My Survivor Story

I have been in an abusive relationship for the last three years. It still doesn’t feel real. I still wonder if I made this whole situation bigger then it was. Im also embarrassed to admit that I still love and miss him. But I know how dangerous it is for me to have any contact with him. Everything started small. He would drink too much and be a little mean. Then he would be a lot mean. He would make fun of my body. He would constantly cheat on me but deny it and call me crazy. He would offer me up to other men and ask them if they wanted to sleep with me. When I would get upset he would get even more upset. Eventually things got physical. It was small. I grab, a push. Then it got bad. He would take my hands and hit me with them. He would get on top of me and not let me up. He choked me on more then one occasion and has pulled my hair out multiple times. I know how bad this sounds… but even as I’m typing this out I wonder if it was my fault for pushing him too far. I finally knew I had to cut off all contact when he broke into my house while I was in the shower he told me he would kill me if i didn’t give him my phone. He took it. Came back hours later, threw it at me. Then spit pizza and water at me over and over. He finally left. I locked the doors and laid awake all night. I’m still not sleeping well. I’m in therapy and want to heal. I someday want a healthy relationship, but for now I want to work on myself.