Why Fathers Should Be Vulnerable with Their Children: A Story of Healing and Unconditional Love

As Father’s Day passes, people are bound to have different feelings about the
holiday. Perhaps they had a wonderful relationship, or they were distant from their father, or
maybe their father hurt them as they grew up. Possibly, they are now becoming a father
themselves, changing the dynamic. This holiday can either be filled with such joy or dread
depending on our individual experiences.
The holiday had me thinking about father and child relationships portrayed on screen, and
how it influences our culture. “Baby Reindeer,” a newer miniseries on Netflix, retells the story of
Richard Gadd’s trauma through a character named “Donny.” For those who have not seen the
series, it mainly focuses on his intense stalker “Martha,” but it later details his earlier
experience of being groomed and subsequently raped by a man who promised him success in the
comedic world. Toward the end of the show, he has a public breakdown as he succumbs to his
post-traumatic stress. He realizes that once his breakdown has been filmed and released online,
he must explain to his parents what happened although he carries such (unneeded) shame about
it.
While the show’s focus is not on the father and son experience, it has an implicit
importance in his journey. The scene in which he confesses all that he has gone through with his
parents brought tears to my eyes, an infrequent occurrence for me while I watched video content. It
made me reflect on parenthood, a new journey for myself and my husband, as well as what being
a father should be like. When he is vulnerable with his parents, they return it as they share with
him that his father had been abused by a Catholic priest when he served as an altar boy. In this
vulnerability shared by father and son, they begin healing together. His posture changes and
his muscles are no longer tense as he recognizes the unconditional love a parent can provide their
child with. It epitomizes the reason why we should be vulnerable with our children; we need to
be open with them so they feel comfortable coming to us when they need us most.
And so, to the men who are fathers, I have a request for you: be vulnerable with your
children. As men, you are too commonly taught to shutter your emotions in a cycle of toxic
masculinity. Boys are often taught from a young age that they shouldn’t cry and that they should
be “tough.” Being a man that your children can come to and express their emotions, being
a man that can cry with them and heal with them, is more important than maintaining a strong
exterior appearance. Being vulnerable is being strong. It takes real courage to open yourself up
and explore the parts of your life you perhaps wish hadn’t happened or to share how much you
love another person. Making yourself emotionally available will have profound effects on
yourself and your loved ones.