By Survivor
My first experience with domestic violence was at age 14 with my high school boyfriend. He was controlling and forced me to have sex with him at his house, in the school bathroom. He would get upset at me and sometimes hit me but just light enough not to leave a mark. We were separated and broken up when a classmate witnessed my boyfriend hit me in his car in the parking lot.
My second experience of domestic violence was at age 18. My first adult boyfriend was 12 years older than me. He was an alcoholic, did drugs, but was functional and had a job. He got his second DUI in my state and already had a DUI in another state. That was my first experience of having to call a jail to see if my boyfriend was booked when he didn’t come home. I was in college at the time and he was so controlling that he wanted to know what time my classes were and when I would be home. He would drive me to work and pick me up.
One incident, I picked him up drunk at the bar and he was trying to open the passenger door as I was driving and pull the steering wheel. I tried to push him off the steering wheel and he kept punching me in my right arm and in my right eye with his class ring. I started crying and he told me to shut up or else. I thought my arm was broken and went to the doctor and lied about playing football, but turns out it was not broken. It was summer and I had to wear the same shirt for a week because it was long enough to cover the bruise on my entire upper arm. I had a cut under my eye with a black eye and I said my small dog scratched me. I told myself that my scar would be a motivator to leave and I would never be with an abusive man again. It took me 3 more years to leave. I left when he was at work.
My third experience, I had a boyfriend with a prestigious job in the medical field. He was well known in the community. I thought because he was educated and had a respectable job things would be different. This boyfriend was again 10 years older than me. He wanted to party and it was fun. He liked to work hard and play hard, every weekend traveling and shopping. It was great at first. His mom suddenly became ill and passed away at an older age due to her health. I helped him in a time of need and that drew us together quickly. We started arguing while he was drinking. He was already outgoing and I thought flirtatious with other women, but I tried to play it off as his personality. The flirting was crossing the line when he was drinking, so much that it was embarrassing to the other women. He would be drunk and obscene, he would either rage at me or cry about his problems. When he was mad he would hit me and I would try to defend myself but often I would freeze. One time that I remember, he was driving drunk and I told him to pull over. He ignored me and I grabbed his left arm to get his attention. He started hitting me while he was driving, started with my arm and I ducked and put my head down and covered my head with my hands. He started hitting my on my back and my head. In a panic I thought about opening the door and trying to get out but the car was still moving. A few other times he left me in the city with no vehicle after we had been drinking and I got lost, lost my purse and someone took me to the hotel where he was staying but I don’t know how I got there.
Later I found his phone had multiple dating apps, texts with naked photos of other women, DMs from other women and he denied it. We broke up and somehow got back together. The cycle started again and we were together for 2 more years, 4 in total. The day I left was Christmas when he was drunk by noon.
My fourth experience with domestic violence was with my ex-husband, my daughter’s biological father. Naively we did not know each other long before we got married. He was very religious at first but not abnormally strict. When we got married we moved out of town from my work, friends and family. I handled the finances because he did not believe in banks and then he would accuse me of leaving him out of loop on purpose. He started yelling at me when I was pregnant, calling me names I have never been called by a man before, let alone a romantic partner. He would not want to intimate with me because he was busy working and always irritable. He made me do dabs and smoke weed when I was feeling sick because he said it made him feel better. I hated it. He was abusive to his own dogs.
He was threatening to me when I was pregnant and DHS got involved but I was not ready to leave. He accused me of cheating on him with my tattoo artist who was finishing a tattoo for me. He yelled and called me names when he was holding our infant daughter. Sometimes I would go to her room and try to do anything to console her and keep her quiet to prevent him from yelling longer at me. Often he drove dangerously with both myself and our infant daughter in the car. He became a Sovereign Citizen when we were together and turned his driver’s license into the state and took his license plates off his vehicle. I was lucky that we weren’t in the car when he was pulled over and arrested for that.
The week before I left him he threatened to hit me in front of my daughter. I left on a day I was supposed to go to work, as I usually took my daughter to my mom’s and he “worked” from home. I packed our valuables and essentials, didn’t go to work and then texted him I wasn’t coming back. I didn’t go back until I was with family to pick up my belongings.
He stalked and harassed me during our separation and divorce, leaving threatening voicemails and text messages. I got a restraining order for a year and renewed. Unfortunately the renewal wasn’t able to be served because of no trespassing property signs. My husband has supervised visitation only and has not exercised his right to see our daughter since 6/21. He has never paid any child support. He continues to repeatedly call me from no caller ID and sporadically leave me threatening voicemails. I have kept and transcribed all the voicemails and logged the calls. I have tried to get another restraining order with all this evidence but the female judge told me, “I am sure this causes you anxiety but I do not think you are in physical danger. You can always apply again.” That was 10/22. I have not bothered to apply again. This is what is wrong in our society, women not believing other women, where is the justice? So he can continue to get away with it forever?
The longer time goes by the less these experiences affect me but in random ways that can catch me off guard, like when my male chiropractor or acupuncturist touch my neck, or when my arm is sore after an injection. I have done years and years of counseling and take anti-anxiety, anti-depressants, and I have support from friends and family. But often I have nightmares and think of all these horrible experiences when I am lying in bed trying to go to sleep or talking to others about my daughter’s father. I am currently remarried and doing well. I am sharing my story to give hope to others and let them know they are not alone.
