Breaking the Silence: Living with a Partner with PMDD

It took about 8 years after our first born to realize my wife was in a cycle. Throughout the humps of marriage that are typical, various reactions have taken place to things that have seemingly similar levels of stress. It started to became apparent, however, that the cycles were there once I realized that the worst days of our lives followed the best days. 180 degrees is the only way to describe it. For 8 years, possibly longer (I’ve been married 11 years), I have been treated as the one who was terrible, and there were times I definitely was, but more so, I felt that I was the one who was crazy because I did have my own major depression and dysthymia. After years of therapy, including intensive outpatient therapy, I realized I wasn’t crazy for the first time. I started developing boundaries, and I started to step outside the hamster wheel. Undiagnosed, my wife has PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). I have been hit. I have a scar on my face (the only scar) I don’t talk about except with those who were there when it happened. I have had the darkest parts of my past used against me. I have had my children and everything I have worked hard for in my 32 years used against me. I have been ostracized from friends and family. I almost get divorced by my wife once a month. I do not live in the same state as my family, but within the last 3 years, my mother, father, and best friend have witnessed what happens: the 180. My wife goes into PMDD with baggage from her past that is thus projected onto me, and nothing is held back, not even in front of our kids at times. She has has hit me in front of our kids. She has cursed me in front of our kids. She has said things to me about her ex husband in sexual ways within earshot of our kids. I have self-harmed myself during these cycles, and she has taped me to show to others. Even outside of her PMDD, she keeps these on her phone. She gaslights me to attempt to get me and others to think otherwise about my actions, and does not give context to anything. I researched PMDD and domestic abuse, and apparently the person with PMDD is the only victim. No research is done for spouses and children who are harmed during these cycles, but there is more research about how there is baggage carried by the person with PMDD. Now, not all women suffer it the way my wife does. Not all spouses and children are exposed the way me and my children are to PMDD. I have a lot of mistakes in life, but I am also a relatively successful middle class male who loves his family, and I face my own sins as all of us do. I write this as I experience the cycle currently.