“I’m Breaking My Silence” to help others heal and hopefully to advocate for domestic violence laws to be reformed. Big warning this could cause triggers.
My story is a little different because 75% of our abuse was mental. When it was physical he was really good at not leaving bruises where they couldn’t be covered. For 15 years I stayed, even though the signs were there from the start. Luckily he is not the father of my children but when I say “we” it refers to the 3 of us, my son, daughter and myself. We always endured being told that everything we did was wrong and he controlled our actions. If I didn’t answer my phone at work, I was cheating on him. I worked for the department of human services, I couldn’t always answer because I had clients, my case load was over 500 cases, I stayed busy to say the least. I cooked wrong, cleaned wrong, said the wrong thing, any excuse for a fight was what he wanted. We lived on eggshells and never knew what we were going to get at home nightly. He is an alcoholic and depending on what he drank dictated how bad the fight would be and if we were going to be bruised or not. I learned a lot after he was gone about what my kids endured when I was at work and can’t forgive myself. When the kids were in school, he would drive around the school to be sure they weren’t doing anything he didn’t approve of. It makes it sound like I had bad kids, they never got in trouble at school for anything and are good people now that they are adults. They both suffer from night terrors nightly, and PTSD, I take the easy way out and take prescribed medication so I don’t remember my dreams, they’re just to much for me to endure. Not sleeping is not a good option for me.
He liked to throw things at/on top of us, he really liked to break things especially glass, he preferred car glass to break if I tried to leave or if we weren’t behaving by his rules. If I went to get groceries I would have to bring the receipt home so he knew the time matched and I came straight home. After so many years this behavior became our “normal” and we auto adjusted to please him.
He suffered a back injury that he got while drunk, but had surgery and became addicted to Valium, Percocet and Xanax, every month he would get his pills and take them all over a few days except for a few to pass the monthly drug test which was required to get more pills. He was crazier when he was on all the pills and had to detox when they were gone. He kicked my daughter out of the house senior year, which was devastating to me, two months before she graduated and three months before the incident happened.
The final “incident” (I don’t know why we call it that but we do), my daughter was not present which was a blessing in disguise. He dropped me off at work at 7:30 am he was to pick me up around 3:00 pm for a root canal appointment 45 minutes away. All day I got calls that my son wouldn’t do what he said and he was in big trouble. It took me minutes after being picked up to realize that he was doped up out of his mind. When I demanded to drive, he started walking home, I knew this would not go well for my son at home so I convinced him to get back in the car. After my appointment, on the drive home all he did was tell me how bad my son is and how much trouble he was in. Before I could park the car he was screaming at my son, and so the “incident” started.
Our world unraveled in 90 minutes. He was in the yard screaming at my son, I asked them to go in the house our neighbors hear enough. He continued to yell and threaten, he demanded that I make him a cup of coffee, so I took it outside to him, he took 2 sips and proceeded to throw the hot coffee on my son. I told my son to get in the house, because he was chasing us down I locked him out trying to get us safe. He grabbed and started the chainsaw and I had my son unlock the door because honestly I couldn’t afford a new one and I thought he would stop, I was mistaken and he came after my son with the chainsaw, he didn’t connect, thank goodness. Once he put the chainsaw down, in the time it took me to use the restroom he had my son against the wall choking him, I got between them and took my son to my bedroom and locked the door, he immediately busted through the door and grabbed my pistol that was by the bed, he ran into the bathroom and held the door shut. I pushed into the bathroom and he was holding the gun to his head, once he saw me he put it under his chin, I shut the door because I didn’t want my son to see if he shot himself. The gun was fired and I told my son to stay in the living room. It felt like he was against the bottom of the door but I got it open, he was on the floor gargling but it took me a second to realize he was pretending to have shot himself there was no blood anywhere. I grabbed the gun dropped the clip and cleared it, I put it in my purse and told my son to get in the car. I got in the driver’s side shut the door and saw the baseball bat hit the windshield after numerous hits, more than 15, it wouldn’t shatter due to being safety glass, when it wouldn’t shatter in on me, he resorted to the side window, I still have glass in my back because of all the shattered glass. I told my son to run to the neighbors across the street, I ran and hid behind a tree to call 911, after a few rings I checked that I really dialed 911, I found out later that I was the 4th call about my house. The dispatcher instructed me to go to where my son was and stay on the phone with her. All I could say was don’t kill my dogs who were in my yard. I watched more officers from numerous agencies descend on my house, I didn’t know there were that many officers in our county/city. They were in full gear with guns drawn when they surrounded my home. He had enough time to call his mommy (probably for bail) hide his pills and a rifle before he surrendered to the officers and was taken away. He always said he would go suicide by cop, if anything happened, I admit I was relieved that it didn’t go down that way, for many reasons. He was livid when he found out they didn’t bring me in too. He said he was being abused by me, he was delusional and on many pills.
My story doesn’t end here because the legal system is a joke. Original charges were 6 felonies and 6 misdemeanors, they decided not to charge him with attempted murder on a child but were considered it initially. This got dropped to 2 misdemeanors, what? Only 2 misdemeanors that can’t be right but it was. The judge sentenced him to 2 years probation. From this point things were a disaster, I lost everything including my job, my house and became homeless, my son stayed with family and it was brutal being away from my son, for both of us. Yes, department of human services fired me for taking family medical leave for treatment for myself and my son due to domestic violence but they had no issues requiring us to go through an investigation post incident. Due to a confidential legal issue, I couldn’t discuss this part until now.
My divorce let me know just how messed up our legal system is, which is why I am Breaking My Silence. The laws between criminal and civil cases are severely lacking. The court system allowed him to control me for an additional 2 years, regardless of the restraining orders. I don’t feel this is the right time to elaborate on this but am hopeful that someone reads this who can help put me in touch with congress or senate members and legal teams to get these laws changed.
We will never stop being aware of our surroundings, looking over our shoulders, even though we no longer live in my home state, partly because of him.
We suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD, my son and I both have a few long term physical injuries but it could have been a lot worse. I suffer from severe guilt for what I allow my kids to go through and I know with out a doubt there are things they will never tell me.
I was lucky and had 2 women who saved our lives that night. The lead officer was amazing and I wish I could find her and tell her she saved us, my advocate that night, I believe is watching from heaven knowing I kept my promise to her, not to be the third victim whose funeral she attended.
We are alive and are survivors. I am lucky to see both of my kids daily even though they are now adults and seeing my granddaughter keeps me going and is the best gift we have. I’m proud to say that even though he walks around free in society, he will NEVER see my granddaughter.
We survived and I can finally Break My Silence and tell my story, there is always a way out even though we may not always see it, the tunnel is long and dark, push through and find the light at the end of it, be stronger than I was and get out before it gets worse.
