My Story – Anna P

My story has started as a dream. Switzerland has just released a three-months lockdown, which I spent connecting with close friends and doing sports. I was in shape mentally and physically as never before. I felt like I was on the top of the world. Strong, beautiful, empowered, young and happy woman. ANd I have decided that it is time to stop being single, and share all the happyness with him.
We met on Tinder in Luasanne in June. He was my first online date ever. He was “a little bit late”, which made me wait 45 minutes. Why on Erath? I should have walked away that night and never see him. When he entered that bar, so handsome and charismatic I knew I was lost into his eyes from the first seconds. With the tips of ma hairs I knew, this was HIM.
It all has tsarted so quickly, like a tornado, smashing all pieces of my previous life taking me into a whirlpool of love and affection. Second and the third dates were alsmost immediately one after anohter, and after the third date we have shared every single night together for the next many months. He was giving me presents, surrounding me with so much beauty, taking me to the most beautiful corners of Italy. I felt like a queen, I felt like finally it all made sense, finally I was about to get what I have deserved and dreamed about my entire life.
Then one night he didnt come, his phone was off till morning. He fell asleep immediately after work…
Then weeks later again. He was with a friend.
When this has happened once again, I have just jumbed in the car and went to his home. He was home alone, with phone off, chilling. Was happy to see me.
I thought I was getting crazy. I started being jellaus, suspicious like never before. I would start crying for no reason.
In February I was nervously searching for a good online therapist. What is wrong with me? Is it my career change? Am I anxious because of my “complicated” communicatoin with my mother? Am I scarred to commit and serious relationship make me crazy? I was determined to fix my crazyness.
In April he was travelling for one month, he didnt want me to go with him, because it was “an important job trip”. With my new therapist I was working so hard on letting him go, on trusting, on not being jelaous, on not being the crazy one.
The night he was leaving, he was at my place. I gave him a present. A new travel bag. To show my support. To show my trust. When I have offered to help him transfering clothes to a new bag, but he has pushed me away! What is going on? What is in your bag?
Sex toys. Our sex toys were going with him to his “important work trip”, and I was not joining.
I WAS NOT CRAZY! All along it was my intuition! I am not jelaous. He IS a jerk!
I was so hurt. I could not move. He was crying appologyzing. And I felt dead inside. He was swering on helath of his mother. He coerced me to have sex with him and left on a few hours.
I was dead inside for weeks. My flatmate was feeding me with spoon every day. I had no motivation to be alive anymore.
Weeks later I moved to another city. To start a new life. May In Zurich was still cold and rainy. I was alone in a new appartment, with unpacked boxes and hungry cat. I did not know anyone. I was still broken, but I have started rebuilding myself piece by piece. I met new friends, I got new hobbies. I was making 4 hours of studying French every day, excersiing again, going out every night.
He didnt let too much time to pass. He has started calling me every day. Saying how much mistaken he was, how precious I was, how much he has loved me. And I have loved him still. Despide the pain, my feelings were so strong.
In July He has moved with me in. We actually started building a life together.
I have quickly found a job, he did not have one for another almost two years.
He kept taking me for travels. I was coming home from work, and my bag was already packed for a “surprise trip”. I had no idea where we were going. I was arranging at my work to stay remote for the next week while sitting in a car. We would come to a place, he would unpack my close, choose my outfit for tonight, take me to already booked restaurant. It was easy and beautiful. Apart from work, the only think that was expected from me, was to be his baby-doll, his bitch, just obey and enjoy. It WAS easy and beautiful, and I DID enjoy it. However, it was so often and so unpredictabel, I could not build a career, I could not see my friends. He has never forbid me. He was just “trying so hard” to make my life beautiful.
Guess who was paying for this beautiful life?
I was so exhosted. I could not do it anymore. Never having a stable home, always needing to arrange a cat, work. I did not have time to do any sports anymore. I was doint LITERALLY nothing, but I didnt have time to even brush my hairs.
The only boudaries I had at that time was job and therapy. These were untouchable absolutely things. ANd I am still grateful I could protect the basic essentials. I have no idea if I would be writing this text today otherwise.
One day, I have understood I cannot do it anymore. We live like gypsies. There is npthing to ground to, I feel like I am rotating uncontrollably in a free fall.
And I saif enough. Either we go bak to Zurich and settle down for longer time or I leave. Of course he got offended that I do not appreciate him. But I could not do these travels anymore and work every day. I cannot live permanently in hotels. It exhosts me, it exhosted all my savings.
From October we were back. I have rented a long term place. A bit out of city, but now I could go to work, and get some piece.
He was at home. Playing videogames every day. Being depressed. Being grumpy. Getting overweight to scary sizes.
I was not happy. I could not leave him. How can I leave my man, when he needs my support the most?
I was listening to his big business ideas with so much interest, I didnt need to fake it. I have believed in him. Weeks later if I ask about one of ideas or if he was going to do anything, he would start screaming and blaming me that I have not done anything to contribute to his idea. He wanted I quit my job and help him. He had so much potential, indeed. But my job was out of question. I wish I was able to protect my other boundaries as well.
When he pushed me for example, and I hit my back. And he said it was my fault. When he was watching girls on Instagram and sending them messages. When he was screaming at me. When he was making me feel crazy.
My therapy has narrowed down to one single message that my therapist was trying to bring me every single week: Anna, you are normal, your reactions are normal. What is going on between you – is not. I could not hear it. My manipulator was a stronger psych than my therapist.
End of February has happened the worst day of my life. My family was under attack of russian missles. I cannot even right about this period. The moment when I was the weakest, the most vulnerable, and needed his support like never before, he was the most brutal and heartless being. Emotuinal, psychological, sexual, physical abuse. I have experienced them all.
The night he bit me up for asking to remove his phone and hug me, I was… I was so numb. It felt like I was on the bottom of a deep dark well. It is crazy to udmit, to explain or to understand by myself, but that night I was the most attached to him. Because after years of isolation, he was the only one to whom I could go when I am hurt. So I have pulled myself up and went into sleeping arms, of the same person that bit me up.
I had no emotional power back then to leave. I have stayed. But I got a plan. I knew I will leave one day. I will just wait untill I have more energy.
Today, it has been two months since I am zero-contact with him. Huge help was coming from Instagram creators, that are spreading awareness about narcissistic personality disorder.
I am still a wreck, but I am out!
I am a survivir of a narcissistic abuse.