By Anonymous Survivor
It takes immense strength to keep going and choose to fight back after certain situations we face in our lives, and sadly mine involved abuse (saying that out loud takes more courage than you know).
The effects aren’t always visible to others or to yourself.
It is the worst kind of lonely to not be able to understand your own self and live in a state of constant uncertainty, doubt and fear, where you don’t even understand yourself, let alone have the tools be able to explain to others.
“So you make a choice.”
A choice to fight with all your strength to not allow the darkness to consume you, or; eat away at you. You make that choice to move on with no guidance or tools to know how.
So you say nothing and you withdraw and you fight every day – or do you avoid? Thoughts become so consumed and shadowed with how you may negatively impact another, so you continue silently fighting and saying nothing because it has become easier.
The aim here is to never concern others in an attempt to not be the ‘problem’ or because you are lead to believe you ARE the problem.
So this becomes the better option. Or an attempt to not accept the reality of your own pain.
The self denial and the lies you tell yourself almost become believable; or is it the known reality that as soon as you say out loud ‘I am not OK’, the flood gates open and you realise that you are not.
My Strength is In My Fight
But you fight so hard against yourself to overcome that ‘time when you were so lost and drowning in pain’; it becomes easier to forget, harder to address.
And you focus so much on wanting to ‘be ok’ and heal and prove your own strength to yourself and to others, that maybe we miss the ‘in between’. That is where the darkness is; waiting for you, questioning you, wanting in itself to be set free.
And when ‘the darkness’ creeps back in and rears its head, you empathise and understand, and you give all your strength to negotiate with it for some more time, convincing yourself that you can heal you both. But you lose.
It wins.
Don’t Let It Win
This is when the anger and self hate drowns you and you realize that you were not able to ‘be ok’; that you ‘let it take control’.
People ask why you can’t say how you feel. If I could explain the chaos I would. But also in saying out loud that you are not ok, opens the door to the deep sadness and realisation that ‘it actually did happen’.
It unlocks the memories, the pain, the overwhelming emotions that create fear and suffocation; but worst, the physical sign that ‘you are not ok’. A feeling of weakness and defeat.
To share the depths of the shame that is felt and to ask for support when you have spent so long being told you are to blame is confusing, so you say nothing, share less, hide more, doubt yourself more, build on that self hate and blame and get better at suppressing.
And truthfully, we know that is not fighting but it is an easier narrative to tell ourselves over trying to understand the feelings they created.
Strength in Deciding
To actually decide to fight back and commit to healing is the first battle that is won. But it is one that is sadly achieved with the upmost fear and done in chosen silence.
It will take courage and the upmost inner strength to be strong enough to overcome personal and external doubts, and I will stumble. I will regress, but I will learn and I will grow.
But I will never stop fighting to heal.
To Heal
Healing isn’t just about surviving the experience itself; it’s about rebuilding trust, regaining a sense of self-worth, and often navigating the world with invisible wounds. And it takes immense strength to want to heal and to commit to that journey.
People often underestimate that kind of resilience. They might see someone “doing fine” on the outside and not realize the effort it takes to function.
To smile, to trust, to love, or even just to get out of bed some days. That strength deserves recognition, compassion, and support — not self silence or allowing any misunderstanding.
My strength is real, even when no one sees it.
I am not weak for struggling.
I am powerful for surviving.
Check These Resources:
- Therapeutic Interventions for Healing From Domestic Violence
- The Hidden Impact of Teen Dating Violence
- Find Support with BTSADV
Support Line
Other Resources and Information:
