Survivor Story: Her Husband Held a Gun to Her Head in Front of Their Children

Submitted by: Carla*, Survivor

Each year, one out of every three adolescents experiences some form of abuse at the hand of their partner. Only one third of those teens ever reveal to anyone that they are being abused. Many of these teens go on to marry, putting the victim at greater risk of escalation of violence in the relationship.

Survivor Carla shares how the abuse started in her relationship, how he pressured her into having sex before she was ready, and what happened during her pregnancies. Find out what led up to her leaving and where she is now.  

Carla is a 24-year-old survivor of domestic violence with two children who are four and five years old. When she met her abuser, she was 15 years old, and he was 18. At that age, Carla feels she was vulnerable, trusting, and gullible to anything.

They soon began dating, and everything appeared to be going well at first. Carla attended a private high school where the courses were rigorous, and studying was critical to her completing her regular high school courses and the equivalent of the first year of college by the end of her senior year.

A little over three months into their relationship, Carla lost her virginity to him. He had been pressuring her to sleep with him since their second month of dating. She was adamant that she wanted to remain a virgin, but he was very demanding in the way he asked. Eventually, his sustained pressure worked.

Carla’s boyfriend was regularly abusing drugs and alcohol but hid his addiction from her.

Afterward, things consistently became worse. He moved into a house where all his friends used drugs. Carla said she was naïve and believed that he was not using any drugs despite the crowd he hung out with. She was not used to these types of people in her life.

During the week, it was not uncommon for her to get back to her high school dorm past curfew. When she called him to let him know she got back, he would not answer the phone. He swore each time that he was sleeping and that is why he did not answer. Carla also went over to his house on the weekends.

He began getting jealous and accused Carla of cheating on him with people she knew. She had many friends in high school, but the number of friends she had quickly dwindled to next to nothing after she met him. Slowly but surely, he ripped everyone Carla knew out of her life.

Not long after he started accusing her of cheating, he began choking her behind closed doors. Each time after it happened, he would break down crying and swear that he did not mean it. He told Carla that he hated the person he was and wished to God that she would forgive him because he loved her so much. He would say that he was insecure about the way he looked and just wanted her to love him. She swore to him that she only wanted him, and it was true.

During each of her pregnancies, the abuse temporarily decreased.

He started talking about having a baby. Carla knew it was crazy because she was only 17 years old. She did not understand why the man she was with wanted to have a baby with her at such a young age. Eventually, he convinced her that this was the right decision, and they stopped using protection.

Carla became pregnant, but about four months later, her pregnancy ended in miscarriage. She did not go to a doctor, but she knew the moment it happened. Soon enough, she ended up getting pregnant again. This time, the pregnancy held. She waited to tell her mom until after she turned 18 and had graduated from high school because Carla was afraid that she would be disappointed in her.

During both of her pregnancies, he acted somewhat normal. There was no physical abuse during either pregnancy. After she had their daughter, the abuse resumed and worsened. He informed her that he used drugs and alcohol. Carla felt like at this point in her life, she was too far in, and she loved him too much to leave. She swore to him that she would only be with him and wanted to marry the father of her children.

Throughout all of this, Carla was attending college and had a full-time job working as a manager at a local fast-food restaurant. He, on the other hand, would work a job for two to three months at a time and then quit after something went wrong or he got fired. Somehow, he insisted it was never his fault. There was always an excuse for why he could not continue to work there.

After their son was born, the physical and mental abuse escalated. There were a couple of times that he left the house and did not come home until the next day. One night, Carla had been trying to reach him to see what time he would be home.

He finally stumbled into their apartment around one in the morning, and she confronted him about where he had been. She could smell the stench of alcohol on his breath. He began punching her on the head and in her ribs repeatedly. Carla remembers yelling, thinking that someone would hear her cries for help. No one ever came. After he was done, he stumbled into their bedroom and threatened Carla that he would kill her if she tried to call the police or leave with the baby.

The next day, she was holding their son when she began to cough. She felt one of her ribs pop out of place, and it was the worst pain she ever felt. They rushed to the hospital, and she was screaming in pain the whole way there and thought that it had to be caused by a broken rib.

Carla told the hospital staff that she had coughed and felt something pop, leaving out that the night before he had repeatedly punched her until she felt helpless. The doctors ordered X-rays, and they saw no sign of any breaks when they reviewed the film. Carla felt defeated.

As the abuse escalated, the situation became increasingly dangerous for Carla and the children due to the presence of a firearm in the home.

Each day, Carla felt like she was at war with herself by being with him. He called her horrible names, told her she was lazy and worthless, and said that she was holding him back. Three weeks before they got married, he became angry at Carla for something she said. He grabbed a pistol from their bedroom and held it to her head while she held their daughter. Their son was in the same room. He swore to Carla that he would kill her if she moved or yelled for help. He told her if she ever told anyone about it, he would kill her.

At other times, he would shatter her phones after she found texts from another woman and messages he was trying to hide on his phone. The walls were marked with holes from all the times he got angry. He even shattered the marble table that was in their living room.

However, none of the instances of abuse that occurred during their relationship could compete with what happened one night at the end of 2017. That was the night that Carla thought she was going to lose her life. Their relationship had been nothing but rocky, and all he did was leave her at home with the kids. He was never home but also never employed.

He had told her he was leaving. Carla put the kids in the bathtub and began running the water. Suddenly, a piece to the bathtub broke off, and she called him because she could not turn off the water.

He came home and started trying to fix it. After only a few minutes, he got angry and began hitting the faucet with a wrench while the children were still in the bathtub. Carla told the children to get out and told him that they were going to leave for a while to give him time to calm down.

The kids were crying because of how their father was acting. Carla again repeated that they were leaving. He said, “No, b****, you’re not.” He took her by the hair of the head and dragged her across the hall to their bedroom. He started repeatedly punching her in the stomach and the head. Their kids were watching the entire time, screaming in fear.

One of his friends was also there at the time, and Carla asked his friend for a phone. He had broken her personal phone earlier that day in a rage, and she only had her phone for work to call the police. His friend said he did not know where it was and simply walked back in the other room while her husband continued hitting her.

Carla screamed, asking him not to do this in front of their children. He yelled back that she was making it worse, dragged her to the floor, and began punching her again in the head. She remembers her daughter and son standing over her, feeling helpless as they watched their daddy hit their mom.

Somehow, her mother-in-law got called, and she showed up at the apartment with her sister. Carla begged both of them for a phone to contact law enforcement. No one ever gave her a phone. They promised her that he would leave. Carla began gathering her belongings, remembering the entire time that he said if she left him, he would kill her. She never felt so helpless.

They said they would take the kids so she could calm down and went as far to tell Carla that she was overreacting. This man, the man who was supposed to love and protect her always, beat her in front of their children, and she was in disbelief that they said that to her. Carla told her mother-in-law and her sister that she was not allowing them to take the children. She agreed that it was okay for him to leave, but she was done, and he needed to move out. Carla was never able to find her phone.

After asking her husband to leave the home, he returned and ending up threatening her life with a gun.

She felt him crawl back into bed in the middle of the night with the smell of alcohol on his breath. Carla told him he needed to leave, and she thought that was what he did. To her surprise, she woke up the next morning to find him on her couch. He apologized, and Carla told him that he went too far, and he could not stay.

Carla had increasingly distanced herself from him, knowing in her heart that she was done. She could not be with a man that could not respect his wife or his children. That December day, Carla changed her life forever.

She came home to see the kids for a few minutes on a work break. As usual, he was not working. He told Carla that she was not coming in and should leave. She went inside anyway, and he began calling her names in front of his friend who was sitting on the couch. He told her again to leave and went back into their bedroom. She heard him cock the gun as he stated that he would just shoot her if refused to leave. She gathered the kids and put them in the car. Carla was not able to get anything out of the apartment, and she never went back.

“I filed for divorce that month and filed for a protective order against him to protect myself and our children. The children were later dropped from the protective orders in court. At this time, he has supervised visitation with his mom – the same person that would not help me despite knowing this was happening our entire relationship. As for me, I bought my own home, and my children are healthy. This is what matters.”

*Survivor’s name has been changed to protect her identity.

**If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org, chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777, or send a private message through our Facebook page.

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