I couldn’t believe it

I was born and raised in Arizona. I didn’t have a lot of friends; I was shy and introverted. When I was a freshman in high school I met my abuser, although at that time it seemed like the love of my life and someone I would eventually marry. I was obsessed with him. He was the bad boy. He was constantly in trouble from fighting and it made me feel protected because I had been bullied by my peers. We started running away a lot together because my parents didn’t want me dating him. At this time he started becoming very controlling of me, forcing me at times to have sex with him even though I couldn’t because I was constantly getting urinary tract infections. He would also threaten me out of nowhere that he didn’t think we should be together anymore, just to get me to cry and make myself sick over him leaving me. He would always end up saying that he just wanted to see how much I truly loved him. I honestly thought that him being controlling of me meant he loved me more so it was okay. This was only the beginning though. My parents decided we were going to move out of state because of the trouble I was getting into with him. I was devastated. I vowed that when I turned 18 I would move back to AZ and we would be together forever. While I was gone, I tried desperately to keep in touch with him. I’d call and write him all the time, but never got a response. He was hooked on drugs at this time and even got a girl pregnant. It seemed like he had moved on. I dropped out of high school and things went downhill pretty fast. I was making very careless decisions. I didn’t care about my life anymore. My parents agreed that maybe I should go stay with my aunt and uncle in AZ to get my GED and get on track since things weren’t going good where I was. So I did. Little did I know because of this one decision to move back it would cost me so so much mentally and physically. I ended up finding HIM, after a week of being there in AZ, with the help of my Aunt. She knew how much I wanted to be with him and she was only trying to help me. I couldn’t believe that I had finally talked to him again. I was speechless. He had just gotten out of prison and was supposedly doing well. He was working at a decent job and taking care of his child that he had. I thought it was great! We ended up eventually moving in together and this is where it all went downhill. I don’t know what happened and why. He was so controlling over everything I did. He would take my car, since he didn’t have one, and leave for weeks on end. He wouldn’t tell me where he was or anything. I would have to find a ride to my job because of this. I was stupid to say the least. I still hadn’t learned my lesson. He obviously didn’t love me, I should have left. But I didn’t, I continued to hold on to the promises he had made me back in high school. He started cheating on me and would always lie about it… saying the hickey marks were from a vacuum cleaner while he was cleaning the car out. The lies were absolutely ridiculous and I knew it. I just couldn’t mentally leave him. He would tell me that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me, and that was all I wanted. He went to prison a couple more times for drugs and parole violations. I stood by his side every step of the way, even spending all of my money towards his commissary. He would constantly fight with me over the phone, saying I was cheating on him and I didn’t love him. I had to somehow prove my love for him so he would believe me. He would tell me to visit him as many days as I was allowed to go to the prison, even if I had no gas money to get there. That was his way of telling me if you love me then you’ll visit me no matter what. The prison was 45 minutes from where I was living with my family. My family tried to get me into counseling at this time to help me. But nothing seemed to change me. When he eventually got out, things were good for a bit. We got an apartment, we both had jobs, we were going to church.. I thought things were finally going the right way. Then I found out I was pregnant with his baby. At first he seemed happy but that changed. He would become very abusive towards me, punching me in the stomach and various other places. I had to go to the ER numerous times to make sure my baby was okay. I was lucky I never miscarried. He’d always tell me how sorry he was after the fact., and I believed him. I should have left… but because of my stupidity I stayed. I kept thinking it would all get better. He even got me a kitten to show me that he loved me. Unfortunately he would use this as leverage. He would constantly try to hurt the kitten, even dangling her over our balcony of our apartment. He would get jealous of the attention I would give her. This should have been a warning to me because this is exactly how he acted with our son after he was born. He would lock our son in his bedroom so that neither one of us could get him to feed him. He was only 5 months old at that time. He would scream and cry and I couldn’t do anything. I would try to break the door down but he would beat me for it. I can’t tell you how many times he would get mad at me and hit me all because I was trying to be a good mom to our son. I wanted so desperately to be a good mom. I would sneak in my babies room in the middle of the night while my ex was sleeping so that I could hug and kiss him. It breaks my heart. Anything our son did would make him mad, even having an accident in his diaper that got on his car seat in the car. He would go absolutely crazy. At this time I was scared to leave because he would threaten me that him and his family would take my son away. I believed every bit of it. My family tried getting me help but out of fear I’d always go back because he said he was going to call the cops on me for taking his son away. I stayed until my son was 1 year old. The last fight did it for me. He dislocated my jaw, and did it right in front of our son in his playpen while he was crying and watching. He hid my phone and destroyed the apartment, breaking everything in our babies room. After a short time I found my phone and I called the cops. The cops came and saw how hurt I was and took me and my son to the police station. They searched for my ex but didn’t find him until the next day. They arrested him and we eventually went to court and I had to testify against him. It was so hard. He ended up going to prison and was out within 3 years. During this time I got a lot of help and got full custody of my son. I moved back to where my parents lived out of state and have remained there ever since.
I can’t tell you how many things happened during these years, every incident would literally take me a whole book to write. But all I can say is that I hate myself daily for staying so long. My son was born healthy but he has a lot of behavioral problems and mental health issues. I blame those on the things that he was around because of me. Doctors have said he had some frontal lobe damage while he was in my womb due to the abuse. He has literally been in and out of counseling since he was 5. He is now 15. Both my son and I are on medications for depression, anxiety… I have CPTSD. I feel like I deserve every bit of it since I was the one to stay every time something bad happened. There was financial abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, and even sexual abuse. How does one stay for this long? I should have left a long time ago. I recently found out that my ex was in a bad car accident and was put into a coma. He is now unable to talk or do anything. It’s been 3 years and he is still the same. No memory or anything. Is it bad to say that I feel sorry for him? He still runs my brain even though it’s been 15 years. I’ve been married now for almost 7 years and it hasn’t been any easier. Sometimes I have nightmares that my now husband is my ex and he beats me. I wake up not knowing who to trust. I have no reason to not trust my husband but it’s a constant battle. If my husband is stressed out or grumpy I automatically go into fight or flight mode. It takes me back to my ex. I hate living like this. I have guilt. I am on so many medications because of this and have now developed other issues, health related. I am no longer the person I used to be physically or mentally. I am proud of myself for getting my son out of that mess, but it’s also caused so much aftermath that I was not prepared for. I am safe now, my son is safe. We are both close… but I am still haunted by my past. If anyone else is seeing similar characteristics in their partner all I can say is LEAVE. Leave before it gets worse and worse. You are worth so much more than you know! You don’t deserve this, even on a bad day! Please get the help you need to get away. There are so many resources out there you just have to reach out. I unfortunately didn’t and now I am dealing with these inner demons.