By Anonymous Survivor
**The following is written by a survivor of domestic violence and abuse. Names have been changed to protect all involved.**
I am a survivor of childhood emotional neglect and abuse, sexual abuse, and domestic violence in a marriage of 33 years. Not to mention I am a mother of three adult children and I have a 3 year-old grandson. I am still married to my abuser, though we are separated which will eventually lead to divorce.
I was born into a dysfunctional family environment. My mother had extreme trauma from her own childhood. Her mother was murdered by her father when she was 12 years old. This compelled her to desperately want to be a mother, but at the same time she did not have the emotional well-being to be a supportive and consistently safe parent.
An Unsupportive Parent
Growing up my mother was frequently depressed and anxious. She was emotionally unavailable, and often emotionally cruel and abusive. She was frequently unsupportive.
If I misbehaved or made a mistake she acted like I was doing it to her to make her miserable. Also, she would say things like you’re a bad girl and I hate you for doing this to me. I generally had a lot of friends in school, but for some reason in 3rd grade I was left out and bullied by my peers.
My mother was asked to have a conference with my teacher as my teacher was concerned. I vividly remember when she came home from the conference. I was standing in the kitchen, peering over the kitchen counter watching her wash dishes, as she said “What have you done to make those poor kids be mean to you?” And “Why would you do this and make me have to go see your teacher?”
When I think about it, I have a vague memory of feeling so surprised that my mom didn’t feel bad for me, or want to help me. I felt so alone and unlovable.
Instability In My Childhood and Emotional Abuse
The most traumatizing situations were when she would be in a completely emotionally dysregulated state, grab her keys and purse and begin to run out of the house. She would be screaming that she was going to kill herself and I wouldn’t have a mommy anymore.
I remember being terrified and standing on the stairs, crying hysterically. Tears running down my face and yelling, “Please don’t go mommy!”
In retrospect I know that she wasn’t deliberately trying to hurt me as she was deeply wounded herself, but as a young child I was terrified that she would follow through and I would be left without a mom. I know that that small child believed that there was something wrong with me. That it was my fault that she was this upset and wanted to die.
My father was present in the home, and was generally a very loving, supportive and safe person. However, I now see that he was in his own denial, and didn’t do enough to protect me.
My Own Trauma
With this as my childhood experience, I had extreme attachment and abandonment trauma. I didn’t know what healthy relationships looked like. Because my self-esteem is so damaged I looked for intimate partner relationships that matched what I already knew and was used to. In other words, ABUSE.
When I was dating as a teen, I seemed to only be attracted to bad boy personalities, and in every case, those people were inattentive at best, and mean and abusive at worst. I had a long-term relationship in my senior year of high school through my junior year of college.
In this relationship, he frequently blew me off. Meaning he would invite me to go to parties with him, and then not talk to me. Ask me to go to a movie and then at the last minute cancel. Or even invite me over to his house to hang out and then talk on the phone with his friends as if I wasn’t there.
I was also laughed at, called names like fat even though I only weighed 120 pounds. Stupid even though I was a 4.0 student as well as crazy, ugly, worthless, and so on. I had objects thrown at me when he was angry and was pushed out of his car before he came to a full stop.
Teen Year Tragedies
In my teen years I experienced a traumatizing sexual assault. I was at a party, and like most of the people there I was drinking.
I spent a lot of time talking to a male friend. This friend and I had had a crush on each other in junior high school, and the conversation at the party turned flirtatious. At that time, I didn’t realize, a friend saw him put something in my drink.
I recall that things became fuzzy when we were downstairs in the basement talking. He asked me to go down there because it was too loud upstairs, and he wanted to be alone. We talked and then we kissed.
There is a whole segment of the night where I don’t have any memory of what was happening, but at one point I gained a vague consciousness and was aware of him on top of me, raping me. However, I was too out of it and drugged to do anything about it.
The Aftermath
I had not yet had sexual intercourse at this time, so my first time was violently stolen from me. As well as my dignity, sense of value and trust. I don’t remember much after that except that a friend drove me home.
He whispered in my ear at school on Monday, that if I said anything to anybody he would say I instigated it, jumped on him and that I was a slut. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, afraid of what he would do and afraid of not being believed. That I didn’t speak of it to anybody until this last year in trauma therapy.
In my mid 20s, I met the man who would become my husband. Once again, he had the bad boy personality including the same traits I experienced in the past. For instance, blowing me off, being belittling and condescending, very self-absorbed and much much worse. However, he could also be very sweet and kind.
This combination of contradicting traits and constant inconsistency mimicked my childhood with my mom, and though it made me miserable at times it was also familiar and what seemed normal to me. I realize now that I never truly believed that I deserved anything better.
Right from the Beginning
Right from the very beginning his extreme anger, inability to deal with any distressing emotions, and ease at being able to call me names. Names such as pathetic and worthless, became a habitual cycle. I didn’t realize it until the last couple of years when I have become much more educated about abuse.
He was following the typical cycle of abuse. An abusive incident, then remorse and making up, the build up to the next explosion , and then the next abusive incident. This pattern that began from the beginning of our relationship continues to this day over 33 years later.
He was also drinking and smoking pot almost every day during the first year of our relationship and frequently there after. Over the years it became apparent that he had a long time problem with drugs and alcohol.
When he would be drinking, or smoking pot his anger and behaviors were more extreme. However, let me be clear, there have been countless abusive encounters while completely sober. Actually More while sober than intoxicated.
Dating and Early Relationship
While we were dating and throughout our relationship, his moods were completely unpredictable and inconsistent. He could be very kind, loving and supportive if I shared my own difficulties and worries. At other times, he would be impatient, easily angered, and throw up my vulnerabilities in my face.
Telling me I was making too big of a deal out of something, that I was crazy, and that I wasn’t worth him dealing with it. For example, I have frequently been told regarding feelings of anxiety or depression, that I just blow everything out of proportion. I’m too high maintenance, no one would want me and I’m lucky that he stays with me considering how pathetic/crazy/screwed up I am.
I have been called a bitch, fucked up, insane, worthless, useless and a cunt more times than I could possibly count. The verbal abuse was intense.
Threatening Abuse and Abandonment
From the beginning and to this day during arguments he will threaten abandonment. He used to tell me that he would leave me and take the kids. Because I’m crazy or that he would leave me with the kids and I’d have to fend for myself.
Even now as our children are adults, he threatens abandonment by telling me that he can’t stand being around me. That I make him sick, he wishes I would just go away forever, that he can’t deal with my shit. And that he, our kids, and our grandson would be better off without me in their lives.
He tells me that it’s because everything is my fault and he’s doing everything he’s supposed to be doing. When he’s angry, belittling me and threatening me, he will yell frighteningly loud to the point that even my dog retreats and hides.
The decades of this behavior and abuse has caused great fear to be a constant in my life. In reality, my nervous system has been in a constant state of fear and hyper vigilance. Waiting for the next incident to happen, for the next shoe to drop.
The Physical Abuse
I haven’t even touched on the physical abuse in the relationship. It has been 6 years since any acts of physical abuse. Although the threats and fear of it are ever present. However, there have been many instances of physical abuse in our relationship over the years.
I’ve been held down on the floor with his hands around my throat and his knees on my chest so I couldn’t breathe. Have been pushed, held in a death grip against the wall, spit in the face and locked out of the house.
I have been thrown on the floor, on the bed and out the door. I recall a time when my children were younger and still lived at home. We were arguing close to the basement stairs. He was grabbing me and pushing me up against the wall and making me very unstable.
“I ended up falling down the stairs and fracturing a rib.”
I was too scared to go to a doctor, or to report it to the police. So I just put an ace bandage around it and told my kids I slipped down the stairs with the vacuum and fell on the handle injuring my rib.
The most recent physical incident was about 6 years ago, when we were arguing in the garage. I was trying to walk away when he picked up a 30 pound bag of charcoal and threw it from a very short distance at the back of my head. Knocking me down onto the cement floor of the garage.
One of the most terrifying and painful experiences was when I was pregnant with our second child who is now 31. He was angry, we were arguing and I was crying and begging him to stop. At which point he started laughing at me and then punched me very hard in my pregnant tummy.
Thankfully, my unborn son was fine and the pregnancy went full-term. But that taught me very early on that my life and the lives of my children could be at risk and that I needed to be very very careful.
A Pattern of Abuse
Early on in our relationship he shared with me some abuses he inflicted on girlfriends before me. I believe he was sharing this because he was feeling guilty about his behavior. Also perhaps subconsciously looking for support and forgiveness.
Among other things, he shared that when in high school, he and his girlfriend were arguing, and he smashed her head against the locker repeatedly right out in the open at school. I remember that when he told me these things he was crying and acting remorseful.
I believe that there is a side of him that is remorseful about these things, but I also believe that he was looking for sympathy and forgiveness so that I wouldn’t leave the relationship. It may seem to outsiders that this should have been a red flag for me, but I had no concept of red flags.
All I knew was that inconsistent treatment was normal in relationships and that it was my job to forgive and try to help my abusers be better.
What Do We Say?
Survivors often get asked directlym or indirectly why they stay. especially for someone like me who’s been in this relationship for over 30 years. I can say for me, which I have learned through extensive therapy and participating in the SCARS support group that I have a trauma bond.
In case not, everyone is familiar with what being trauma bonded means I will quote from the website Very Well Mind.
“Trauma bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse.
The bond happens due to a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. After each circumstance of abuse, the abuser professes love, regret, and otherwise tries to make the relationship feel safe and needed for the abused person.
Trauma bonding is one reason that leaving an abusive situation can feel confusing, overwhelming and nearly impossible. It involves positive and/or loving feelings for an abuser, making the abused person feel attached to and dependent on their abuser.”
Trying to Be Safe and Sound
Because of this, there is a large part of me that doesn’t believe that I can be happy or safe on my own. That I need this person to be a part of my life, for my survival, emotionally and physically. I’ve also learned from a very young age to believe that I’m worthless and lucky to have anybody who would love me and want to be with me.
Additionally, because I have been a stay at home mom and homemaker most of my adult life, I’ve always been terrified of being able to support myself and that fear continues today. He has used this against me and created fear about my finances. Telling me things like I can’t survive without him and he has the power to make my life very difficult.
This too has made it feel virtually impossible to leave the relationship. I also, believe that I have stayed because of fear of the consequences. Of what he would do emotionally and financially, and the possibility of him trying to turn my children against me.
“All of these things have made, and continue to make it very difficult for me to completely end this relationship.”
My husband and I are now in a separation. I live in our home and he is in an apartment. I still see him fairly often as we share our pets and we have 3 children and a grandson. We still own our home and cottage together and have to make a lot of joint decisions.
It took me a long time to get here. When we first separated in May of 2022 he would only go to his apartment 2 or 3 nights a week because I was scared to be alone. I was constantly in a state of asking myself if I was more afraid with him or without him.
Now I’m so happy to be living alone and am finding my freedom and blossoming into a whole and happy person. Eventually we will get divorced, but it’s a slow process breaking this trauma bond and finding my power.
PTSD from Abuse and Moving Towards A New Life
Because of the abuse and trauma in my life, I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD, which often has manifested in depression and anxiety. Spring of 2022, when we first separated, we basically went from spending almost every day and night together to being completely apart.
We went from all to nothing. For someone like myself with complex trauma who is extremely trauma bonded, and lacks self-esteem and feelings of value. The separation was like an emotional and mental gut punch.
I spent almost all of that spring and summer in a terrified and depressive state. By the fall of 2022 I was having suicidal ideation due to all of the Intense trauma and abuse. And I ended up making the difficult decision to go to the hospital for a couple of days.
Once I left the hospital I needed my husband, my abuser, to move back home because I was not in a position to be able to completely take care of myself, my pets and my home. I also chose to attend a two week outpatient emotional health program in the hopes of more thoroughly reinforcing tools of strength and resilience.
“I also have been seeing an experienced trauma informed therapist for 2 and a half years.”
It’s only been in the last year that I’ve been finding my strength and my power. I finally have begun to embrace self love, self compassion and some internal peace.
The deep depression, constant fear, and thoughts of ending my life took an immense toll on me. It also showed me the depths of the damage this man had done to me. Though he was agreeable to helping me during that horrible time. And often appeared supportive during this process there have been and continue to be times of him using all of this against me.
By telling me that I’m defective and that I just played the victim. That I can be grateful that he’s done me such a big favor and that I make him sick. I can’t even begin to explain how horrific it was to be in this situation.
“Never again!”
He stole so much from me including almost my life. He almost won – but guess what I’m going to win this!
I still at times feel that the thought and task of ending this relationship completely and building a life of my own is daunting. At best, and nearly impossible. That I don’t have the strength, courage or resources to see it through.
It’s horrible to feel trapped, it’s horrible knowing that the trauma inflicted upon me throughout my life has resulted in these devastating consequences. The weight of it all and the grief is soul crushing. But each day, each week, each month I feel myself getting stronger, the thought of all that hard stuff is getting a little easier and my future is getting a little brighter- a lot brighter in fact!
I’m trying to take things one day at a time, but I am terrified. I am hopeful that one day at a time I can create a safe, happy and healthy life for myself. I turn 61 years old in a couple of months. Feel the clock ticking.
“I feel that so much time has been robbed from me.”
Now, I feel an urgency to find a way for my remaining years, be it 1 or 30, to finally be a space of peace and joy. And yet every day I still ask myself how. How can I heal the wounds enough to make this possible? I hear my soul yelling “Lorrie please don’t let the abusers win. You’re worth fighting for and you deserve to win”
I am working and fighting so hard every day to make this a reality.
I would like to add that at my request, my husband has participated in an intervention program of 52 weeks. Much like what all of you are attending.
It was extremely difficult, and there were frightening arguments trying to convince him to take this step for himself, me and our children. He tried very hard to convince himself and me that he just has an anger management problem. That he needed nothing more than a few sessions of therapy.
Eventually he did agree to attend as I said there was no possibility of saving our marriage if he didn’t. Kudos to him for taking that step and I believe that to some extent he has tried to take it seriously and internalize the process.
“He completed the program a year ago.”
I would say that I see some progress. I see moments of better self control, and times when he’s trying to use skills he’s learned in the program. That being said, throughout the entire time and continuing now that the program is over, there are still frightening incidents that include verbal and emotional abuse.
Threats, tirades and the use of fear as a control tactic. He still finds it very difficult to control his anger and regulate his emotions in a healthy way. Then there are times where he is able to step back and get control. However, there are just as many times when he reverts to his abusive tactics and starts belittling me.
Saying the same old cruel things, such as I’m pathetic, I’m not worth it, he, and everyone else would be better off without me and so on. The same old inconsistency. Since completing the program, he has also begun reminding me that he did “Everything I asked of him”.
Meaning he completed the program. When he says this it really makes me wonder if he did it for himself, our marriage, and our children.
Or if he did it just to be able to say “look at me, I did what I was asked and see what a great guy I am”. Whether he would recognize it or not, I now believe it’s more the latter.
Finding Progress
Lately, when he’s angry he tells me that he’s doing everything he’s supposed to be doing. That I’m not following through on my own personal work. That if I was, he wouldn’t continue to have these moments of abusive behavior.
This looks frighteningly like all the previous years of him not taking responsibility and me being to blame. So in all honesty, though I give him credit for doing the program voluntarily and putting effort into it, I am certain that not enough has been accomplished to create significant change in his behavior. Or to foster a safe and healthy environment.
I have a zero tolerance policy now which I have learned he will never be able to meet. So there is no future for our relationship and not only am I okay with that I’m thrilled to finally be able to embrace it!
Holding My Abuser Accountable
It has been difficult for him to maintain the bit of progress he did make without the weekly accountability of attending the program. He has always needed to be seen as a great guy, just the best.
Someone incapable of saying, and doing the things that he was doing behind closed doors. Thus I know that it was very difficult for him to have to go to the weekly meetings and share his past and present abusive behavior.
This was likely a strong motivator for him to try to do better. Who wants to go to a weekly meeting and say here’s the cruel things I did this week?
Now he doesn’t have to report to anybody, and he’s told me “I did what I was asked now I get to move on”. He gives himself lots of congratulatory pats on the back but does little to follow through. By the way when do I get to move on?
Healing from Abuse
Trauma stays with you for life. Trauma of physical and emotional abuse. There can be some healing and one can move forward but it never just goes away. So thanks for that life long gift while you merrily move on.
My main job and responsibility now is healing from trauma, finding consistent peace and happiness, and enjoying my children and grandson to the fullest. I now completely release any responsibility for him and his behavior and I’m free from waiting around for something that will never happen.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to share a piece of my story.
Check These Resources:
- Complete Guide to Mindful Meditation, and Emotional Healing.
- The Hidden Impact of Teen Dating Violence
- Find Support with BTSADV
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