Life After Being Lost:
I never thought the day would come where I decided to leave, to stop giving someone else control over my life. I thought for sure that I would end up dead before I ever found the courage to walk away from the evil I was dealing with. The mental, emotional, financial and severely physical abuse would take me from this world before I ever got the chance to reclaim my freedom. I made it out though, and it has been over a year since making the decision to never go back. The 22nd of this month will be a year since I made the decision to testify against my abuser and seek justice for myself and my children. I remember what it felt like to tell myself “I’m going to be able to make decisions for myself again, and not be told what to do.” I remember thinking “Oh my gosh I’m going to be able to see my family and friends again whenever I want because nobody will be telling me otherwise.” I remember thinking to myself “This is it, I’m going to find myself again after being lost for so long.” What I don’t remember thinking about was how hard even the smallest things were going to be for me to do. I didn’t give much thought to the fact that because my abuser made all of my decisions for me for over 2 years, I was no longer familiar with who I was anymore. I was LOST. My family and friends would say we are here for you, and you’re not a different person you just have to get back to where you were before he destroyed you. But you see that’s the thing about life after Trauma…you are different. I was different and I still am because I was made to think and see life in a way I never would have if not for the abuse. I have slowly started living after being lost for what seems like an eternity, but not without change. I think more, more than any rational person would. I cry more, sometimes happy tears but a lot of the time because I miss parts of who I was before all the abuse. The biggest thing of all is I question life more than I ever thought imaginable and after being lost for so long, I’m at a point where I just want to live and feel the freedom I yearned for when I left my abuser. There is life after being lost, and sometimes it just takes time to get your life back.
