A Story from a Survivor’s Husband

My wife Susan was married before she married me, she was in the marriage for 15 years, her husband broke her jaw in front of her children, that’s when she decided to leave, when I was in my teens I stopped 4 instances of abuse on women by having a fight with the men involved to me you just don’t hit women so that’s my background, we met and she took a long wile to get close to, maybe I was just stupid or not experienced enough about what I was dealing with, I didn’t put any pressure on her to do anything, I new something was wrong but I didn’t know what, you do think about everything that it could be, when we got close and I don’t mean in bed just cuddling and having a kiss she would cry or just move away, I new that it was not me but I didn’t have information to help, we cared on and decided to get married at my own risk she said, then after she felt confident in me and confidence enough to tell me about what happened, she lived on a plot of land of 8 acres, and her husband could have a rifle for protecting his livestock, but he also used it to blackmail her into doing his will, he threatened her and when that didn’t work he threatened the children, if she didn’t do what he wanted he would beat her sometimes so bad she was in hospital, then he went on to bringing his friend into this situation, the abuse escalated to a point that they were using things on her for their own gratitude, she might say something obviously but again if she didn’t do what they said she was beat up again but this time it was two of them doing it, I can’t bring my self to tell you everything that they used but the neck of a whisky bottle was used and you know just what for, so she put up with everything that they used on her she had to have an operation on her back passage because of the damage that they did, I was just sat there listening to her because she needed to talk about what happened to her and I was lucky enough for her to do that, but she didn’t know what I am like with men that do that, she just let it all out and I just held her as she was crying and I was crying also but it didn’t sit well with me and she new it I was going to go down and gut him that to me is what he deserved and his friend, but she new that if I promised to her not to touch him I would not, I have principles and if I give my word I am tied to my word I think it’s wrong but it’s what I did because of my word ,my promise, so I could not do anything to that scum even though I was screaming to be let loose, this passed over time I had no choice but to put it in the back of my mind, then she got cancer and it was in her brain,it caused her to regress, I did my hardest praying that I have ever done,I didn’t know how much I could beg god to help her because I new that she would go through it again, and I was right one day she called me bye his name and the colour drained from her and she froze, it was not her fault that she called me bye his name it’s the cancer, but at that point I felt useless because she was going through it again and I could not do anything for her my son had to take over the care of her as it was me that she put the name on and froze when I was around, I could not do anything to the scum because he killed himself with drinking, and when she passed in 2012 it’s been eating away at me ever since, I have tried almost everything you can think of to give me peace of mind to no avail, different ways of religion thinking and drugs, but it’s still there, it very bad on here birthday and anniversary of our marriage of which is coming up on the 23 September, and I am now down to staying in company with people for a short period of time because I can’t keep the act up for long these days and the time I can keep it up is getting shorter, I have had taxi drivers say that I look angry and one would not take me, but for me I just can’t find anything that can help me out, I am not addicted to anything I want to be as I was a happy person that likes a good joke and a laugh, but my public face is cracking,

I can’t depend on it these days, so this is my story sorry if I have upset people but it’s the truth, and I just don’t like to upset people that isn’t what I want to do and I don’t like to do or see sorry if it has.