TRIGGER WARNING!!
I was with my abuser 5 years…in the beginning it was amazing, I thought I had met my “finally forever.” I was crazy about this man, not my usual type, very fit & muscular, a modern day, “Pretty boy” with beautiful green eyes, damn I was head over heels, but soon enough everything changed. I quickly began to fear this man, my stomach would instantly get upset when I would hear his tires come up the driveway. Everything I did was critiqued…the way I dressed, talked, cooked, cleaned & even associated with people. I stopped dressing up because it drew too much attention or I was a “cleavage queen.” I stopped listening to favorite songs because my music sucked according to him. I stopped going around friends because he didn’t like them or didn’t like their husbands/boyfriends. I couldn’t talk to guy friends because I probably screwed them & women don’t need a male friend. My family was all trash or druggies in his eyes…as he was snorting lines of meth every single day.
I was a piece of shit mom because most days I’d want to sleep all day or not go to sporting events because my depression & anxiety took over. I was called “crazy, jealous, insecure, or a cunt…” When I would confront him on checking out other women, he was a very attractive man with a very muscular body type, he thrived off of attention & would fake a deep southern accent to “swoon” women.
Every other day he’d call me names in front of our blended kids & disrespect me. Over the past 3 years the abuse got worse….he’d make me piss myself everytime we fought because I was in fear of him. He would choke me until I would pass out, it happened over 4 times, & I never understood what happened…I would just remember him choking me, everything went black & then I would wake up to him saying, “Baby, are you ok? You just blacked out.” I started researching & realized this man was choking me & then basically bringing me back because he bragged out knowing how to do it one time. He’d drag me down our hallway by my clothing or hair, my hair is so short now & in short lengths all over from him. He would shove me until I fell & stomp on my back or stomach with steel toe work boots, or I’d fall & hit my head on something…he broke a rib that I lied to my boss & the hospital to about how it happened telling them it was from a sleigh riding accident. I have two knees that need surgery from torn ACL’s & MCL’s, he’d start on me & shove me until my knees would pop & it was like he enjoyed seeing me I’m pain every other week.
The abuse got so bad & to the point where I just couldn’t fight back because it would be worse…so I would hit myself or cut myself hoping it would make him stop & most of the time it did. I would try to escape during our fights & he’d lock the door or block me, take my phone so I couldn’t call out, or he even broke 2 phones, he would physically & mentally abuse me over 20-30 minutes or more. He would grab my breasts, squeeze them or bite them screaming I was an attention whore, or grab my stomach & call me a “fat, worthless cunt.” I remember a few times I would be curled up into a ball crying & begging him to just kill me so I can escape him & reality. He’d stand over me laughing, kicking me calling me, a worthless, fat disease who didn’t deserve my son, & that my son would be better off without me. He’d tell me to cut my wrists the “right” way, not the way I did before because I just wanted attention. If I was sick or “too tired” for sex, I was a cheating whore & a few times I remember just giving in to having sex & crying sliently in the dark because I just wanted it to end…& turning the lights was the only way I would have sex & still to this day because he ruined my self image.
I would have manic episodes & he would call his kids in & say, “look at this crazy, dumb bitch….see I told you.” As I had a cord wrapped around my neck hoping I’d just follow through & leave this world. He’s had a gun to my head & all I could think of was “just pull the damn trigger.” I’ve walked down state route 329 in Ohio barefoot, in ripped shirts, bloody nose & lips, crying just to escape him, no money, car, or shoes, I just wanted to leave. I checked myself into the hospital because I wanted to kill myself, but of course his narcissistic ways, he’d put on a good show for everyone & honestly he still does.
In November of 2022, I got an apartment secretly & had some friends move me while he was gone. I literally left with nothing, no money, food, furniture, car etc. I slept on the floor for 3 nights until I got a bed, I went to food banks when I was hungry, & gradually people helped me little by little…I’ll be honest, the first month away was the worst, I’d never leave my apartment, & when I did, I would constantly check over my shoulder, I also thought I made a mistake & considered going back, he wouldn’t leave me alone even though I blocked him on everything, he would find a new way to contact me. I stayed strong, & I cut all ties, which infuriated him. The beginning of March 2023 was the last time I received a text from him, I prayed for him to leave me alone & he finally has. Rumor is he’s with a new Woman & I honestly am scared for her. My abuser not only put me through hell, but his ex Wife as well through hell. I honestly thought I would die either by his hands or my own, but I’m so thankful to be alive!! My passion has always been wanting to help others, & if my story can push another Domestic Violence victim to leave, then I’ve done my job. To anyone reading my story…PLEASE REMEMBER YOUR WORTH & REALIZE THAT YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!! Reach out, do what you have to do, I know it’s scary, but I promise you, it will be worth it! THE BEST FEELING IS BEING ABLE TO BREATHE AGAIN!!! XOXO
