By Survivor Vimmi
**The following is written by a survivor of domestic violence and abuse. Names have been changed to protect all involved, including my husband.**
Details of the Day it Began
It was May 31st, 2000, a beautiful summer day in Canada, when I walked into a hair salon for a haircut and color. Hoping to feel refreshed and renewed for my birthday.
The sound of the door chimed as I entered, very comforting. The salon was known for its clean, modern, and friendly environment. The stylists brought creativity and innovation to their work. I sat on the salon chair and my stylist began to work his magic.
The snip of the scissors, as he trimmed my hair felt refreshing, and then he added color. My hair was long, thick, and curly. I’ve always received compliments about how pretty my hair looked.
He then offered me lunch and I declined.
I had coffee instead. My husband then called me asking how long the appointment would take and I told him my hair was being colored so it might take a little longer than expected. He said he was going to drop by so I waited for him.
My husband walked into the salon and didn’t look too happy. He wasn’t very friendly to my hair stylist either, and I figured out why.
Jealousy and Threats
He was jealous to see a male cutting and coloring my hair and my husband assumed we were flirting with one another. My husband whispered and said, “Wait till you get home.” I then started to worry and fear came over me. All these thoughts took over my mind.
What was wrong with a male cutting and coloring my hair? What did I do wrong here? If he couldn’t trust me then what was the point of us being together?
When the stylist finished coloring my hair, I wasn’t feeling well and told him not to worry about drying and styling my hair. The stylist asked if I was alright and I told him everything was great. I paid for the services and walked out of the salon.
I went into my car and drove home. When I reached, I parked my car on the driveway and walked inside. My husband wasn’t there. I went to see my children. My eldest was six years old and my youngest was one year old. My mother-in-law was living with us and she would often help care for my boys when I had to run out for some errands.
“I went downstairs and started preparing dinner.”
My mother-in-law already prepared dinner for us but I wanted to prepare something else. She would always prepare Indian meals, but sometimes I would want to prepare something different and not Indian.
I was working the following day so I wanted to pack some food for work. All in all, I was only able to work part-time due to my younger son having health issues. I worked mostly evening shifts for about five hours each day.
When my husband walked through the door, he started shouting at me. He asked me how I felt about a male trimming and coloring my hair.
I told him there was no difference and I had no preference whether it was male or female. He was very jealous and accused me of flirting with him. The argument escalated and went on all night. I never thought I would experience it since it was not a big deal.
Shouts Turn to Violence
My mother-in-law went into her room and I tucked my eldest son in his bed and my younger son in his bed and closed the door behind me.
I went to the family room and turned on the television. My husband came from behind and started pulling my hair. This was going on for a couple of hours. He would strike my head and pull my hair.
I told him to stop as I was feeling a lot of pain and I was exhausted. My mother-in-law never came out and helped me stop him from beating me or pulling my hair. I was praying that my boys didn’t hear my cry.
He made small comments about how I looked to belittle me rather than compliment me. His tone was cold and hostile. The man kept grabbing a fistful of my hair and he was pulling me back and forward as if I were his rag doll.
“The pressure in my neck grew and I felt this sense of helplessness.”
I wanted to scream but the words stuck inside my throat and I couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t his wife, I was just someone he could control.
A couple of hours later, he stopped striking my head and pulling my hair. I felt my scalp was ripped from my very skull and I felt the pressure was so intense. He then walked downstairs and started striking holes in the wall.
I went upstairs and walked into the bathroom and locked the door. My forehead was bruised up, I felt a lot of pain and tenderness on my scalp, my scalp was irritated, and I also had a stiff neck and headache.
I walked into my boys’ room, locked the door behind me, and went to sleep with them.
The next morning, my head was feeling swollen and painful to touch.
“I wasn’t feeling well.”
I should have called the police and had him arrested but I didn’t. However, I was afraid of him. Most times, he would threaten me and tell me he would put me 6 feet underground if I ever left him or called the police on him.
I went downstairs and made myself some coffee. Because I was very emotional and confused. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle the situation. I then called in sick to work. When I turned around, this man tried apologizing for what he had done.
I told him to stay away from me. I didn’t want him near me.
Then, he begged me to forgive him. He asked if he could take me shopping for my birthday but I declined. I told him to stay away from me.
He wouldn’t stop. He was persistent so I then agreed. We went to the Square One Mall and then he bought me perfume, clothing, shoes, makeup, and a birthday cake. He then took me out for lunch.
Nothing Would Change
All this didn’t change how I felt for that man. He hurt me because I had a male cut and color my hair. So what would happen if I was speaking with a male friend? This man was very jealous and I couldn’t handle his insecurities.
This could happen again and he may even take my life. I tried to let this pass, but the fear inside me kept growing. But I couldn’t even look at that man. I hated him for what he had done to me.
My husband kept apologizing to me at the restaurant and I told him to stop. It was too much for me to comprehend and I just needed time to think about what had happened and time for myself.
When we finished having lunch, we headed back home. This man told me not to tell anyone what he did to me and I asked him why would I do that. What would anyone think of me for staying with this man if I did tell anyone?
“I wished I had called the police to have him arrested.”
I didn’t feel safe with my husband, knowing that this wouldn’t be the first time he would have beat me.
We were invited to a wedding reception and we all went including my mother-in-law. Throughout the party, my husband was drinking a lot. I didn’t like the idea since he was driving us all back home and I didn’t obtain my driver’s license.
That’s when I told him to stop drinking, but he didn’t listen. I then went back to the table and told my mother-in-law we would have to call a taxi to drive us all back home.
Suddenly, I heard shouting and my husband was striking a guy. The police arrived and took down some statements from both sides including me. He didn’t like the idea of the police officer asking me questions so he then started arguing with me asking what he asked me.
I’ve advised him the officer was only asking questions about the incident. So he asked me “Why I was flirting with the officer afterward?”
I told him, “I wasn’t flirting.”
“This became a problem.”
No matter which male I was speaking to, whether it was an authority or a friend, he would always assume I was flirting. I told him to stop behaving so insecure and stop blaming me for something that would never happen.
Sometimes, this man would just slap my head for no reason, or push me and his mother wouldn’t say anything to help me. Perhaps she was afraid as well and I couldn’t just blame her. I was also part of the problem by enabling all this.
There were times when I did contact the police and I remember one of the officers who took down my statement asking me, “Why am I still with him? You could do better than that and calling the police all the time won’t change anything.”
I agreed with the officer and I didn’t understand why I never listened. He was charged a few times for domestic violence and put in jail many times, but he never did change for the better.
More Charges
The man was addicted to cocaine and prescription drugs. He claimed that he was hurting physically and these drugs were to help him get well.
I never believed him.
He was addicted and needed help. He was financially abusing me and I had to put a stop to all this, but I didn’t know how. There were times when I had to sleep with my wallet. He had stolen all my jewelry, and belongings and sold them all to get his next fix.
I had to blame myself again for enabling all this. All in all, I could have left him, but I didn’t. I knew this was selfish of me considering I had children and their safety was paramount.
If Only
If I had only broken free from all this we wouldn’t be in this mess. This was my nemesis and that was fear. What was I afraid of? I could have just packed up and left with my children.
In August of 2013, Steve was charged and incarcerated, for a year, uttering death threats and destroying our apartment. I was grateful he was gone.
But did I change? No.
When this man was released, I brought him back into our home hoping he was a changed man. He didn’t change at all. His drug addiction got worse and the abuse didn’t end.
The Final Straws for My Husband
My husband financially abused me leaving me with nothing left in the bank account. When I received a paycheck from work, I would sleep with my wallet at night so he wouldn’t take my debit card.
For years, I lived in fear, not just because of my husband’s drug addiction, but because of the financial abuse that came with it. Money was always disappearing and bills were always unpaid.
I never had enough money to pay for groceries and the mortgage. No matter how hard I tried to plan and save, everything was taken away from me making it impossible to feel safe and secure. I was always anxious and constantly on the edge.
“It took me a long time to realize that I deserved stability and freedom from my husband.”
Knowing him and being married to this man for almost 30 years was difficult. I’m not saying he was like this when we first met, but over time I noticed the change in his behavior. The friends he hung around with, and his addiction to drugs.
In January 2020, I knew it was never too late to break free from this man so I decided to go to court to file for divorce. It took weeks for him to agree, and when he did sign the papers he was very dramatic at the courthouse. He started crying out loud.
When we went home, I packed my bags and left him. My boys were older and studying at the time and didn’t want anything to do with their father.
Freedom
In June 2020, the judge granted my divorce and it wasn’t as easy as it seemed afterwards. My ex would follow me and watch every move I made.
He even called me and threatened me claiming I was with someone else. I was working 70 hours a week trying to pay off debts he did not help me pay. Everything was under my name so I had to work extra hours.
My husband managed to threaten my boss and intimidate him as well. He accused him of cheating on his wife with me and demanded $50,000 from him and if he opposed it, he was going to send photos to his wife.
I messaged him requesting the photos. He then sent me a photo of a girl walking away from a cottage. Looking at the photo looked like something that was cut out of a magazine.
My boss told me he didn’t want any involvement with this and didn’t want this to affect his marriage and family so he fired me. I told him none of this was true and I did report my husband to the police, but the police said my boss had to report this, but he failed to do so. So instead, just to get rid of all this he fired me.
No Proof Against My Ex
I had no proof to prove that I was innocent. He fired me due to berating my work colleagues and stealing money from him which was not true at all and using his credit card for personal use. It was his way to avoid me taking him to court.
In February 2022, he wanted to take me to court. He claimed that I had cheated on him throughout our marriage and he wanted to prove that he was innocent. I went to court a few months later and told the court the truth.
This man’s story was not consistent. He kept telling the court how he was the victim, and he told the judge I was the one who cheated on him and did him wrong. He also told the judge he never beat me. But he lost the case and I won.
I felt sorry for him. How can he just sit there and lie? It was finally over and I had to move on.
Reliving the Abuse
There were moments in my life when I realized the person I loved and trusted had crossed the line when it should never have been crossed. The day when my husband pulled my hair and beat me, something inside me shifted like I was nobody.
It was so painful and confusing for me. Through that pain, I had to learn some of the most important lessons of my life.
The first lesson was my ex husband had no right to touch me without my consent, and that goes for anyone else.
No matter how long we had been married to each other, it was no excuse for violence. All that came at the cost of my dignity, safety, and well-being. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and no one else either. We have control over our lives and it is okay to say NO.
“I also learned that silence can be dangerous.”
I stayed quiet for a very long time. Because I always made excuses for his behavior telling my mother that he was a good person and always defended him. I tried to hold our marriage together even though I knew exactly what he had done was wrong.
Finally, I admitted to myself that was unacceptable and I had to regain my power back. Speaking out is terrifying for me but it was liberating.
This experience taught me self-respect and protecting my boundaries. I never demanded respect for myself which is why he didn’t care. I should have demanded respect for myself and that living in a toxic relationship was not healthy or safe.
“Leaving this toxic marriage was the best decision I ever made.”
I had to choose myself, even if the world would crumble around me.
This journey has helped me discover inner strength and resilience. I never knew I could survive something so shattering but I did. I had to rebuild myself slowly and I knew healing was going to take time. There were days when I cried myself to sleep doubting my ability to move forward but it turned into determination.
The hardest lesson I had to learn was forgiveness. Forgiving is not excusing the behavior, but it is about freeing myself from his grip. I may never forget what he had done to me and I refuse to have him hold me hostage to my thoughts so freeing myself was what had to be done for me.
I hope my story can help others. What I went through was not okay but reaching out to others who may also feel trapped, ashamed, or powerless can help others have their voices and stand up for themselves. If you are in that place, please know this, you are not alone, you are stronger than you think.
Speak Out
Seek help, speak out, and remember that your worth is not determined by how someone else treats you.
Since then, I have not been the same person I was when I was married to my husband. I am grateful for who I am today. I now value peace, love, and respect.
Things are not always perfect. Since my divorce, I never sought help from services, resources, and people.
Because of my husband’s addiction, I was left paying for the damage he caused, both financially and emotionally. He directly put the debt in my name without my consent. I ended up working 70 hours a week for three years.
Because I was unable to continue working these hours I had to file for a consumer proposal so I could just survive and stop drowning in the debt he created. And even now, I’m still paying for it. Every payment is a reminder of the financial abuse I endured and the years I lived in fear.
“As heavy as it sounds, I refuse to let it define me.”
I am rebuilding slowly, steadily, and on my own terms. I am currently in group sessions and trying to get my life back.
For each step I move forward, and every dollar I save, every moment of stability is a victory. He left me with nothing, but I’m creating something for myself. And that is worth more than anything he ever took from me.
For anyone who is going through something similar, always trust your gut.
Abuse isn’t just physical, emotional, mental and financial. Abuse can be just as damaging by trapping you in fear and self-doubt.
If you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells, question your worth and always trust yourself and tell yourself that’s not love, it’s manipulation.
No One Has the Right
No one ever has the right to break you down and make you feel powerless or control your life. Leaving is hard, but staying in a cycle of abuse only takes more from you. Start by recognizing the signs, and reach out for help. Let this remind you that you deserve better.
Seek professional help, and make sure you attend group sessions and find someone you trust. Keeping everything inside you is not healthy. Sharing your problems and experiences will help you heal.
Just remember, healing will take time, but every step you take towards freedom is a huge step towards reclaiming your life. You are stronger than you think, and remember you are not alone.
Check These Resources:
- Complete Guide to Mindful Meditation, and Emotional Healing.
- The Hidden Impact of Teen Dating Violence
- Find Support with BTSADV
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