My Story- Amy

I grew up with domestic violence. Finally free I paid my way to school. I got an amazing job Realize the person that I was with after five months was showing red flags so I broke up with him. I didn’t realize I was pregnant. My parents taking a lot of money from me without my knowledge I was broke so he said move in with me, and I did, what a huge mistake. The first time he was violent, I was pregnant and my alarm was going off for work he didn’t work. He was an alcoholic and a trust fund the person. He was 12 years older than me, but you wouldn’t know it. I didn’t know his criminal history at the time or his degree of drinking and drug use. I barely knew him. When my alarm went off, but I was pregnant for work, I didn’t get up right away. I was one of those people that set my alarm multiple times he kicked me under the floor. I was the last person of the people I knew that would ever be in a violent relationship, it only got worse from there more abuse. Me leaving multiple times coming back. I had a very toxic family so really nowhere to go. He said he changed after coming back from his trip with his family told me he wanted to marry me have a baby another one and I believed him I still don’t know why, but I don’t think the why really matters anymore. Once I was pregnant, he decided he didn’t want the baby anymore. He told me my daughter that we had together and myself would be left with nothing, and my daughter would be in a diaper barefoot on the porch somewhere. This point in our relationship, there was no doubt that he would kill me. If I had another child financially to him, I would be better off dead than him paying more child support. I never believed in abortion, but I always believed in the right to choose for others. I did have an abortion and I left them. I knew if I didn’t he would kill me. I immediately regretted it I remember waking up on the table as I was sedated during the procedure, and when I woke up the first thing, I said is, I changed my mind. I still cry with regret for making that decision. However, I don’t think anyone has the right to say if you should or shouldn’t have an abortion, it should be up to the person having the child With the new laws that I see now it makes me sad because domestic violence is left out of the equation and women aren’t given a choice. As time went by, I Learn More in more about his criminal history, and how many DUIs he had he was on his fifth by the time I was finally gone, he refused to get help with rehab was the first time I saw someone as a true sociopath. He was wealthy Because of trust funds and had a very enabling mother, they took me to court we had the longest case in our counties history. It was the first time I realized how corrupt Family Court was. People don’t truly understand unless they’ve lived it and went through Family Court how corrupt it actually is I always used to think it was right and wrong. The courts don’t see it that way they see money they see who’s attorney they know more, definitely a boys club people think it’s like on TV but it’s absolutely not. It’s never really been depicted truthfully, which I think is a shame that nationwide people don’t understand what it’s actually like to be in Family Court after being denied an order of protection because he had guns and had threaten my life. He then was arrested for domestic violence against another woman, who he also pulled his weapon on And she ran from the house with no shoes. I contacted her as sadly her number was in the file despite it not being something that should be there. She was to testify at my hearing, but the judge never letter, and as he was a felon on parole. I finally went to the States Atty and said , as my order protection was denied, the judge saying no merit and I remember people crying in the quart room as I testified. When I went to the states attorney, I said I’ve written you many letters. It said he’s going to kill me he’s a felon on parole with guns. He’s threaten me he’s threaten other people , and if he does kill me and my family will make it public all the attempts I made to keep me and my daughter safe and your failure to do so the next morning they had his parole officer go to his house and they found five guns and 200 rounds . It didn’t matter to the family court judge. He actually ordered him to be on coughed in Family Court, which had never been done before in that county as in Family Court they state in handcuffs for a reason there is not the set up like there is in criminal court where they have five sheriffs present. When he ordered him to be on, coughed the DuPage county, sheriff in the argued that he would not uncuffed him the judge and the share of argued with each other, and the sheriff demanded that the judge write an order, as it was against what the courthouse allowed. I later learned no one had ever been on, coughed in Family Court. I also learned how corrupt guardian at Litems are. She didn’t protect my daughter. She, in fact, made her more unsafe. My state representative sent people to the courthouse, and they also got transcripts of things he would say the judge I mean, and on the day the judge was planning to put me in jail for not being able to pay for yet another evaluation, which it had already been determined that he should not have unsupervised visits The judge was forced to retire early. I knew people who worked in the courthouse and they had said he was yelling and screaming the judge I mean because of it. The next charge was no better. There was an order that I was not allowed to take my daughter to counseling despite her being diagnosed with PTSD. This was done because the court and the judge wanted no one to know what was going on other than them but I took her anyway. The therapist wrote a letter for my daughter, and despite how long it took, I did get pro bono attorneys for many years of the court hearing which is very rare. It was not legal aid as I did not qualify for legal aid because her father had so much money, however Courts determine that often yet the mother has no access to the other persons money. For example, we were never married. I was also denied him paying my attorneys fees so in the beginning within nine months, I was bankrupt the judge in this case tried to make an agreement in chambers with my attorney present that if my daughters father paid the guardian at Leitem $10,000 that he would give him overnight and unsupervised visits. Luckily her therapist which is very rare because Therapist don’t like to get involved in family court situation. She had written a letter that my daughters feelings on the matter were not being heard. It was the first the judge my daughters father, and the guardian at Leitem learned that there was a therapist. She was seeing as I had said previously, I had a court order that I was not allowed to take her to therapy, but I did anyway. Once the judge learned that she had a therapist, and that my daughter felt her voice was not being heard he halted his in chambers what should be a legal request. Eventually, the case ended with my daughter only having to go overnight or unsupervised if she agreed, and if she did not agree, as she was age 12, she could tell her therapist why and the therapist would relay that information to her father. However, what her father and his attorneys didn’t realize, but that I did is that at age 12 in the state I was in, he could not access her mental health records without her permission, so she never ended up having to sleep over or be on supervised and he never got access to her records shortly after the case, and then he left for a different country that had no extradition as his money was worth more in the country. He went to. He also was at one point smuggling drugs across the border, so not being able to be extradited was in his favor. It was a huge relief that he had left. The judge that was forced into early retirement reduce the child support from what the original judge had set it at and only had him pay $500 a month, despite him being a multi millionaire, I never tried to get an increase because I knew that I was only putting a bounty on my own head.
After that relationship, it took a long time before I entered another relationship. The first one I entered, was healthy a nice person however, I discovered that my daughter and myself had PTSD so maintaining a healthy relationship with anyone was very difficult so we spent more time in therapy and trying to heal, unfortunately the next person I met was exactly the opposite of who I said I would ever meet or allow in my life again he was a person I knew that had multiple DUIs. I still don’t know why I allowed him in our lives. I looked him up and knew of his criminal history, but on his own, he was honest about it , which was the difference between my daughters dad and him why I gave that any integrity I don’t know. It ended up being a very violent relationship with a person who was a alcoholic drug addict very unreliable and violent as well as financially damaging I think I wanted to believe that this could be a healthy relationship in someway , or that maybe I was on worthy of love by people, and he claimed to love me and that was enough. I don’t know my therapist say that you do what you know which is I grew up with violence, a very toxic mother, and violent father his violence was geared towards me , I protected my siblings by interjecting myself when he would get angry with them so that the focus was on me in this new relationship we run to the house together. Finally my daughter and I had a Home. However, my income was the primary income I did not drink or use drugs, so I was very opposite of both my previous relationship, and this one his mother and family was also very enabling to him. Nothing was his fault I lived in a type of bubble. I was not blind or unaware of his alcohol and drug use and lack of responsibility yet somehow I just wanted a Family. He showed signs of financial abuse, such as shutting off my phone and my older, daughters phone, if I did not do what he said, he would often overdraw the account we decided to have children and so many would say why would you do that and again my answer would be I just wanted to family and many would say it’s irresponsible to bring children into a relationship so toxic and I don’t disagree, but my thinking was so distorted and I had never had the family that in my head I felt I could have. I can’t explain it to people because I don’t understand my decision myself but because I wasn’t like him, I can say you never imagined someone can do the things they do when you don’t think the same way as them that’s the only explanation I can give we met in 2007 and moved in together Again it was a relationship that moved quickly in 2008. I got pregnant and had a miscarriage he wanted children. I honestly didn’t want more children because my daughter was 12 at the time and I had already raised a daughter on my own going through so much before , but the picture of this family that he described he wanted sounded so happy, and I finally wanted to be happy. I went to a fertility doctor and with medication got pregnant and had my son in 2009 after him I went through fertility again medication and also other medical ways but it was unsuccessful. My numbers were all over the place so my doctor said that we needed to stop and in January we would do in vitro that November I wasn’t getting my period however the pregnancy tests all came out negative so I went back to my fertility doctor to find out what was going on with my body, and they informed me that I was in fact pregnant And in 2011 I had my daughter. At that time I decided to have my tubes tied at the same time as my son had to be a C-section due to emergency reasons which meant my daughter also had to be a C-section so I decided to have my tubes tied at the time. The relationship was not getting better. It was getting worse. The violence was getting worse the drinking was getting worse. The drugs were getting worse the cheating on me was getting worse financial situation was getting worse. Everything was getting worse I couldn’t leave him alone with the children so I had to have a babysitter while I went to work, however after I had my daughter, I went back to my job and they did not have the same job available for me so they agreed to let me go, however pay me, unemployment and a severance package. I wanted to be home with my children and paying a sitter was incredibly expensive so I felt this was the best way to go however it last me relying on him financially, that was a huge mistake. His instability and drug use and alcohol use lead to us separating and him getting another DUI. His mom worked at the courthouse that we lived in the county of so he would continuously be driven to his mothers house. Every time 911 was called due to domestic violence. He was violent towards me, and my oldest daughter and the police always just drove him to his mothers, it made me feel as if we were completely unprotected. This is how it functioned and DuPage county in Illinois and the towns of Warrenville and Winfield Illinois in 2014. He was finally arrested and our separation was final. I was able to get a pro bono attorney as I had applied for one nine months prior to us separating. I knew I wanted out. I just didn’t know how. The shelter told me that because I had an older daughter who was at that point in high school and the cheerleader that she was not conducive for the shelter because they had a rule that you had to be back at the shelter at 9 PM and they didn’t feel that was possible with her being on a team as football games go past 9 PM and her being a teenager. I was relieved not to go to the shelter because I felt as if I was the one being put in jail, having to adhere to these hours and rules. Well, he would run free, and I couldn’t understand it, this is when I learned that shelters didn’t really help financially as far as getting back on your feet or finding a home I had witnessed financial abuse as I helped my friend through her situation with her soon to be ex-husband as I got her a pro bono attorney as well as I helped her and her children while her soon to be ex-husband did not allow her to have any access to money so for over a year she and her children stayed at my home during the day where they ate had birthdays etc. it’s not that I wasn’t aware of financial abuse I just wasn’t aware of how much it impacted people. I in 2012. My ex-husband broke my back permanently. I was in a lot of pain. However, I didn’t realize my back was permanently broken. I thought the pain was due to the PTSD. I had as pain comes along with PTSD which months people don’t know. It was towards the end of 2012 that I was able to get Medicaid and see my doctor, she had to do an x-ray and informed me that my back was broken . My ex, and I were not separated at the time but we’re nearing that point. I didn’t tell my doctor that my husband broke my back. It was in 2013, that I saw specialist orthopedic surgeons for my back which they informed me it was permanently broken that the space was too wide for it to ever heal on its own. I saw multiple specialist because I could not except that my body was permanently, broken at the hands of a man had picked me up and thrown me on a dishwasher door that was down. My toxic family played a role in that event as well as what happened after. So I had no support. It was just me and three kids. The orthopedic surgeon I saw that was about to do shots in my back for pain said to me that he felt that I was actually in danger and that there was no way I could’ve broken my back in that way That I had to be at least 6 feet in the air and dropped onto some thing in order to have a break like that in my back. He was the first doctor I was honest with, and I told him what really happened. Dealing with this information and knowing that it could never be fixed. I ended up being inpatient at a psychiatric facility because between my toxic family and their participation of that event and after that I needed help. I also went to nine weeks of outpatient help during that time is when my ex got his fifth DUI, and we were not together we were separated, he lived with his mother they tried to use me getting help as a way to take the children away however, my friends that I had witnessed all the violence that he had perpetrated upon me and my older daughter, and the way he treated us made it clear to him that they were protecting me and my children And that his behavior was not acceptable to them at all. They have to watch my children while I got help. The financial abuse started as he moved all the money into his own account that I had no access to, and he also overdrew my personal bank and left me with no money to pay it, causing my account to be flagged by the bank, not allowing me to have a bank account for over a year and it also took away, my ability to work and any financial companies as that was my career I did mortgages and I worked in the financial industry since I was in my early 20s. He also used my Social Security number. He filed taxes by signing my name, and taking the funds. He used my name on many bills, and left me with bills that were in my name. However, they were actually his bills he eventually went to jail for breaking his conditions of the domestic violence And right after was transferred to a state prison for his 5th. He left us with no money at all and me and financial ruin. People helped us pay the mortgage to stay in the home that I had been renting for over nine years. There’s so many events of abuse that it would take a long time to name them all. Each event, however, I will never forget my younger children remember different events as they were young, but remember one or two events that took place my oldest daughter remembers all of them my friends that witnessed his abuse. Also remember all the events as time went on the breaking my back caused more damage than I realized it would as well as the other abuse that I endured throughout that time. It caused my body to start to break down and have many symptoms that my doctors couldn’t explain and did many tests for many years. It caused me so that I could not work and I was losing my ability to walk. I ended up having to have both my knees replaced fully, and the court order that he pay the rent for three months as I had those surgeries. However, he did not do that. He was supposed to pay on the first to the landlord, and because he didn’t do that we ended up getting evicted from the home that my kids knew, and this was absolutely devastating to them. It was right after my other knee was fully replace as it was three months apart that I had an infection notice so I was moving out well also healing from the knee. I also got very sick and had so many symptoms that I kept telling my doctors I felt like I was dying and I did feel that way I learned in 2017 that I was diagnosed with spinocerrebella Ataxia, which was caused from the break in my back, basically a trauma to my body that caused a condition that is degenerative and has no cure. It’s a lot like MS or ALS similar symptoms. They cycle and progressively get worse. I have a walker and I also have a scooter, I have loss of balance I can’t keep food and I have tremors migraines, fibromyalgia neuropathy and after testing I’ve lost feeling in my left foot. I now need two surgeries on both feet. The healing time is six months apart so I would have to do one, then do the other, and basically the whole process would take a year to heal , it also cause issues with my eyes, causing me to lose my peripheral vision. And having to have cataracts removed from both my eyes at a very young age due to my loss of balance I have broken my wrists, my foot and fallen many times injuring myself when not using my walker even with my walker, I fall , even with the scooter I’ve fallen over. It also neurological damage both comprehension and short term memory loss, which was personally devastating to me because everything that I had learned worked for paid for school was on deans list had great jobs earns a high amount of money worked for large companies that I was proud of was all wiped out, I ended up on disability and in poverty my kids and I ended up homeless twice. We ended up moving to Florida, which has now proven to be a huge mistake as Florida is not a state that anyone who wants their children to have a good education and not be targeted by bigots , racist or people who agree with misogyny and taking away women’s rights wants to live. I’ve done the news. Many times I’ve done CNN and also local news on many topics such as financial abuse homelessness discrimination in schools of those who are homeless the importance of the child, tax credit and the discrimination against people on disability in Florida being able to acquire a food card as I have been denied more times than I can count And the calculations that Florida uses is against the policy that they actually have so my kids and I often go without food. After my ex was released from prison, he was not allowed to see me or my three children for two years he made no attempt to see his children at all or contact them, which is why we moved to Florida in 2019 to get away from all the toxic people, such as him, his spouse and my family and his, however it left me with just my children and myself and with the condition I have it’s extremely difficult. People tend to believe that when people are in poverty, or a disability or victims of domestic violence that there is an array of help out there there is not absolutely no government entity or domestic violence entity helped us to regain housing or get food small organizations helped us in small ways, but not enough to impact changing our life. It was only after we did the news about it being homeless, and the lack of help in the county we lived in and the lack of help in the state of Florida for those who are homeless as senator Marco Rubio said , there is nothing we can do for you. A person saw it on the news and contacted the reporter and that person is how we became able to have a place to live due to the damage that my ex had done to me financially causing an addiction and a Bankruptcy I still to this point after so many years cannot rent or buy a home due to my income being disability I don’t meet the standards of renting or buying as I don’t make 2 to 3 times the monthly Rental amount required. My ex, and his spouse harassed me from the time he was under the pearl condition where he could not contact us. She did it for him. She harassed me and my children for so many years and still does. I blocked her as many ways as possible, she creates new profiles and finds new ways to harass us. He continued his financial abuse by not helping with any of the things listed in the divorce decree until recently, our cases in the state of Illinois, and due to him, not providing his income it took over a year to get an increase in child support for most of the children’s lives. He did not pay child support at all.
My kids have suffered greatly living in Florida, and going to Florida. Schools is an absolutely devastating place to live. I’ve contributed to articles, exposing the schools, bullying and physical attacks as well as sexual abuse that they don’t report or make excuses for.
My kids and I have all been diagnosed with PTSD since they were very young and they have gotten trauma help in Illinois. However, Florida does not have good mental health and even the people who work in that arena from psychiatrists therapist, DCF Police school, social workers emergency room, doctors and psychiatrists at hospitals. All have said that Florida has the worst mental health, and that Florida is the last place to come. If you need mental health help for your children I wish I had known that prior.
I speak out as much as I can, and I’ve written a bill called new beginnings which is aimed at bringing women and children out of poverty, as women and children are victims of financial abuse, 98% of all cases of domestic violence, which is one and three people. Financial abuse is the number one reason why women and children are in poverty and homeless my Bill Aims to help women and men who are victims of financial abuse, and most importantly children no longer having to face the consequences of financial abuse, caused by another person, and requiring companies like banks, mortgage companies, car loans, utilities, car insurance, renting, and credit reports and other entities like these all coming together stop punishing the people who are victims of financial abuse, and allowing them to have access to these things without penalty, and bring them out of poverty and homelessness. This requires the health of both states and senators to take a stand to finally end the ongoing poverty caused by domestic violence and financial abuse. Poverty and homelessness causes significant damage to children that cannot be undone. People don’t realize that those who caused the financial abuse are often not prosecuted by any entity not banks, not the IRS not other entities it’s brushed off yet women and children suffer, sometimes generationally.
My goal is to stop this.
I also have been pleading with the president for a cabinet member to finally be put in place for those who are victims of domestic violence, and financial abuse. The bill that is supposed to help women and children is not enough and has never been enough. It’s missing significant details that a cabinet member would be able to change and modify and keep people safe and make financial abuse. Finally some thing that could change women and children’s lives in significant ways. Anyone that can help get this done I asked for their help as this bill has been submitted and written for many years, as well as my please to the president for a cabinet member to help domestic violence and financial abuse victims in a significant way.
My story is not different from so many, but I’m trying to make changes from what I’ve learned. I hope someday that Family Court is actually not made to be the most profiting court room in a courthouse for attorneys but instead, a place that puts children first as it does not currently do, it’s based on money, what attorney knows who which attorneys have relationships with judges, and it’s not held to any accountability by anyone. People don’t realize that to appeal a decision in a Family Court room cost approximately $10,000 plus. People don’t realize that legal aid is not available for most women as legal aid will turn them down because the other person has a job or money however, in most states, those same people can put money in a bank account that you have no access to all states need to end this so that it’s no longer acceptable.
This is why I speak out on the news and contribute to articles that I can to make changes for people who are dealing with the same situation. It’s time all of our voices are heard in real change to come. Thank you for listening to what’s happened to me and my children no matter how difficult it may seem to get out it is the best solution and please whatever you do get out safely. My advice to most people is do not make an announcement that you are leaving. Do not make an argument with the other person about leaving. Make sure you have all your documentation already put away long before you leave, then when it’s safe go. I wish you all the best.