BY Survivor
I was in a year-long relationship with my partner. In the beginning, he took me out on dates, showered me with love and affection, and showed me off to his friends. He was a school athlete and was busy with classes and practice, but he spent time with me at night whenever he got the chance. I was head over heels for him, and I thought I had found the one after he told me he loved me within three weeks of the relationship.
It slowly started changing the more he got to know me. I opened up about my past and childhood, and he explained that he would never leave or hurt me. The constant love bombing in the relationship made it so difficult for me to leave and caused me to justify his actions. I blamed myself for not making him happy.
The signs were all there: he would treat me differently in public compared to private, he would get upset whenever he heard me cry in the middle of the night, and he would yell at me or raise his voice whenever no one was watching. During the relationship, five people reached out to me via social media to “be careful” and that they had heard stories about him. I ignored them, except for the last two, which will be pertinent later in this story. We started to live with each other the next year along with another person on his team. They never added me to the lease. I asked my partner why and he explained that it was just a two-bedroom apartment, so only two people were allowed. I trusted him but I knew I should have searched it up. After we settled into the apartment, I asked him again, he said, “It would have been a lot more expensive if you were included in the lease.” During the time at the apartment, my partner would sexually touch me, both asleep and consciously, and would sometimes get frustrated when I rejected his advances.
Upon me bringing up my emotions surrounding the situation or my feelings on the relationship and his treatment towards me, he would turn the conversation to emotionally manipulate me. When I tried to leave and amicably break up with him, he would leverage his mental health against me. Whenever he would break up with me, I would beg him to stay, scared wondering where I would sleep that night or scared to accept leaving. Learning from the first time he had broken up with me and accepting his break up, he would beg me to stay within the next few days and explain that he would never do this again. Telling me, and promising me, that he loved me and that he was not mentally stable when he said this. If I still denied him, he would threaten self-harm and suicide to make me stay in the relationship: blaming any worsened states of mental health on me, and refusing any offers for him to seek professional help. He would sometimes bang his head against the car door or steering wheel when it was parked, as most of our intense arguments happened in the car or when his teammate was not in the apartment. I did not realize until now that it was a recurring pattern.
One of the scariest memories was when he wielded a knife during an argument, telling me that he was going to cut himself. He refused my offer to take him to the police to monitor his mental health or to be with his friends or teammates for support. When he broke up with me for the last time, it was the night I left and found the courage not to look back. His past two girlfriends explained to me that his actions were not a new occurrence and that he had also done something very similar to them as well when I talked to them in the car, alone. He came out to the parking lot where I told him I was talking to a friend and forced me to show my phone. When I did not comply, he yelled at me, verbally abused me, and threatened me. He left me alone to finish the conversation with them. When I entered the apartment after he walked back in, he was yelling at me and his teammate was also around. He told me that he did not love me anymore as well. Two male athletes supported each other and were double in muscle mass than me. I was scared that his anger that was once taken out on the car door and steering wheel was going to be taken out on me at that moment. I thought I was going to die that night. He later was laughing and joking about me leaving when my friend came in to help me move out after I called her. It was dehumanizing, and I felt so small at that moment. I was scared to call the police because I thought it was just a breakup that went bad.
He continued to text my friend who picked me up at night after she asked if we could come back to the apartment to pick up the rest of the stuff. After saying yes, he would explain to her how much he loves me and how much care he has for me, not just once, but multiple times. He also made a note for me and placed it on the back of an award of mine, writing it down on painter’s tape, saying that “he has more to say” and that he loves me and is in so much pain.
For anyone who has gone through domestic abuse or is currently going through it, I hope you know that you are not alone. Abuse and love bombing are not acts of true love or affection and you deserve unconditional love and support. People are out there to help you, and you will get the justice you deserve. They have stripped away your light and charisma, but I promise that there is hope once you leave. I hope my story has helped people understand that domestic violence comes with fake love and words of manipulation and does not just include physical and sexual abuse, but also emotional.
You are deserving of love and to feel safe in your relationship.
