By Iris Davis Pendelton
Introduction: The Relationships We Don’t Always Talk About
Teen relationships are often romanticized in movies, music, and social media. They are portrayed
as exciting, intense, and full of passion. But sometimes, what feels like love is actually control,
manipulation, and emotional harm.
Unhealthy teen relationships don’t always start with obvious danger. In fact, they often begin
with charm, attention, and experiences that feel magical. That’s why so many young people and
adults looking back struggle to recognize the warning signs until they are deeply entangled.
This is my story, woven with research-based insights, so that others can recognize the signs
earlier than I did.
My Story: Meeting Him at 19
I was 19 when I met him.
He was older than me, confident, and full of stories about his life experiences. I was impressed
by the places he had been, the things he had done, and the way he spoke about the world. I felt
seen and chosen.
Our first date was to the beach, a place I had rarely visited in my childhood. The ocean felt
symbolic: wide, beautiful, and full of possibility. I remember thinking, This is what love must
feel like.
Everything happened quickly. Too quickly.
At the time, I thought the intensity meant passion. I didn’t realize that healthy relationships
unfold slowly, with safety, mutual respect, and emotional security.
Looking back, the red flags were there from the beginning.
What Research Says About Unhealthy Teen Relationships
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 1 in 12 U.S. high
school students experience physical dating violence, and many more experience emotional or
psychological abuse. Emotional abuse is often the most common and the most invisible.
Experts in adolescent development emphasize that unhealthy relationships often include:
Power and control dynamics
Rapid emotional intensity
Isolation from friends and family
Fear of expressing opinions
Jealousy disguised as love
These patterns can shape how teens understand love, boundaries, and self-worth far into
adulthood.
The Red Flags I Didn’t Recognize
- Getting Upset When I Expressed My Opinion
At first, it seemed like passion. When I disagreed with him, he would become irritated or
dismissive. Sometimes he made me feel as though my thoughts were wrong or disrespectful.
Over time, I learned to stay quiet.
Healthy relationships:
Encourage open dialogue
Respect differences in opinions
Allow both partners to feel heard
Unhealthy relationships:
Punish disagreement
Use anger or silence to control
Make one partner feel small for speaking up - Controlling Communication
One day, he demanded to know who I was talking to on my phone. When I refused to explain
myself, he threw my phone across the building.
In that moment, I felt shocked, but also confused. Part of me tried to justify his behavior. I told
myself he was just emotional, just jealous, just afraid of losing me.
But jealousy is not love.
Controlling behaviors, such as checking phones, monitoring messages, or demanding constant
access, can be early predictors of more severe abuse later on. - The Relationship Unfolded Too Fast
He wanted commitment immediately. He spoke about the future early on. He wanted to spend all
of our time together.
I felt special.
But intensity is not intimacy.
Healthy relationships grow gradually. They leave room for individuality, friendships, and
personal growth. When everything moves too fast, it can be a strategy to create emotional
dependence before trust is truly built.
Why Teens Are Especially Vulnerable
Adolescence is a time of identity formation. Teens are learning:
Who they are
What they deserve
How relationships work
Because of this, unhealthy behaviors can easily be mistaken for love, protection, or passion.
Teens may also lack models of healthy relationships or fear being alone, judged, or
misunderstood.
For many, the first relationship becomes the blueprint for future relationships.
The Emotional Impact of Unhealthy Relationships
Unhealthy teen relationships can lead to:
Low self-esteem
Anxiety and depression
Difficulty trusting others
Normalization of harmful behaviors
Loss of identity
I didn’t realize how much of myself I was losing until I looked back years later and asked, When
did I stop recognizing my own voice?
What Healthy Teen Relationships Should Look Like
Healthy relationships are built on:
Mutual respect
Clear boundaries
Honest communication
Emotional safety
Freedom to be yourself
In a healthy relationship, you should never feel afraid to speak, disagree, or exist independently.
A Message to Teens (and the Adults Who Love Them)
If you feel scared, controlled, or silenced in a relationship, your feelings matter.
If someone:
Gets angry when you express your opinions
Tries to control who you talk to or where you go
Moves too fast emotionally
Uses jealousy to justify harmful behavior
Those are not signs of love. They are warnings.
And if you are an adult reading this, remember: teens may not always have the language to
explain what they are experiencing. Creating safe spaces for honest conversations can change the
trajectory of their lives.
From Silence to Awareness
I was 19 when I met him. I thought I had found love. What I found instead was a lesson, one that
taught me the importance of boundaries, self-worth, and slow, safe love.
By sharing stories like mine, we can help teens recognize unhealthy patterns earlier, name what
feels wrong, and believe that they deserve more than intensity. They deserve respect, safety, and
genuine love.
If this story feels familiar, know this: you are not alone, and it is never too early or too late to
choose healthy love. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/drifting-into-adulthood/201805/for-your-teen-4-unhealthy-love-lessons-from-pop-culture
