By Survivor Onika
My abuser kept me low. Here is the story of how I escaped and rose above!
**The following is written by a survivor of domestic violence and abuse. Names have been changed to protect all involved.**
I am a survivor of domestic violence. I was in an unhealthy and abusive relationship for 13 years. The last two years of the relationship I was married to my abuser.
Taking Advantage of My Working
The violence I endured began as verbal abuse. My abuser would curse me out and call me every name other than what my parents gave me. Gradually, I noticed his inability to support me in our household and I was the primary breadwinner in our family.
He was very unreliable and the manipulation and gaslighting began. When the bills were too much for me to handle I would be forced to pawn my precious items. While he would sit and watch and not contribute.
When he would get angry, I would get cursed out in front of his family, out in public, in front of friends, anywhere to make me embarrassed in an effort to isolate me from those that truly loved me.
Sharing One Vehicle with My Abuser
At certain points in the relationship, we were sharing one vehicle. During those times he would stay out all night and ignore my calls. These nights out became more and more lengthy and there were times when he would leave me in the house with no vehicle from Friday to Monday.
There were times when I didn’t know if I would be able to get to work or not. As time went on his anger increased and I saw myself diminishing to please him, really to keep the peace in the home. To gain a reaction from me he would flatten the tires of the only vehicle we shared so I couldn’t leave.
He has taken all of my shoes so that I couldn’t leave the home, thrown my cell phone in the toilet, crushed my cell phone with his timberland boots, etc. When I became pregnant with our 1st child, I had to work up until he was born as his income was flighting, unreliable and inconsistent.
He Never Supported Us
He rarely supported me while pregnant and many appointments I went to alone. During one appointment the doctor advised me that I had contracted Chlamydia. I had no idea what that was and had never heard of it before that day.
The doctor advised me that not treated, it could cause eye problems, even blindness. I confronted my then abuser, who was my boyfriend at the time. He accused me of cheating on him, yelled at the top of his lungs, put a gun to my head and kicked my out of his brother’s house. Where he was temporarily staying at the time.
When the baby was born he had a film on his eyes and I was terrified that I had passed on Chlamydia to him, thank God I hadn’t.
My Abuser Made Me Feel So Awful
By this time, my abuser was nothing but disrespectful to me any opportunity he got. He never called me by my name, I was always B$#@*&.
I was extremely scared of him by this point but wanted to keep my family together. I was quite vulnerable to be honest. Anytime I threatened to leave him he would always express that he would plant drugs in the home so that I would go to jail.
So of course I never called the cops as I had a felony conviction on my record from a mistake I made at 18/19 years of age. He would use force to scare me into compliance.
My Abuser’s Manipulations
My abuser would punch the walls, or use a hammer to damage something in the house and never fix it even though he was quite capable of doing so as he had experience as a handyman, thanks to his father. There were several incidents where he used our son as a tool to encourage me to stay by force.
He played the victim and would twist my words to make it look like I was the abuser in the relationship. There was an instance when I wanted him to leave so I told him that by law I had to give him a 30 day notice. By this time, we were living in a condominium that I had purchased with my Father’s support, which was in my name only.
He became so enraged that I had told him that, and at this time, he was supposed to drop me off at work and pick me up later that evening. He drove me to work but on the way. My abuser made a detour heading the complete opposite direction speeding so fast, going through red lights. Jerking and shucking the truck through the city and onto the interstate to scare me into submission.
This was his way to control me and force me to tell him who had given me that knowledge about the rental rules.
Using Me for Things
This truck was in my name I was paying the note on it. It was a red Explorer and I was so proud of it. A week before this incident I had refinanced it and so my payment was much cheaper and I was so happy for myself. I was bettering my credit and accomplishing small goals that I had set for myself.
Well, due to that incident where my abuser used my vehicle as a tool to scare me a few days later, the truck wasn’t starting at all. So, I couldn’t afford to fix the truck and pay the note and he of course, didn’t offer any assistance. So I was forced to voluntarily return my truck and my credit score plummeted just like that.
I was devastated. He would often do things to eliminate by ability to excel at things. This could be calling me dumb because I was a felon, telling me I am worthless and no one else will want me. Not supporting me to further my education as I already had earned one Bachelor’s degree. Or making it difficult for me to work extra hours on my job by refusing to watch our child.
“Time went on.”
Eventually, I became pregnant again. By now my self-esteem was so low. My skin was horrible, I was experiencing anxiety daily and irritable bowels every night. I felt hopeless and helpless.
I was too embarrassed to share with my friends or my family. At this time, we did have 2 vehicles. I called my abuser when I felt I was in labor and he said he would come home to drive me. He never came so I was forced to drive myself to the hospital while in pain from contractions.
When I arrived to the hospital it was in the evening about 10 or 11pm. I had no idea where my husband was, we were married by this time. I just called and called and at a certain point I called his mother and sister so they were now calling him and calling him also receiving no answer.
But I felt too embarrassed to call my mom and have her come to support me because she would ask me where my abuser was and I was too ashamed to say that I had no clue.
Finally Finding Him
Eventually around 4am or so his mother said she located him and he was on his way. Once he arrived, I felt comfortable enough to call my mom so that she could support me during this time. The epidural didn’t take and I felt everything.
Soon after my abuser told me he needed to go home to get clothes for our new son. This was about 8am.
Time went on. I had to use the restroom and I fainted and had to be carried to my bed.
Time went on. His family came to visit.
Time went on. I kept feeling wetness below. My dressings were changed and I bled through and bled through that change and bled through that change. I was holding my nurses had as I felt my body leaving this earth. It was literally me looking at myself from above myself, an out of body experience.
I said to my nurse “Please don’t let me die.” By then I had 3 nurses on one side of me and 3 on the other advising me that I would require a blood transfusion. His family was instructed to exit the room at this time, approximately 5pm or so.
“I was scared.”
It was my mom and my adult daughter by my bedside at that time. Soon after my abuser waltzed in and was told what was happening. He said with no feeling or expression whatsoever, “The boys need you.”
The blood transfusion was successful. I spent both nights in my hospital room by myself, not knowing where my abuser was. When it was time for my discharge I hadn’t heard from him and was too embarrassed to call my mom to come pick us up from the hospital.
About 30 minutes before it was time (about 12ish in the afternoon) he called and said he was on his way. The first 3 nights being home with the new baby and recovering from a blood transfusion I was home alone and had no idea where my abuser was.
The Bills and My Abuser
The bills were piling up because I had been the only one in the household working. So, at my 2 week check up, I begged my doctor to release me to return to work. Still in pain both mentally and physically, but I couldn’t lose my home.
The disfunction continued and at this point we were roommates, had been for some time. He was in the other bedroom, there were 2, talking on the phone to a girlfriend and made the comment “I heard you’ve been sleeping around with other men.”
I heard this comment and asked him who he was talking to, while I had the baby in my hand. The baby was still a newborn at this time. He immediately sprung up out of the bed and dragged me by my feet from one end of the condo to the other (while I’m kicking and screaming in horror).
The Violence
He then pinned me down to the floor with one hand and used the other hand to throw punches to the floor literally so close to my face I could feel the wind as he punched. Had I moved my face even slightly, I don’t think I would be here today.
My questioning him enraged him! That was one of the scariest moments in my life. Then, in an instant it was over and I looked over and there was our newborn.
His tiny little body, dangling off the edge of the bed within the white sheet. So close to us (during this incident) it was nothing but God that protected him.
And that was when I knew I had to plan my escape from years of feeling trapped and experiencing suicidal ideations regularly.
I then began journaling, writing really, as a way to cope and imagine a happy and healthy life for myself and my children. I left my abuser when our second son was 11 months old, this was approximately 12 years ago.
Check These Resources:
- Complete Guide to Mindful Meditation, and Emotional Healing.
- The Hidden Impact of Teen Dating Violence
- Find Support with BTSADV
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