I typed this story out a couple of years ago on a wordpad and I cannot get myself to read it even now. I did do some spelling correction where I could find it, and I did add one sentence to include more medical inforation. I changed names to further protect myself. I am still healing, but I don’t feel as many conflicting or negative emotions as I did when this happened to me in 2020. At the time, I was very scared to speak out because he made me think that I was the one who was the abuser. I know now that I was not in the wrong, though some days I still have a hard time reminding myself of that.
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I wanted to sit down and write the story of how I met my abuser of an ex. Every other time I felt the urge to do this, I felt too drained from work and what not. My anxiety and depression over it is eating me up atm so I am trying to do this now.
This story is going to be long. I apologize in advance. I just need to get this out of me.
Let’s call my ex, ‘Nate’. No, not his actual name.
We met at a Halloween seasonal job in 2019 that we were both working at. I (38F), at least, caught a glimpse of Nate (33M) moving around with a walking stick and thought that it was a bit odd. He seemed like he was having trouble walking, like he had a limp.
Later I learned it was because he broke his ankle earlier that year from what I remember him telling me, and had to have screws and what not put in it during surgery.
Anyhow, we officially met on the night of orientation of our job. We were going through a training exercise, and Nate had been working at this job for over ten years. I was one of the new employees that was supposed to help be trained by the more experienced employees. Nate immediately picked me out.
I will admit, I didn’t think he was that physically attractive to begin with, but his personality at the time was charming, infectious… And I found myself quickly bonding with him. I felt like I always wanted to hang out with him, at least as a friend. I felt like we instantly clicked together. We spoke as if we were even best friends that might of known each other for years. One of our mutual friends who also worked with us even pointed that out– That our chemistry seemed perfect and like we had known each other for years.
The thing is, when I opened up to Nate about how old I really was about a week later after the training (he thought I was in my 20’s, as I tend to look younger than I appear), and when I blurted out that I am also a content creator on youtube, he immediately started hitting on me. Flirting with me. I reciprocated.
Nate asked me out on a date to a festival. We went the next day after our first weekend officially working together (week after orientation.) For the most part, it was fun– Although he spoke of something that seemed to conflict with me. He mentioned polygamy, and how some of his friends were at this festival that are considered ‘poly’. I think he was trying to read how I felt about that, and I remember he said, “Well, I am monogamous.” Now I felt like back then, it was potentially the first of many lies that he ended up telling me throughout our relationship. Some guy approached him at the festival and was hostile towards Nate, like the other guy hated him. I didn’t understand why. At the time, Nate wanted to introduce me to another female friend of his, and I think this guy was the boyfriend of said friend, but I don’t remember. But it did throw me off. Nate was reassuring the other guy, pointing at me, and saying that I was Nate’s ‘main’, which again set off another red flag. I also remember one of Nate’s ex-girlfriends approaching him at the festival, subtly bringing up her wanting to get back together with him, I guess..? I think she was jealous of how well Nate was treating me on the date.
You know, if I was a sensible person, I probably should of taken all these events as a sign that dating Nate was a bad, bad idea. I should of just ended the date and asked him to take me back home. I didn’t. I tried to overlook the negative. I tried not to be shallow even.
After that first date, I remember that he rushed things really hard, to the point where there were constant red flags again. At the time, again, I felt so happy that I was trying to overlook them. I know I should of been more responsible and listened to the red flags, and I realize that I was being extremely foolish at the time.
Not that long after our first date, he already brought up how he wanted to marry me. He was starting to pick out the wedding colors himself. I felt the red flag burning really strong, and I even told him on the spot how that felt. At the same time though– Again, I was being stupid and I just felt like– Almost like this was meant to be? That just was how it felt. It was the honeymoon type of period and everything felt right despite the red flags that came up. I was comparing this to the story my parents (who also tend to be toxic and abusive) told me of how they met. My dad had said he immediately fell in love with my mom, and knew she was the one, so I just thought that maybe in this instance, I was going through the same thing with Nate.
We continued to work together at the Halloween seasonal job for about 6 weeks. Nate constantly wanted to go out on dates with me about at least once a week on an off day, mostly going out to eat. I remember he paid for them mostly, though at times I also maybe paid for half of the said date. We sometimes took turns I guess paying for something from what I remember. I wanted to treat him like an equal.
Nate made me feel so special. I was deliriously happy. Everyone that saw us interact were jealous, they commented how Nate even seemed perfect. I thought I found the one.
Once our seasonal job wrapped up, I remember Nate brought up how he wanted us to move into an apartment. He wanted us to live together. He felt that ‘sure’ about me, even though we were only dating for maybe a little over a month. At the time, we both were in toxic living situations. He was living with his mother, who he claimed was treating him poorly (and probably was tbh). Nate did also bring up how he dealt with living in his car, being homeless…
I was living in a physically bad environment of a house, with a not-so-great but okay roommate. That situation in itself is a long story that I don’t want to dive into. At that time, I felt stuck. I had limited income (I had been on disability income and the Halloween seasonal job was the first job I had since I had gotten on disability a number of years ago). Nate was the only person at the time that I trusted to show where exactly I lived, in a house that was falling apart, with floors that were kinda caving in already, and probable mold in the structure, bugs… Not to really go too far into it. It just was physically bad.
Nate would come over and spend the night with me in the room I was renting in this house. He did this at least once a week. At the time, he acted like he always wanted to spend time with me. When we were together, we would lie in bed and just talk (and yes, we were physically intimate too). Something else I remember was he claimed to be able to see other spirits. Claimed he could communicate with them. He even acted like he was talking to a spirit in front of me on at least two occasions.
While we were starting to look into finding an apartment (his mother was also pressuring me to get him out of her place, as she lived in a senior living community and Nate wasn’t allowed to stay with her), he also insisted we both get ‘promise’ type of rings (not engagement rings.) He got me a garnet gem ring, and he got this silver and bronze band ring. Nate also wanted us to celebrate monthly anniversaries. On our first month anniversary, he went all out to take me out on an incredible date– Took me to build-a-bear to get a plush animal, of a bunny, one of my favorite animals. I cherished this plush rabbit throughout our entire relationship.
We were also exploring the ‘daddy’ and ‘little’ fetish, among other things, so we did eventually have a daddy and little relationship dynamic. The plush rabbit became an important piece of that whenever I was in ‘little’ type mode. The rabbit also just became something comforting that I often would cling to, especially when I would sleep.
We eventually found an apartment. Nate initially seemed hesitant to go through with applying for a lease, but I helped kinda push him as he was communicating beforehand how much he wanted us to live together. I foolishly applied for a 1 year lease with him. With both our incomes combined (he had just gotten a job at a supermarket at the time), we got approved.
We moved into this apartment mid-December 2019. At first, I felt happy. Nate wanted us to go meet my parents (in another state that was 10 hours away of a drive). He wanted to already meet my parents… And keep in mind, we had only been dating for a couple of months at this point.
But, I foolishly thought– It couldn’t hurt. Nate seemed perfect. Why not?
We went on a road trip to visit my parents. My youngest brother (I’ll give him the fictional name of ‘Steven’) was also at my parents’ house. We all spent Christmas together. While it was relatively okay and somewhat positive, despite my own family tending to be toxic and at least emotionally abusive, Nate quietly brought up to me how he felt uncomfortable at times around them. How Steven wanted Nate to play guitar often. Little things.
On Christmas eve (which was actually Nate’s Birthday), we all went to one of my cousin’s houses where a small family reunion with her family was going on (my family and I, along with Nate, were invited.) Immediately after we arrived at the house, Nate accidentally twists his broken ankle on the curve of the driveway. He screamed really loud in pain. I felt helpless. My cousin and her husband tried to help him. Nate wanted him and I to sit out a bit on the reunion, he was really upset about how my brother laughed when Nate accidentally hurt his broken ankle again. My cousin gave Nate an ice pack for the ankle. For most of the reunion, Nate kept wanting to just separate from the rest of the family– Walk outside. I forgot to mention that Nate does vape, and he had an addiction to it, and wanted to vape constantly, which was why he wanted to mainly go outside in the cold.
What Nate and I didn’t really know was that my family got him a birthday cake. When we came back inside, they surprised him with it. He acted surprised and grateful and happy. He wasn’t really happy though. He wanted to leave.
When Christmas was over, we did drive back to our apartment. Immediately afterwards was when I noticed a strong shift in the relationship.
One of the first things I remember was he pushed for me to apply for another job. At the time, I struggled with the fear of generally going back to work in general and the Halloween seasonal job was an experiment for me to dip my toes back in the working waters. Keep in mind, prior to this, I had been on disability income, also struggling with mental illness and chronic pain in my bladder (I had inherited a condition called ‘painful bladder syndrome’ or ‘interstitial cystitis’.) (Side note: Years later, I would learn that I also had endometriosis and had to get surgery in 2022. )
Regardless, I thought since we were living in an apartment now, that I should try to find another job. After applying to at least 9 places, I eventually found a job at a different supermarket. I started working there in January 2020. Yes, right before Covid-19 really hit us.
Early January 2020 though, we had our 3 month anniversary– Or at least I thought we were. In December, we skipped doing anything for our anniversary. This time, in January, Nate acted like he didn’t care about the monthly anniversary routine so much. He also was apparently feeling sick. He asked me to go walk down to a local restaurant and get us take out food. He was not acting very kind at the time, where I even asked him what he wanted, and he said, “You should remember my favorite dish there.” … I felt I had to figure it out myself.
So I walked down (it was within 1 mile, I didn’t have access to my own car, btw). I got us the take out, along with a greeting card for him. I did this thing where I at times would buy him a greeting card and I would write love letters in it, which I did so in this case.) When I returned to the apartment, I put all the food for him on a serving tray, along with the card and I quietly just handed it to him. I honestly wanted him to notice the card, I thought maybe it would cheer him up or indicate to him that I wanted reassurance. My anxiety was really getting to me, and I was also feeling incredibly depressed over this anniversary.
The next thing I remember from that day, was he showed appreciation for the card and food– But not long after, he asked me to sit down in a chair in our living room of the apartment and Nate said he wanted to talk. He said I wasn’t allowed to speak, and that I couldn’t ‘interrupt’ him. He claimed I was interrupting him often, when really, he would talk over me most of the time and wouldn’t let me interject or contribute to the conversation equally. Sometimes I guess I might accidentally have interrupted him, but it wasn’t as constant as he was making it out to be.
Anyhow, he proceeded to just– Ramble and rant about his life. He was going through all the events, from when he was a child, to the present. Every bad thing that ever happened to him– And I admit, I was struggling to really be able to pay attention because I do struggle when someone talks excessively or for a long time really. And I wasn’t allowed to stop him from talking or to even say anything. It was like he wanted to unload things from his past. The way he went about this though was not really very kindly, he was showing more of his cold side. I eventually started to cry when it really got to me that I wasn’t allowed to speak. I felt powerless. At the time, he also hadn’t been wearing his promise ring for some days, and it was eating away at me to the point where I had taken off my own promise ring as well.
I think it took at least half an hour or so for him to finish rambling. It might of been an hour honestly. I don’t remember anymore. But Nate did then ask me to go with him into the bathroom. He then sat on the toilet, mentioned something along the lines of needing to ‘dump’ everything out– While he was literally going #2 on the toilet. He then pulled out his own promise ring out of nowhere, and asked me to go get mine– And he then suddenly smiled out of nowhere, was placing the rings back on our hands as if we were having some sort of wedding ceremony– And he said, with his personality changing back to being charming and warm, “Happy Anniversary!”
I broke down. I sobbed. I was angry. I told him then that if he ever did something like that again that I was going to break up with him. When I look back on this now, I wish I had broken up with him right then and there.
Honestly, everything from January 2020 and onwards is more of a blur to me now. We were both working in our grocery store jobs. The pandemic hit us in March 2020. I almost got fired in February 2020 when I got sick with an upper respiratory infection because of the work probation period. The quarantining was happening. We both were stuck in the apartment most of the time.
Other things I remember:
Early on when we started living together, I was playing a video game on my PC. We both had our PCs in the living room of the apartment. Nate started making me feel guilty for playing this video game, claiming I was playing too much– When I would maybe play for maybe a couple of hours in the day, while I wasn’t at work.
Nate continued to interrupt me, blaming me for interrupting him instead. We couldn’t talk as easily anymore. That chemistry was no longer there since December 2019/January 2020. The honeymoon phase for me only lasted 3 months.
He was no longer acting like the man I originally met at the start of our relationship. I realized after awhile, when we had met, he was presenting a different mask of himself, another illusion. A different person.
Things also got to the point where when we were arguing, I started to not be able to handle it well. I was getting more angry, slamming doors, sometimes running away in the night. These things tended to happen when Nate wasn’t treating me well, or being emotionally or psychologically abusive to me. I admit, I could of reacted better in those instances and I tried to take accountability for them and find a therapist and get help.
One of the more troubling things was that I started catching him in multiple lies. He was compulsively lying throughout our relationship. Sometimes about things that didn’t warrant lying about, like having weed in the apartment. Or lying about who he was texting, saying it was a manager at his work when it was really a mutual friend of ours.
Everything was just piling on… The lies, the instances where he mistreated me… And later on, I also realized that he was trying to get me to react to his instances of mistreating me, and I later learned this is called ‘reactive abuse,’ on my end.
Nate started mentioning all these things that were wrong with me. Shifting blame onto me. Making me feel guilty. Lying some more.
In May 2020, there was a day where Nate was lying to my face. Saying that I wasn’t paying him my share of the rent. He kept saying, “You are not paying rent, you are not paying rent…” over and over. I /was/ paying rent, and if it wasn’t the full amount, it would of been communicated at the time as sometimes finances were not the greatest. Also, Nate was also manipulating me with my finances, talking me into getting something like a Mincraft gaming server, or going on a weekend vacation, etc… But on this one day, with him lying to me about the rent not being paid, it was twisting with my head. He was F-ing with my head, to the point where I tried to run out onto the apartment balcony and jump off of it to kill myself. Nate stopped me. I think a part of me wanted him to stop me, wanted him to be nicer to me, wanted him to be loving and kind and wonderful– And I do regret attempting suicide.
While he stopped mistreating me so much for awhile after that incident, he did talk to me. Made me feel ashamed for trying to kill myself. Speaking of what he would of had to do if I had done that. How it would of effected the other neighbors of the apartment complex. How he would of had to contact my family, my friends– How he would of been there at my funeral. He was talking about it as if he was glorifying it. I told him that I wouldn’t try to kill myself again, that I would try to find a proper therapist. I was struggling doing all these things and trying to hold this grocery store job that was intense for me, working 5 days a week during the pandemic…
In July 2020, Nate convinces me that we should go get gym memberships and start working out together. I get a training membership, which is expensive, but Nate said he would pay for it. I sign a contract, and Nate provides his payment info. I trusted him. We went to the gym together at least a couple of times before August.
Well, August 2020 rolls around, and my other brother (I am going to give this brother the fictional name of ‘Ross’) dies. Ross committed suicide. Obviously, I broke down. I couldn’t work for 2 weeks. The funeral was even held off for 3 weeks because of Covid19. And at first, Nate acted supportive and loving. Said he would go with me to the funeral. But seemingly the next day, I watch him pick out a suit for the funeral, which was reassuring me and comforting me in my grief. I was bedridden at this point, and I fell asleep to take a nap. I wake up 2 hours later, to Nate telling me that he spoke with his mother and she convinced him to not go to the funeral with me. I was extremely upset, I wanted his support, and I admit, after awhile, I grew resentful.
When it was time for me to fly down to my parents’ state again to visit my family for the funeral, I expressed to Nate that I wanted us to talk on the phone. I needed his emotional support. I wanted to talk to him at night about what was going on. How I didn’t want to go by myself. I didn’t want to be with my family, by myself.
While I was attending the funeral, I start getting harrassing telemarketing type calls from the gym (the one I joined with Nate back in July 2020). They said that Nate’s debit card was being declined. I was literally attending Ross’ funeral, and I couldn’t deal with this– As confused as I was.
Not only was that happening, but Nate was not texting me really, or hardly at all. He also wasn’t calling me. I was pulling teeth and practically begging him to call me. The night before my brother’s funeral, Nate apparently invited a couple of ‘guy friends’ over to the apartment to have a guy’s night– I was extremely distressed, but I was trying to wait and be understanding. I waited until it was 11pm at night, and my anxiety shot through the roof. I texted him, begging him to call me and that I needed to talk to him. I needed his emotional support. I ended up calling him. He said his friends had just left, but later told me that he had one of his friends listen in on our phone conversation– To let them hear me scream and yell as I was so angry with Nate with how much he was disregarding my pain and my grief and how much I needed him and I felt like he was blowing me off. We argued. Nate said I was being inconsiderate of his ‘guy time’. I really struggled…
We had a healthier phone conversation the next day, after the funeral was over.
When I returned from the funeral a day or two later, Nate picked me up at the airport, and immediately gave me a thermometer and told me to take my own temperature. He treated me like some infected patient, convinced that I had Covid-19 because I had to travel by plane. He immediately forced me to get a rapid test with him. Our tests were negative, btw.
Things were steadily going downhill in our relationship. My mental health was deteriorating, and I was responding with reactive abuse more and more to when Nate wasn’t treating me right. And again, I admit, alot of these instances are blurred for me now. I was really trying to find a therapist at least though, trying to get help. It was like I was the problem, that everything was my fault.
In late August, one night came along that was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I noticed Nate was texting someone at nearly midnight. My insecurity was knawing at me, and I asked him who he was texting. He said it was his manager at work. I looked the clock and brought up “You are texting your manager at this hour?” He insisted he was.
I admit, I did snoop through his phone later that night while he was in the shower. I found out he was texting a mutual friend of ours, this female college student (22F-ish?) who I will give the fictional name of ‘Rose.’ From the look of the texts, it seemed innocent enough, but I was troubled that he would even lie about who he was texting. Like I said, at this point, he was lying compulsively, about anything and seemingly all the time and it was one of the biggest struggles with the relationship. I also went through his email on another day, and I found out he was $1.6k in overdraft fees with his bank– And he was keeping it a secret from me for at least a month (this was why the gym were calling me during my brother’s funeral, Nate’s card was getting declined because of the overdraft fees.)
I confronted Nate about the overdraft charges and that I knew about them, and he then said that it was MY fault for making him go into overdraft. I want to point out that this wasn’t the first time he went into overdraft issues with his bank, it happened months prior to this too and back then, I paid something like $180 to help him get out of it. This time, I didn’t have $1.6k to spare and even if I did, I wasn’t going to help with that much money.
On the same evening that I caught him texting Rose, I overheard him say while he was in the shower, speaking to himself, “I’ll just have her be locked away…” He was speaking in a creepy tone. I don’t know if he knew I was listening to him or if he thought he was alone, but I made the mistake of saying outloud, “I heard you.”
I packed a backpack and ran off in the middle of the night. I had a breakdown. I sat on a swing in the park. I called a crisis hotline. I also called a crisis center and got to speak with a psychiatrist that morning. Though I knew the relationship was over. However, I was stuck on this apartment lease with Nate. I felt ‘stuck’ in a nightmare of a living situation.
I tried to live with him civilly even though I did break up with him.
At the same time, I found out he invited Rose over to the apartment. He said he was inviting a ‘friend’ over. I texted Rose because I suspected it was her, and I asked her if Nate invited her to the apartment. She confirmed it, and seemed confused because she thought Nate told me about it. I then informed her about Nate being overdrawn in his bank account, and how he also had just lost his supermarket job at the time… And she acted oblivious, but also defensive kinda of Nate. It got to the point where I asked her to let me know whenever he was inviting her over (they both said they were recording a single for her as she is a singer and Nate does produce music in his spare time also). I communicated to both in the end that I would rather they just tell me whenever they were meeting at the apartment, and to do so while I was at my own job, working. I wanted at least the courtesy of communication of what they were doing. Rose was not happy with my controlling this situation. She said she didn’t have to tell me when she was going over to the apartment but that she would tell me anyway (which she did in texts). I actually broke up with Nate in early Sept 2020, after Rose told me via text that Nate was planning to remove me from the lease himself.
They both made me feel like some control freak. Like I was the problem. That was how it felt, but I felt like my boundaries were also being violated. Like they didn’t care how I felt about the whole thing. Rose also wasn’t really believing me when I was trying to communicate how I was struggling with Nate, how he wasn’t communicating, how he was lying, etc.
Around Sept 5th, 2020, shortly after I broke up with Nate, he was communicating how he wanted to get back together with me, but at the same time, he was continuing to lie and also treat me coldly. I felt confused and torn. I was open to the idea of getting back together, but only if he was showing he was willing to get help for the lying, and that he wanted to change. He wasn’t showing he wanted that. Sometimes he would purposefully ignore me if I was trying to talk to him, and what not. He was acting cold all the time at this point. Everything that happened up to the point, was eating away at me.
Again, on Sept 5th, he made me so upset with the way he was treating me that I ended up losing it. I was screaming and yelling for 30 minutes straight. I didn’t care anymore. It felt good– And before this, he was saying that I was the one with the issues, that I shouldn’t yell at him or be angry at him. At this point though, I stopped caring. I wanted control back. At the end of the 30 minutes of my yelling and screaming, he attempted to spit on my face. I called the police as I knew this was considered physical assault. I don’t know what Nate told them, but the police convinced me that we could work this out– They did mention I could file a protection order, but I didn’t understand what that was at the time, what it entailed, or how it would of helped me. No one explained it.
I gave Nate another chance to try to work at this with me. This ended up being a massive mistake.
At the end of Sept, things were getting worse. Around the 20th, he was lying on the couch… And I was sobbing. I came out into the hallway, wanting him to notice me crying. He purposefully ignored me. At one point, he turns to look at me and smile sadisically. Like he was enjoying seeing me crying. I was struggling because I felt like I couldn’t trust him anymore, and I didn’t know when he was lying or telling the truth. I didn’t think he was being genuine or caring anymore, and that sometimes he was just pretending like he was being caring. It really ate at me. I broke that night. Again.
I took the plush rabbit that he gave me on our first month anniversary (from Nov 2019), and I cut it up with a pair of scissiors. I did this in front of him. A part of me was hoping he would react differently than he did… But the way he did react was just looking at me as if I was a psycho, judging me. He asked, “What are you doing..?” He wasn’t upset. He wasn’t even afraid. I tore that rabbit into pieces. I threw parts of it at him even. I felt so broken, I wanted him to see what he did to me. Everything that he did and how he treated me and how he made me feel.
The next thing I remember was him getting up and walking towards me– I was on edge, I didn’t know what he was going to do, and I felt threatened. I had the scissors in my hand still and I pointed them at him, and I told him to back off- To keep away from me. That I wanted space. I immediately put down the scissors after that and stepped back.
He smiled really big, in that sadistic way. Like he had gotten something he wanted. He got his coat then, was leaving– Saying he was going to get someone (he was implying mental health workers to come and get me, with the air of threat that I was going to be taken away.). I was angry and upset again at this point, and I was yelling at him. I was done. I told him how he couldn’t hurt me anymore. How he could no longer control me. Things along those lines. I wanted control back and I was realizing that he was being controlling and manipulative throughout our entire relationship.
He left.
I ended up being taken away by police later that night for an emergency psychological assessment at a hospital. The next day, Nate had filed a protective order against -me.- I was confused, in extreme distress, and I ended up having to move out of the apartment and back where I was living prior to the relationship with Nate. A couple of days later, I filed my own protection order against Nate for him having spit on my face in early Sept 2020.
We cross filed against each other, went to court, and we agreed before a judge that we would leave each other alone for a year. I never went through anything like this in my entire life—
I later found out that Nate had another protective order filed against him back in 2012 by another girl. I wasn’t the only one.
I don’t know what else to say anymore. I’m still picking up the pieces of my life. I ended up paying off the gym membership debt that accumulated because of him, and I got my gym membership cancelled thankfully. I also was able to get Nate to remove me from the lease successfully. He now has the apartment all to himself.
I’m drained now. I feel vulnerable even having shared this. I sometimes still think that maybe I am a monster too because of the scissors incident… That I am a criminal. I feel like my life is just about ruined. But I am now trying to save up my funds towards a car for myself. I also plan after that to move elsewhere nicer. I don’t know what the future holds for me anymore. I’m still healing. I hate what has happened. I hate what Nate did to me, everything he ever did. I feel like a massive idiot.
