Survivor Story: I Know Why Women Stay

Written by: Brandon, friend of a survivor

Victims of domestic violence face many barriers to leaving their abusers, including financial controls, manipulation, coercion, intimidation, isolation, physical punishment, and conditioning resulting from verbal and emotional abuse. Brandon, who has experiences with verbal, emotional, and mental abuse in his own life, shares a painfully profound story of supporting his friend as she leaves her abuser – a man he once considered a friend – and acquires a deeper understanding of why it is so hard to leave.

“I know why women stay,” my friend said to me as we talked about her soon-to-be-ex attacking her and having to face him at court the following day.

This is what she said after enduring three years of gaslighting and extreme financial abuse. She made more money but was not allowed to use a credit card because she could not be trusted, but, of course, he could. She was only allowed to have a debit card, and he would religiously audit her purchases to monitor how much she was spending. While she faced these tight financial controls, he hid tens of thousands of dollars from her.

He also verbally and emotionally abused her, mocked her, and made jokes that were not really jokes. Soon, he found another woman and began texting her about his fantasies. He was eventually let go from his employer for harassing women.

“I know why women stay,” is what she said after her third marriage to such a guy. Of course, in the beginning, he was charming, perfect for her kids, and focused on her – completely different from the other two before him. That changed just three weeks into their marriage.

This is what she said after he yet again tried to use his body to block her from getting somewhere, after he pushed her daughter for standing up for her mom, and after years of being called vile names.

These were her words after he shoved her yet again after he lunged at her and grabbed her throat. The only reason he did not have a strangulation charge is that she fought him off and did not pass out.

She was reminded that this is how it was after his father called her, asking her to drop the whole thing and reasoning with her that they “both had done things wrong.” This was after he continued to threaten her and intimidate her even in her new place and violated the protection order, not in significant ways, but just enough to show that he was still in control and could not be caught.

After his friend left her abuser, Brandon, who at one point had been friends with him, accompanied her to court and witnessed firsthand how his presence affected her.

On a Thursday he had his first appearance in court. His lawyer argued for a deferred judgment, which means as long as he fulfills the requirements set forth, the charges are dropped after a year. The District Attorney said this was wholly inappropriate based on the facts of the case, and his lawyer immediately moved for trial, thinking they had the leverage.

As Brandon watched him in the courtroom, he, someone whom Brandon used to call ‘friend,’ through his smug gestures and eye rolls mocked the four people that came to the courtroom to support their friend, a woman he literally tried to kill.

As they left the courtroom, he mockingly waved to them, showing the world, at least in his estimation, that he is the bigger man, that this is no big deal.

Brandon has dealt with verbal, emotional, and mental abuse in his own life. He knows how insidious it is and how hard it can be to spot. How many times you second guess yourself for setting boundaries because they try to make you feel ridiculous for doing so. He has talked with and coached dozens of others in similar situations.

Even with that, it took that Thursday’s experience to really see it.

To see just how disconnected from reality someone who tried to kill someone else can be, how they can play it off as no big deal, that both parties shoulder the blame, and she set him off.

To see how painful it was for his friend to even be in the same room with the man who put his hands around her throat, to hear about his threats, to know of what he is capable, to understand just how strong his gaslighting is.

Following the court proceedings, Brandon came away with a deeper understanding of all the barriers and risks women face.

“I know why women stay. This is what I now better understand after court that Thursday.

“They’re afraid of the man and believe the devil they know is better than the devil they don’t know (what he’ll do if she leaves and he, therefore, has lost control of her, how he’ll completely lose it).

“They’re afraid nobody will believe them because the abuser is so charming and is convinced they did nothing wrong.

“They’re afraid the courts won’t and can’t protect them. They’re afraid that maybe they are in the wrong and he’s right.

“They’re afraid of reliving the nightmare and him finding a way to make it worse like he always does. They’re worried about their children who get dragged into these things.

“Most of all, they’re worried that the constant torment and abuse they’ve lived in will get worse. And they’re worried about that because he’s always found a way to make it so.

“I know why women stay, but I also know why women get out. And I’m so glad my friend is doing just that. We’ll be right here to support her the whole way through.”

*This post was adapted and shared with the writer’s permission.

**If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org, chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777, or send a private message through our Facebook page.

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