By Iris Pendelton
Can Hide Behind Merry Matching Pajamas
They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, especially when everything looks merry and bright on the outside. I would say the same about relationships.
Holiday pictures and celebrations do not mean abuse isn’t happening. Sometimes abuse hides behind the holiday sweaters, the matching pajamas, the perfectly staged
Christmas tree, and all the holiday cheer. While others are excited to be off work for extended periods of time, the time off can be a nightmare for people living in an abusive household—including both adults and children.
You can’t judge a relationship’s health based on the cover photo on social media, because sometimes the reality people are living is much different than the one they present to the outside world.
The Best Kept Secret
Abuse is often the best-kept secret because everyone involved works hard to hide it. The abuser may act charming, kind, and well-mannered when others are around. They know exactly how to perform the merry Holidays act.
The abused person often works just as hard to cover things up, often hiding the bruises, the put-downs, the shame, the hurt feelings. Both people, in different ways, are hiding the truth.
As we approach the holiday season, it’s important to remember this.
We start seeing merry matching pajama photos, holiday parties, and smiling faces on social media. But please know this: The health of a relationship cannot be judged by a picture. A healthy relationship is judged by how the people in it treat one another.
In a healthy relationship, there will be:
- Mutual respect
- Kind conversation
- Communication
- Patience
- Understanding
- Gentleness
- and love.
Even during moments of stress, frustration, or anger, in healthy relationships, safety and respect remain.
Gifts Do Not Equal Love
A healthy relationship is not measured by the number of gifts gathered around the Christmas tree. Abusers can use gifts as manipulation. During the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle, they may buy lavish gifts or show big gestures to lure the person back in, to get them reinvested, to rebuild hope. This isn’t love. This is control!
The abusive cycle always returns to the same place which is the point where the abuser becomes irritated, explodes, or causes emotional or physical harm. The happy days are never permanent. They are part of the pattern.
So as we approach the holidays, please don’t assume someone is safe or happy just because you see gifts, holiday photos, matching pajamas, and smiling faces. Instead of judging the picture, listen to the person.
Pay attention to how they talk about their relationship. Sometimes there are subtle, almost hidden signs that something is wrong, even without them saying it directly. You just have to listen closely and not get distracted by the holiday lights, the holly, and the cheer.
If You’re in an Abusive Situation During the Holidays:
Safety First. Extended time together can increase risk.
Here are some safety strategies that may help:
- Create a Safety Code Word
Choose a word or phrase you can text or say to a trusted person that means: “I need help.” - Keep Important Documents Together
Place yours (and your children’s) ID, birth certificates, and important papers where you can grab
them quickly. - Have a Safe Room in Mind
Choose a room with an exit. Avoid the kitchen (weapons) or bathroom (no exits). - Plan Small “Errands”
Use grocery store trips, “forgotten ingredient” runs, or walking the dog as brief breaks to get
space or call for help. - Ask a Friend to Check In
Daily check-ins via text or call.
If you don’t respond, they know to call for help. - Memorize the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline
You don’t have to be ready to leave to talk to someone. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Final Thoughts
Don’t be fooled by perfect pictures and merry holiday greetings. Don’t assume the matching pajamas mean joy. And don’t confuse holiday cheer with emotional safety.
Relationships are not judged by what they look like in a photo. They are judged by how people feel inside them.
If you (or someone you know) is living a different reality than the one on the screen, your truth
matters, even if no one else sees it yet.
You deserve peace.
You deserve safety.
Most importantly, you deserve love that doesn’t hurt.
Check These Resources:
- Therapeutic Interventions for Healing From Domestic Violence
- The Hidden Impact of Teen Dating Violence
- Find Support with BTSADV
Support Line
Other Resources and Information:
