell my 14 year old daughter that he would bash her skull in or knock her teeth out. I was dragged out to our garage and had hunting knives held to my throat multiple times. I was terrified of staying with him but he had convinced me I would never make it on my own. The reality is, he contributed very little (if anything at all) financially to the household because of his extra curricular activities (meth, alcohol, girlfriends). My self esteem and confidence were stripped away. About a week before I gave birth to our daughter in May 2011 he told me he hated me because of that “thing” growing in my belly. The day after I gave birth to her a social worker came in to ask me if i was safe at home because they were concerned about the way he spoke to me. I lied and said I was. It was the first of many lies. I wish I had been strong enough to say I wasn’t. The abuse continued. In November 2011, he became enraged because I wouldn’t agree to have sex with him. He shoved my face into the corner of the couch and hit my head into the frame of the couch over and over. When I tried to get away from him he dragged me up the stairs by my hair. I was screaming and tried to get away from him. He held me down on the stairs and told me he would break my fucking neck if I didn’t shut up. I was forced to have sex with him against my will. The next morning he was sorry. I had clumps of hair falling out in the shower. The abuse continued. In December 2012, he became enraged when I wouldn’t agree to have sex with him. I tried calling his mom to help me. I asked his parents to come pick him up. They wouldn’t help me. I had wanted to take the boys and our daughter to the parade of lights that night and he wouldn’t let me leave. He threw the keys to our truck in the yard. He continued to scream at me, threatening to punch me and then would say you’re not fucking worth it. I tried to de-escalate the situation by not talking or responding to him. I sat down with our 18 month old daughter on my lap to read her a book. He continued to scream at me while threatening to punch me-I didn’t believe he would actually hit me while holding her. I didn’t even see it coming. I couldn’t protect myself. Our neighbor was in his driveway and had seen him screaming at me. He called 911 as soon as he saw him strike me. He saw the neighbors phone light up and started flipping out about being arrested. He called his mom and then he rounded up his boys and our daughter-we were made to get in the truck with him and drive around looking at Christmas lights for hours. When we returned, there were 3 sheriff deputies waiting near our house. He was arrested and spent the rest of the weekend in jail. When he got out of jail, he was sorry. Our house became my prison. He was trying to avoid me being served court papers to appear in court for his charges. I was told I needed to make it go away. He had too much to lose. He was in the National Guard-he could be kicked out. He covered any windows that didn’t have a curtain with paper so no one could see in. I wasn’t allowed to answer the door. I did what I was told because I was afraid of what he would do to me or my daughters. The charges were dismissed. I was told if I ever called 911 I would be dead before they arrived. I lived in fear constantly. He would leave loaded hand guns on the end table in our family room or tuck it in the waist of his jeans. I could hardly pay bills because of his drug and alcohol use. He continued his cheating and his abuse of me. He would scream at me for hours, drag our daughter out of bed and tell her not to grow up to be a cunt or whore like me. He would say I am going to make sure she hates you. I continued to believe I was worthless and would never make it on my own. I was abused too many times to count. In March 2016 we received word that he would be deployed later that year. This was a blessing to me. In August 2016, he was waiting for me when I opened the garage door. He had destroyed the cabinets in our garage and threw things all over. He broke some of my things and left them on the garage floor. I left my Expedition in the driveway in case I needed to leave. He grabbed me by the neck and held a gun to my head saying “there’s 2 in the chamber, one for you and one for me, I’ll blow your fucking head off you fucking cunt”. I was dragged into the garage and thrown to the floor. He closed the overhead door and then dragged me around by my hair. We wrestled over the gun and I was able to get ahold of it. When I tried to get out the back door of the garage he threw me down the steps. When we got inside he started freaking out because a sheriff deputy happened to drive by. He wanted to have sex so he could prove he was sorry. I said no but was forced to anyway. I waited until he passed out and then took pictures of my injuries and emailed them to myself along with what had happened. I didn’t call for help because I knew I would be dead then. He left for deployment a couple of months later and it was mostly peaceful but he would email me accusing me of cheating on him. He was the cheater. If I ignored them he would call me and scream at me for ignoring him. I joined a gym and focused on my mental health. I was hopeful he would somehow be different when he got home. He wasn’t. He couldn’t stand the fact that I had worked on myself and had confidence. I had some friends again, other wives I had met through his unit. His verbal, physical and emotional abuse continued. He wouldn’t work. He spent most of his time drunk and passed out. In June 2018, he began accusing me of cheating on him and threatening me. I told him I wanted a divorce. He told me he was going to bash my skull on the garage floor. I asked him to call someone to come pick him up-he wouldn’t. I called 911 while locked in my Expedition with our daughter, he told me he would beat the fuck out of me before they got there so I hung up. We sat in there for over an hour while he continued to scream at me. I asked him several times to call someone to pick him up. I finally called 911 again. He denied threatening me. He told the deputy he had wanted to leave but couldn’t because he had been drinking. He claimed he had only had a beer but his PBT was .13. He was allowed to leave with a friend because there was no proof of any physical altercation and only my statements that he threatened me. His abuse, cheating and use of alcohol and drugs continued. In January 2019, I filed for a protection order. He retained an attorney (his parents loaned him money) and I ended up agreeing to drop the protection order in exchange for a civil restraining order and legal separation for 6 months on the condition he go to treatment. He didn’t finish treatment. His abuse continued. In August 2019, I began recording him when he started screaming at me. He told me he wished he had a bat so he could crush my fucking head. He told me to call the sheriff and he’d be waiting in our room when they arrived. He’d shoot anyone that responded. I asked our daughter to call my mom to come pick us up. He grabbed her phone out of her hands, screamed in her face that she was a fucking bitch and then threw her phone at her leaving a bruise on her sternum. I told him I was done. He had to leave. It took him over 2 months to move out because we had no money due to his alcohol and drug use. He continues to threaten me. He told me he would love nothing more than to see the back of my skull split open from a .22 or he will fuck me up. Our daughter is terrified of him when he’s been drinking (which is most of the time) and he was passed out on his bathroom floor because he’d been drinking on one of her visits. He continues to get away with everything because he lies about what he has done or cries about his military career. He’s a monster and a predator with a long history of physical abuse. I am his third wife. I have never spoken to his first wife but his second wife has the same stories. I have filed for divorce recently but the courts seem to be in his favor. I regret every single day that I didn’t go to court after he punched me in the face. I let him silence my voice.