My Love After Abuse Story
I entered the abusive relationship as a 19-year-old college student and exited as a middle-aged woman. In the aftermath of it all, I realized I had spent almost half of my life accepting daily verbal, financial, and emotional abuse mixed in with intermittent physical abuse.
I never intended to stay so long. For years I wanted to leave but I feared what was on the other side. My self-worth was negatively distorted after so many years of abuse. I had spent so much of my life letting him convince me that something was wrong with me. He frequently reminded me that he was doing me a favor by being with me. He laughed at me as he told me how hideous I was and that no one would ever want me. His assessment of my worth aligned with the internal picture of myself that had been painted by my low self-esteem. This coupled with all of the abuse kept me stuck.
I stayed for years believing that relationship, was the best “love” life would have to offer me.
Going to a counseling visit before I ever left the relationship changed my perspective. When I went to my first counseling visit at the local domestic violence shelter, the counselor encouraged me to write down the characteristics of my ideal relationship partner. I remember feeling skeptical as I wrote the list. Some of the words on my list included: kindness, patience, gentle tones, no abuse, loves God, loves me and my children. I kept this list in my journal and often looked at it when I needed hope for a better future. So even before I left the abusive relationship, I was empowered to start dreaming about what a healthy relationship could look like. I based my dreams on what I had seen in other relationships and what I read about love in the Bible. I regularly referenced the list I wrote at that first counseling visit. Although at the time I couldn’t imagine myself in the kind of relationship I wanted, I still dreamed.
After nearly 19 years of abuse, the relationship ended violently, almost costing me my life. On the day I left, I found myself looking up at him with his hands wrapped firmly around my neck. As I struggled to breathe my children watched wide-eyed in fear unable to move. At that moment, I felt something inside of me say “Now you can leave.” That day I left with my children and my life.
Day by day I prayed and began to build a safe, peaceful environment for me and my children to live in. I continued going to counseling weekly. I prayed to God each day for healing. I also did some deep self-reflection about the experience I had lived through. During that time I also learned to love myself.
I met my husband nearly a year after leaving the abusive relationship. We originally connected on Facebook. For weeks we sent each other voice memo messages, text messages, and videos. Something about his voice put me at ease and gave me a sense of calm. Through these messages, we started getting to know each other. After about 3 weeks of consistent message exchanges, we had our first live phone call. I was happy to see that our conversation flowed well. Nearly 2 months after our first text messages we went out on our first date and met each other for the first time in person. I noticed that I felt so relaxed around him and was relieved I could just be myself. After that date, we began spending time together every weekend. With each passing week, we began to spend more and more time together. Being in his presence reassured me that he was safe. I felt an overwhelming sense of calm when I was in his presence. Although my mind didn’t want to believe it, my heart knew early on that he was going to be my husband. Memories of the abuse from my past tried to create fear and worry in me. To combat these feelings I kept praying and focused on the fact that he treated me well, respected me, protected me, made me feel safe, and loved me.
We got married on February 22, 2022, and just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. He is still the same kind, gentle, respectful, loving man I met in the beginning. We don’t argue and any disagreements that occur are loving, kind, and respectful. His patient and consistent way of loving me is the same now as it was at the beginning of our relationship. He is everything I hoped for in a healthy relationship. He is everything I put on my list years ago. I’m so happy I faced my fears and met my love after. ♥️ ♥️
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