There are so many of us that love Mother’s Day. We get to show all our love and appreciation for our mothers. They have raised, supported, loved, and taught us. Those nights when we feared thunder, they would hold us all night. Then they held us all night with our first heartbreak, and we cried together. What amazing and strong women that have sacrificed so much. We want to thank you and wish you the best Mother’s Day. We will also NEVER forget the beautiful angel moms watching over us who are in our thoughts, especially on this day.
This is for another set of voices that need to be heard on Mother’s Day. For those abused by mothers. You might often hear at work or when you are out that someone says they ‘hate this holiday.’ To these people we say, “We want to hear you!” Not only is it hard for some that don’t have a mother around, it can also be a day with lots of triggers for the abused.
There is no right place to start this blog, honestly. There is so much pain around this subject. Then the reality that our entire lives are affected by our childhoods. Many may feel fear, abandonment, loneliness, sadness, and/or anger with any type of abuse from a parent. Just like any form of domestic violence, a mother can abuse you emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially, and sexually.
Each year in the United States between 1,670 to 1,740 children die from neglect or physical abuse in the home. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, “Almost five children die every day from child abuse.” For those who survive this abuse, their mothers have also created wounds that don’t heal easily, both physically and emotionally. Abusing children often results in childhood aggression & misbehavior starting from a very young age. In return the children are abused further for their behavior, growing up confused by the behavior modeled to them. They have no experience of what a healthy mother relationship might look like. This may cause fear in the future around having healthy relationships of all types.
I was able to talk to two amazing survivors about their abuse with their mothers. Their stories are just a piece of their lives and will be respected by remaining anonymous. The following are paraphrased versions of our conversations:
MY ABUSE STARTED AROUND THE AGE OF 7 OR 8. I WAS ONE OF 3 CHILDREN THAT WERE INVOLVED. I WAS ABUSED EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, AND FINANCIALLY. MY FATHER, WAS AROUND DURING THIS TIME, BUT HE ALWAYS SEEMED DISTANT. HE WASN’T THERE EMOTIONALLY.
WE WERE NEVER TAUGHT BOUNDARIES GROWING UP. WE DIDN’T LEARN POLITE BEHAVIOR EITHER. IN RETURN, WE WERE DIFFICULT CHILDREN AND NOT WELL BEHAVED. SOME OF OUR FAMILY HAD AN IDEA OF WHAT WAS GOING ON, BUT PROBABLY HAD NO IDEA OF HOW TO APPROACH IT. THE SAME WITH OTHERS, THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN SEEING HOW WE MISBEHAVED AND SIMPLY CONCLUDED WE WERE WILD CHILDREN. MAYBE THEY ASSUME WE NEEDED DISCIPLINE FOR BEING BAD KIDS. MY PARENTS WOULD EXPLODE WHEN WE MISBEHAVED— INSTEAD OF PUTTING IN THE HARD AND DIFFICULT WORK OF RAISING CHILDREN. BEING YOUNG, THOUGH, I DIDN’T REALLY KNOW SOMETHING WAS OFF WITH THE WAY WE WERE RAISED.
MY MOTHER WAS A PRODUCT OF MULTIPLE TRAUMAS. SHE HAD A SAD LIFE OVERALL. GENERATIONAL TRAUMA IS REAL. I NEVER HAD A REAL BOND WITH HER BECAUSE OF EVERYTHING. MOTHER’S DAY IS A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD FOR ME AND BITTERSWEET. I AM A PROUD MOTHER BUT CAN NEVER LOOK TO MY MOM AS AN EXAMPLE. I’M NOT SURE IF I LOVE HER OR NOT… BUT I WISH HER HAPPINESS, HEALING, AND PEACE.
I STARTED MY HEALING PROCESS IN MY 20’S. I EDUCATED MYSELF ON PSYCHOLOGY, DIFFERENT RELIGIONS, AND ESPECIALLY PARENTING BEFORE BECOMING A MOM. I’LL ALWAYS BE IMPERFECT, BUT I WILL ALWAYS LISTEN AND BE THERE FOR MY CHILDREN. TO OTHER WOMEN IN THIS SITUATION ON MOTHER’S DAY, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. I LEARNED THAT YOU NEED TO HAVE COMPASSION FOR HER AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR YOURSELF IN HEALING.
The second interview:
I STARTED TO RECOGNIZE MY ABUSE WHEN I WAS ABOUT 9. MY MOM WOULD EMOTIONALLY ABUSE ME. SHE WAS MARRIED TO MY STEPDAD WHO WAS A DRUNK. THERE WERE LOTS OF TIMES SHE WOULD CONVINCE HIM TO DISCIPLE ME FOR BEING A BAD CHILD. THE FIGHTS GOT WORSE AND SO DID MY ATTITUDE. MY MOM WOULD CALL ME STUPID AND A DUMBBELL. SHE CONSTANTLY BELITTLED ME.
THE HOUSE HAD LOTS OF HOLES IN THE DOORS OR WALLS, BECAUSE I WOULD SLAM DOORS. MY STEPDAD WOULD PUNCH THE DOOR TO GET IN MY ROOM THAT I WOULD BARRICADE. HE WOULD TELL ME TO DROP MY PANTS AND WHIP ME WITH HIS BELT. WHEN THE FIGHT WAS OVER MY MOM WOULD GO AND CHECK ON MY STEPDAD… NOT ME. THEN THE NEXT DAY I WAS TOLD I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND CALLED STUPID.
THERE WAS EVEN A FIGHT WHERE I ENDED UP SCRATCHING MY MOM’S FACE WITH HER SKIN UNDER MY NAILS. IT WAS AN ABUSIVE CYCLE. I WAS A BAD KID BECAUSE OF HOW I WAS BEING TREATED. I KEPT EVERYTHING INSIDE UNTIL I WOULD EXPLODE.
I STARTED TO SMOKE AND DRINK. I RAN AWAY 4 TIMES AS WELL. ON THE 4TH TIME I RAN AWAY, I WAS GONE FOR A YEAR BEFORE GETTING CAUGHT BY COPS. WHEN I WAS BACK HOME, I HAD TO SLEEP IN THE LIVING ROOM. IN THE YEAR I WAS GONE I REALIZED THAT I NEEDED TO ENDURE THIS TO REAP THE BENEFITS. I HAD TO WORK WITH THE ENVIRONMENT TO SURVIVE. I DEALT WITH THIS TILL THE DAY I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL ON MY 18TH BIRTHDAY, AND I LEFT.
MY MOM WAS NEVER OPEN OR SHARED ANYTHING ABOUT HER PAST. I BELIEVE SHE MUST HAVE HAD SOME TRAUMA OR A HARD LIFE. I FEEL LIKE SHE DID THIS BECAUSE I WAS A REPRESENTATION OF THE MISTAKES SHE MADE IN HER LIFE. THE MEMORY OF EVERYTHING IS JUST AS HARD NOW THAT I AM OLDER. I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT OF TIMES, AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO LOVE HER LIKE I AM OBLIGATED TOO.
TO THIS DAY I HAVE HAD PROBLEMS WITH THE MEN I’VE HAD IN MY LIFE. WHEN I WAS MARRIED, I TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT IT FELT LIKE I WAS MARRIED TO MY MOM. HE ALWAYS BELITTLED ME AS WELL. ALSO,
DATING SOME GUYS I NEVER SEEMED TO BE GOOD ENOUGH OR DO ENOUGH.
I AM A MOTHER OF 2 NOW AND WAS WORRIED AT THE BEGINNING THAT MY TRAUMA WOULD AFFECT THEM LIKE IT DID ME. I LEARNED THOUGH TO LISTEN TO MY KIDS. I AM INVOLVED IN THEIR LIVES, BUT NOT TOO INVOLVED. I CARE FOR AND AM PATIENT WITH THEM AS WELL. I REALIZE NOW IN MY LIFE THAT I HAVE THE POWER. I DON’T CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME AND WILL ALWAYS PUT MY KIDS & MYSELF FIRST.
Both these women are strong, amazing survivors. They both are dedicated, fearless, hard-working mothers as well. To blossom from trauma is not easy. It can be a daily fight, but the reward for them is their children who love and smile daily. Learning compassion and how to forgive others who have drastically changed your life in negative ways is possible. Remember you are never alone, there is help and support. You are not your mother nor her mistakes. You are fearless, bold, and uniquely you.
Happy Mother’s Day to the abused mothers working everyday cherishing, raising, and loving their children.
Websites used in this article
