By Debbie Crate
This is my emotional abuse survivor story.
I spent five years caught in the shadow of someone else’s double life. I was drawn in, manipulated through gaslighting, trauma bonding, and betrayal.
For half a decade, I lived under deception. I believed I was cared for, loved, and valued. In reality, I experienced exploitation of my trust, my loyalty, and my resources. What it left behind was heartbreak.
If you’ve ever questioned your worth after being deceived, know this: you are not crazy. You are not weak, and you are not alone.
“Healing from emotional abuse begins when we name what really happened.”
This is my emotional abuse survivor story where I will not to shame or slander, but to shed light on how narcissistic abuse operates. My hope is that if you’ve lived through something similar, you’ll see yourself here and remember: you are not alone.
The Double Life I Didn’t See
During those years, what I experienced felt like:
A life split between secrecy and appearance. Lies that kept me confused and dependent. Trust and loyalty exploited for personal gain.
Responsibility dodged while I carried the emotional burden and pain.
I was told I mattered. Yet the actions I saw told a different story — one of secrecy, cruelty, and betrayal. It wasn’t about connection. It was about control.
“This wasn’t love.”
This was emotional abuse disguised as affection.
Recognizing the Signs of Emotional Abuse
Looking back, I see the patterns clearly:
- Gaslighting → My pain was minimized. I was called “crazy” and made to question my reality. When my needs surfaced, I was made to feel irrational.
- Devaluation → One day I was “special,” the next I was dismissed, ignored, or silenced.
- Trauma bonding → Small crumbs of affection were mixed with cruelty, keeping me emotionally tied.
- Objectification → When I wasn’t physically present, I simply didn’t seem to exist.
- Dehumanization →I was turned into a secret and an object, rather than treated as a person.
- Abandonment → Emotionally, physically, spiritually, I was left alone when I needed support most.
- Erasure → My pain was ignored; I was humiliated or ghosted in times of crisis.
- Deception → I was fed stories of “marital disconnect” while he lived a double life.
- Public empathy performance → I saw gestures of care shown to others in public, while I was breaking in private.
This is how emotional abuse works: words of love paired with actions of harm. Over time, your mind fractures trying to reconcile the two.
The Mask He Wore
Narcissistic abuse often begins with a mask. Mine was a man who seemed attentive, romantic, and invested. But the truth was different. He lived a double life, deceiving not just me but others around him.
The mask was carefully maintained — affection on one side, lies and secrecy on the other. What I thought was love was, in reality, coercive control and emotional exploitation.
The Pain Behind the Mask
When I needed support most, it wasn’t there. I lay unconscious in a hospital bed, and what I received was silence. In public, there were gestures of empathy for others — but in my moment of need, I felt abandoned.
That’s the hallmark of this kind of abuse: image preservation. Empathy performed in public, indifference in private. It’s not a mistake. It’s a strategy.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Abuse wasn’t always obvious. In fact, it often came dressed as love. Looking back, the cycle was clear:
- Idealization: He showered me with attention, making me feel special, chosen, and seen.
- Devaluation: He minimized my feelings and dismissed my worth.
- Discard: When I became inconvenient, he ghosted me or abandoned me emotionally.
- Hoovering: Just when I pulled away, he reeled me back in with nostalgic words like, “There’s just something about you…”
This cycle didn’t happen by chance – it kept me emotionally tied while he maintained control.
The Abuse Engineered a Trauma Bond
He fed me breadcrumbs like:
“My marriage isn’t what it looks like.”
“There’s something about you I can’t stay away from.”
“You should be lucky I’m not kicking you out of my car.”
These weren’t slips of the tongue. They were calculated words — emotional baiting mixed with devaluation. This is the precise formula for a trauma bond: giving just enough attention to keep me invested, while simultaneously eroding my worth.
I was:
- Starved of validation
- Blamed for feeling pain
- Gaslit into believing the connection was special
- Convinced he was “trapped” or “conflicted”
But he was never conflicted. He was in control — and fed me just enough to keep me bound.
Breaking Free From the Cycle
Naming the abuse was the first step. Seeing that this wasn’t a love story, but a campaign of control, freed me from his grip.
I had to learn the following: intent doesn’t erase harm. Even if someone claims they “never meant to hurt you,” the damage is still real. Silence protects the abuser, not the survivor.
They fear exposure, not the loss of love. Love doesn’t confuse, belittle, or keep you hidden. Real love is safe, open, and healing.
What I Survived
Naming it for what it was is one of the hardest but most freeing steps I’ve taken.
I’ve survived gaslighting and manipulation that eroded my sense of self. Deception that spanned years. Emotional abandonment in moments when I needed support the most.
Cycles of cruelty that left me questioning if I was part of an experiment, not a relationship.
But I Survived, and I Am Here
I survived, and I am here today sharing my story so that others do not have to walk this road alone. Speaking out is not about defending myself or justifying my choice to use my voice. It is about embracing the power and freedom that come from finally breaking the silence.
For years, I carried shame that was never mine to carry. Silence became the cage that bound me to someone else’s lies. For five years, I lived under the weight of deception, as if the betrayal was somehow my fault. But telling the truth — my truth — has been the beginning of my healing.
“I was lied to. I was gaslit.”
Then I was dehumanized. And when it ended, I was made to feel like I was the problem. But here’s the truth: I was never the problem.
I was loyal, loving, and I was human. And I survived.
This story is not only mine; it belongs to every survivor who has ever questioned their worth, doubted their reality, or felt invisible inside someone else’s deception. By speaking, I honour all of us. By surviving, I reclaim myself. And by writing this, I hope to remind you: your voice matters, your healing matters, and you are never alone.
Unpacking a narcissist isn’t just about exposing them — it’s about reclaiming yourself.
Healing After Emotional Abuse
Walking away was not weakness. It was survival. To anyone reading this who feels stuck in the same cycle:
Cut off contact if you can — you can’t heal in the environment that hurt you. Seek trauma-informed support — therapy can help you untangle the lies from your truth. Reconnect with yourself — rediscover who you were before the abuse, and who you want to become now.
You Are Not Alone
If you’ve been through this, please hear me:
You are not crazy.
You are not weak.
But you are strong. You are awake. And you can reclaim yourself.
This is not just my story — it’s a survivor’s story.
And survivors rise!
Check These Resources:
- Therapeutic Interventions for Healing From Domestic Violence
- The Hidden Impact of Teen Dating Violence
- Find Support with BTSADV
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