Written and adapted by: Amy, BTSADV Volunteer
Commonly misjudged as a trivial matter, verbal and emotional abuse are perhaps two of the most used tools in the abuser’s arsenal. It is not difficult to think non-physical abuse is not all that serious, because there are no visible wounds left behind when abusers use these tactics. This is problematic, even dangerous, because in general – except for more severe injuries – the wounds physical abuse leaves on our bodies heal, even if they leave behind some scarring. Meanwhile, emotional trauma slowly corrodes and compromises the integrity of our well-being like acid on the inside where no one can see it happening.
Even though we feel the pain of non-physical abuse, outsiders can dismiss or deny its profoundly scarring effects on our hearts and psyche because they can’t see the damage. Denial and dismissal of the severity of verbal and emotional abuse by others can influence victims and survivors to shy away from seeking help from mental health professionals. The inability to acknowledge that it is a common weapon used in abusive relationships contributes to a host of mental health conditions.
Another tool used by abusers that few recognize as abusive is forced sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation is a hybrid of emotional and physical abuse. Not only are there profound emotional effects on the victim when sleep deprivation is used, but there are also dangerous physical effects as well. Information above and beyond surface references made by domestic violence agencies about forced sleep deprivation in the context of intimate partner can be hard to find.
I wanted to talk about the impact of verbal and emotional abuse when combined with forced sleep deprivation because it is often the “invisible” aspects of domestic violence that are the most damaging and hardest to heal. Too many believe that these invisible methods of abuse are of little consequence because physical abuse proves an undeniable danger to any victim who finds themselves on the receiving end. So, what, then, makes them so dangerous? Let us first look at how it unfolds.
The abuser moves in strong and fast to shower us with ‘love’ and attention. Referred to as ‘love-bombing’ during the binding phase, this is a tactic used by the abuser to manufacture an appearance of appreciation, respect, and love.
They fill our emotional needs and demonstrate almost overzealous support of us. Initially, our independence, intelligence, and other positive qualities are things they like most. As we are unaware, they devour our emotional core on a reconnaissance mission disguised as genuine interest to get to know who we are.
With reckless abandon, they seek our past hurts, fears, and disappointments, our secrets, shame, and failures. Why? Because they ‘care’ about us. Because they want to know everything about us. Because, they claim, they are in awe of our strength.
They even engage in quid-pro-quo, sharing past hurts and disappointments, mistakes, and shame because they know this helps pull us in. Because we view this as refreshing – this vulnerability that perhaps past partners did not share – and we feel honored that they would trust us with this information. We continue to share more, revealing a wealth of information they will soon use against us. By then, we have already become ensnared in their trap.
Verbal abuse is initially used on its own to condition us to small amounts of negativity without alerting us that something is going wrong. Initially, it can be misinterpreted as an isolated incident because the behavior has not yet been normalized in the relationship. The abuser may snap at us and then apologize by saying they are just stressed, frustrated, tired, or having a bad day.
It is easy to miss because do we not all have those days occasionally? And up until now, they have been attentive, caring, and loving while they attempt to sweep us off our feet. They have – sometimes passionately – stood up for us, providing backup when needed, and all the while, we are unaware that we are being primed.
Once the abuser feels they have successfully desensitized us, the verbal abuse takes a dark turn, often becoming overt and cruel. As it escalates, their language shifts to ambiguity that is often missed early on. What was initially offered up as a compliment now becomes a suggestion that we do the opposite – always with a ‘kind’ reason – or questioning why we do not do what they ‘suggested’ we do before.
“You look so good with short hair!” becomes, “I thought I told I don’t like long hair.” Before we know it, the “I thought I said…” statements turn into “You know I don’t like that, you must be doing that for someone else.” We begin to feel self-conscious, perhaps unreasonable, or as though we are not sensitive to their needs, so we begin to adapt our behavior.
In the early stages of emotional abuse, although we generally remain unaware that their actions are manipulative, we still feel intuitively that something is going wrong. Instead of questioning our partner’s behavior, however, we begin to question ours. This is a result of carefully manipulated gaslighting.
During the early stage of emotional abuse, we may think that we did something to upset them because we have not seen this side of them before. Initially, we alter our behavior without necessarily assuming the burden of fault. Many of us do this when we recognize our actions unintentionally offending or hurting someone. We alter our behavior out of sensitivity to them because we want them to know we care about the way we treat them.
Eventually, it moves beyond showing respect for someone’s feelings, and self-blame slowly sets in. We will reach a point when we begin to tell ourselves that their adverse reaction – anger, hurt, offense – is wholly our fault. The difference between this may seem small or insignificant, but it is really not. It is imperative to understand that the divide between them is expansive. The former one is healthy, and the latter is not.
Abusers sense when we start to blame ourselves for how they treat us, and they escalate the verbal and emotional abuse into insidiously destructive, cruel acts that are an assault upon our emotional well-being. We start out independent and confident and soon descend into a battle that we are not equipped for. More than merely losing those qualities, they are ripped away from us and replaced with self-loathing and shame. Abusers must change how we feel about ourselves, because positive self-image is a direct and immediate threat to their ability to assume control, and the abuser seeks to liquidate them at all costs.
Yes, they know they are breaking us; it helps them gain control. Once we have been conditioned, it makes it difficult to leave. When we question them about the way they are treating us, they will push back and quash our attempt to stand up for ourselves. Every time we try, they are waiting with the appropriate responses to throw us into confusion.
“I can’t believe you’re accusing me of doing that! Have I ever done anything to hurt you? Who was the one who was there for you when everyone else turned away?! Who helped you then? And now you stand there and accuse me of hurting you? I would NEVER do anything to hurt you. What’s wrong with you? How could you treat me like this after everything I do for you?”
By the end, where we were once so sure that we were being mistreated, we now accuse ourselves of being unreasonable or insensitive. We reason that we must have done something wrong, and then we feel a twinge well up in our stomachs admonishing us to shrink back in silence. Where did this come from? This self-awareness? This self-doubt? This…. shame. This feeling of being ‘the bad person.’
Once the abuser is aware that the seed of shame has been planted, they know they have purchased our silence. Expect escalation; just how severe this becomes varies from person to person. No two abusers move through the methods of abuse in the same way, although they do all employ the same general tools. The tools themselves are all textbook. The level of devastation they wreak, however, is not.
That person who loved and respected us our intelligence, character, strength, independence, and beauty now says how much they despise us, that we are disgusting, stubborn, and selfish. The names we are called are countless. Their verbal venom becomes intricately entwined in veiled threats of harm – both verbal and physical – and we begin to walk across the eggshells desperately trying not to break or crack them under the weight of our shame and worthlessness that now swirls about in our heads.
Our self-confidence and value for ourselves are replaced with self-loathing, and we are conditioned to believe that all the hurtful things said to us are true. Soon we reach the point where we become resigned to being at fault. Even as we try desperately to change ourselves to be a better partner, we can never do or say anything right. That is deliberate, being sucked in the cycle of chasing futility so that we can be of worth again to them again. At this point, leaving will become a battle. We are wholly invested and caught up in the entanglement of loving someone who is doing everything they can to break us so we will stay and take it without a fight. They plunder us until we have surrendered control.
There is no greater pain than to feel yourself die while you are still alive. Hope fades away, carrying with it our self-worth, respect, and dignity. Abusers will not allow us the peace to mourn the loss of our emotional life or identity. There is no peace. And often, as was the case for me, when there is no life, hope, or peace in sight, we can start to think that being dead would not be so bad. Perhaps, as was the case for me, we may act on it.
The risks of self-harm, depression, and attempted suicide are but a few of the dangers of systemic emotional abuse. It also impacts pre-existing relationships – family, friends, co-workers – by dissociating from our emotional connections. We become just as much of a stranger to them as we are to ourselves. It does not always stop at strain but can also destroy those relationships. They may feel slighted, as though we do not care about them, and unable to understand our situation, they may turn away.
It also hurts our prospects of forming new relationships. If we cannot maintain relationships we already had, how can we expect to put ourselves out there, baring our vulnerability and daring to extend trust to strangers when the person who was closest to us – the one person on earth whom we should have been able to trust to keep us safe, love, and respect us – decided to shatter us?
It causes us to shrink back from life in an attempt to protect ourselves from further hurt. Our lives can become a pattern of going through the motions. Opportunities pass, we decline others. Why? We fear for our safety and everything that comes with it: judgment, criticism, not meeting expectations, possible humiliation, shame, and even punishment.
Abuse is difficult enough to survive when enduring the above. In parts two and three, we will look at forced sleep deprivation as a tool of abuse and what happens when the two are combined.
*This series has been adapted by the author from a series that appeared originally on her personal blog.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org or chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777.
