It has been almost 11 years and I still have nightmares and rage blackouts. I lived through a hell most people would not understand. I was dating a guy who I thought was super sweet. Never thought I was living and sleeping with the devil himself. I went through emotional physical and sexual abuse for almost 3 years. He would make me redo everything in the kitchen and if he did not like it I would have to redo it and he would beat me. If I did not feel good he would make me take a bath in bleach and then force me to have sex anally with him over and over for hours. Then eventually it got to where he would allow his buddies to do it also. So when he introduced crack cocaine to me I was all for it. Anything to take the pain away. He was a severe alcoholic and when he got drunk he got even nastier. But with the drugs I felt I needed him. Like without him I would die. I never have felt so vulnerable in my whole life. I still blame and hate myself for what I allowed him to do. I blame and hate myself for my struggle to get over it. But mostly I blame and hate myself for the stress I put on my family. My story is not over yet but thank God that chapter is. I am now married to a very wonderful and loving man who helps me through my darkest days. I am alot but I am strong. I thank God every day and thank him for another day on earth. Even though because of this monster as I will never be able to have kids my husband still loves me all the same. He holds me on my bad days and celebrates my good days. That us the best thing I can ask for.