Domestic Violence, Firearms, and Impulse Control

They don’t come out and tell you they’ve been violent before. They don’t necessarily tell you
they’re “into guns”. They don’t let you know they’re moving in AND have a gun. It’s also not the
a gun that is the real problem; it’s what they do when their violent impulses take over, and these
violent impulses turn into violent actions that are turned against others to express their level of
emotion.
There is no simple way to keep weapons out of the hands of people who shouldn’t have them –
it’s a given that violent people shouldn’t own weapons. The real culprit, however, is THEIR loss
of self-control, which is unpredictable and, obviously, difficult. Legally, those who are
guilty of domestic abuse cannot own firearms – that doesn’t mean someone violent is
going to abide by the law.
There are so many factors in the raising of a child. While innumerable cultural and societal differences exist, self-control and self-restraint must be guided throughout childhood and into the
teenage years. If this is not guided or taught within a safe environment, the child will “learn the
ropes” from his peer group as influenced by the culture around him. If there’s no one there to
provide boundaries, and small but significant natural consequences are missing as part of this
guidance, then impulse control may be severely impaired or missing altogether. However, once
a child is an adult, one understands they need to look and play the part expected of them within
society – this is part of the adaptability of a human and why it would be impossible to predict any
future violent action of an individual – unless you’ve got a real crystal ball!
This brings up so many thoughts of “gray areas” and “yellow flags.” You could be dating
someone for more than a year, finally, commit to a serious relationship or even marriage, and
never see any signs of severe lack of self-control/physical abuse or violence until well into the
relationship. Further still, if a violent outburst was an anomaly in your relationship, and even
conferring with friends and family that it is indeed an anomaly, there’s no way to predict whether
it would later include gun violence or not. This lack of self-control as the root cause of future gun
violence is unpredictable and unprecedented.
It’s not the “convenience” of weapons that are immediately available that is the
“causative factor” (anything can become a weapon). It’s not “premeditated impulse” – that’s a
nonsensical phrase – “I have a gun, so I will lose control and then kill the person who angers
me.” That’s not something you’d ever hear. These variables seem to reflect that
misdirected question or concern: “Why don’t you/didn’t you leave?” This would be like treating
Every man we even date is some sort of prohibited dog breed. Yes, I bought/dated a pit bull, but he was nice when I got him. The Doberman never exhibited any violent behavior →until he
did. When we experience even a yellow flag during our time of dating, as women and as people
in general who are compassionate towards each other, we take those yellow flags in stride
, Believing

Of course, there is always legislation introduced in the U.S. to curb gun ownership within specific
groups, but this is a battle that will be waged for a long time. The real battles are in ourselves,

education across the board. Today, we have
kindergarteners hurling chairs at teachers, youths physically attacking each other as well as
teachers and parents. Once these children grow up and act their part, how can we predict their “bad behaviors” in the world?
I would argue that we all must focus on our “spidey sense.” I’m not saying we shouldn’t
strive to keep weapons out of abusers’ hands, but that seems a near-impossible task. We’re all
familiar with some form of domestic “trickery” – gaslighting, manipulation, coercion, and control
tactics, etc., that is already unpredictable – and we live with these tactics as we tiptoe around our
own waking up to relationship-crazy-making behaviors at the moment, trying to maintain some
semblance of “normal life.”
Awareness is the key. It’s the key to most things – the first step to change, learning, and growth. This
is a skill that seems very elusive for those who have experienced trauma, especially trauma that
has occurred in the formative years (age 0-7). Having exited a DV situation and coming away from
that time with some distance, you can probably relate to the phrase, “There were some yellow
flags for sure, but…” Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. We gain some clarity and some peace of
mind as we are further away from our violent situations. Many of us wish we had a better grasp
on the subtlety of our own emotions, our own hesitations, our own “spidey sense” that wasn’t
fully functioning due to our own trauma. No, you won’t ever be able to predict others’ behaviors
but continuing to concentrate on developing your spidey sense of your own inner safety, your
intuitive gut sense, is paramount to your peace of mind and making good choices. I won’t boldly say, “If you knew better, you would have chosen better.” That would be assuming you
DID you have mind-reading capabilities or KNEW you were picking a prohibited dog breed? You
cannot know or predict another’s loss of self-control, which leads to violent actions. However,
whether you are entering another intimate relationship or even a friendship, it is imperative to
continue to grow your inner safety compass to make better decisions based on your
internal guidance system at any time.
● “Nearly half of all women killed in the U.S. are murdered by a current or former intimate partner; two-thirds of
women killed by an intimate partner are killed with a gun.”
● About 4.5 million women in the U.S. have been threatened with a gun, and nearly 1 million women have
been shot or shot at by an intimate partner
● Over half of all intimate partner homicides are committed with guns. A woman is five times more likely to be
murdered when her abuser has access to a gun
● The majority of femicide victims (76%) and of attempted femicide victims (85%) experienced stalking in the
12 months leading up to their homicide or homicide attempt.”
● in some countries with cultures that teach self-control and enforce it socially (parents with children, friends,
actual authority figures, etc), they are uniformly less confrontational, have higher rates of success, better overall
health,