I look back now and at the beginning i even saw the signs and red flags with his drinking but i ignored them thinking its only at weekends. Each time he drank he changed. Whether it was his mask that slipped i still dont know. Over 2 years was enough to of felt like 10.
Every day life we never argued, we didnt even bicker.
We loved our daily routine of cooking together which we bonded well over, watching movies and tv together every night cuddling. I loved how i finally got a partner that cooked, cleaned and could take care of himself and me and my son. Being independent myself, as a single mother, i longed for someone who would take care of me occasionally even though i could always take care of myself. He even learnt things about my son day to day life stuff that my sons dad doesnt know. Sounds great right? So the odd drunken night out doesnt matter when we are so good majority of the time?
I loved finally becoming a family. I longed for not being a single parent anymore even though it was my choice, i always said id never settle for anything less than what i deserve, untill i met him.
Little did i know years of hard work of becoming the best verison of myself would be chipped away at me everyday. The worst part was some days i even recognised it yet pushed it in the back of mind. Why? Because i just held onto hope.
He would say he wasnt an alcoholic, he didnt need to drink. But he chose to every Thursday to sunday he was drunk. Day and night he was out. He blamed it on his field of work finishing early and going pub. His social friends were all the same and they had known each other since childhood. Over 25 years of habit of drinking after work was what they loved to do. I never wanted to be that person to tell him not to go out, not to drink or not to go see his friends.
I wasnt that girl for a very long time, until when i tried to put boundaries in place at the end it.
I cannot explain in words how cruel and toxic he became when drunk. I didnt speak about it to friends in detail for over a year to how he behaves because it almost sounds made up. I was worried they wouldnt believe me, because how can someone just switch for no reason? How can someone be so cruel? Surely i did something to trigger him? No i didn’t.
In the evenings i was always in bed and my son asleep in his room and ill be watching tv. He would bombard me with messages. 1 minute he loves me so much. The next minute, im fat, ugly, whore, slag, lazy.
I spent a good 18 months crying every weekend trying to get him to see im not those things. The emotional abuse was a weekly thing on repeat the same thing happened.
He would break up with me every time via these messages and then 10 minutes later tells me he loves me again. The world wind of abuse to love bombing to abuse again was so emotionally draining. It baffled me to why he behaved in such ways. He had insecurities and i wanted to help him. Fix him. It was in my nature, my passion, little did i know it would be what completely breaks me.
He had his own place but he lived with us. The amount of times we would be great, id wish him a good night out and we’d part the day on good terms. I wouldnt see him for days after because by then hes broken up with me and supposedly stayed at his flat. I would be up at 4am wishing hed come home safe not knowing whats happened.
Little did i know that i would be soon wishing hed not come home.
When we was out with his friends, all the couples are just as bad as him. Drink crazy amount and always fight badly. But they were a tight family group that nothing broke them. They would treat each other terribly and wake up like nothings happened. I never understood how but its crazy how i again longed for what i stupidly thought was loyalty amongst friends. Because they never fell out despite the constant dramas, emotional and physical abuse the gave each other within their partners.
Over time i saw how toxic it was and i kept everyone at arms length.
The first occasion it happened, we was out together with the friendship group. As usual he switched and left me, i was always debating whether i should go after him because if i did id get more abuse or if i went home on my own id get accused of cheating. I on this occasion went after him. We got into bed and i tried to calm him down by showing him love but he punched me several times and threw me around like a doll dragging me by my feet whilst i was half naked. He threw me on the floor and choked me for what felt like minutes. I thought i was going to die. I got away and ran bare foot half naked and called the police.
I didnt write a statement, i was over whelmed by emotions. I needed the sober loving verison of him to make me feel okay. In that moment is where i lost myself, my spark, my self respect, because i knew that i lost my boundaries and i was confused.
I thought people wouldnt believe me so i kept quiet.
Speeding months up, hed come home and break stuff. Id always cook dinner waiting for him to be home but he never showed. When and if he did, he would throw his dinner in my face. Telling me im a whore.
He was the one out all the time, the lies, the cheating, the manpulation.
Hed be too hungover to go work by the end of a long weekend bender and hed be back to his nice sober self. It took him a while to hold accountability but i would sit down and try speak to him and after 100s of chats and no changed behaviour, i ended up tolerating it and hed wake up not remembering any of it and i had no energy left in me to keep talking about it. When i did, he always turned around on me. And say i dont care about him? I dont do enough for him!
I tried many approaches when he came home drunk, i could be calm and loving, patient, but if i didnt want to have sex he would be abusive. I would end having sex with him to stop him from shouting at me. I was walking on egg shells, pretending to be asleep, but hed wake me up to argue. Argue about someone i slept with 3 years prior him. The punches became regular when drunk. He never remembered it. Hed wake up in the morning cuddling me and back to a different verison of him making me tea and breakfast. It was an emotional roller coaster. I felt like i was in a relationship with 2 people at times. I mourned the sober him everytime he was drunk.
The second worst time, we were out at his family do, he got too drunk and got angry i was talking to his uncle. He left me there and when i went home shortly after he beat me bad. Punched me so many times, kicked me in the stomach, strangled me. I laid crying on the floor as he mocked me as i was hyperventilating. I woke up the next day knowing he had burst my ear drum, which the doctor confirmed and i couldnt hear for weeks. I couldnt speak from being strangled. The amount of days i called in sick from work i was on edge of loosing my job which id be in for 5 years but i couldnt tell them the truth. I didnt want to be seen as a victim. I left him for a few weeks, hed turn up drunk banging down my door. He punched my car. Sometimes i let him in if he swore hed quieten down and fall asleep on the sofa.
I didnt want the neighbours waking up nor my son. I didnt want him there, but i felt so much pressure and out of control. Hed cry and tell me he wants to kill himself. Begged for me back. I left my job as i was severeally depressed. He didnt drink for a few months and we had 0 arguments. He went to therapy and found all the right ways sweet talk me into believing he was actually changing. But i didnt last..
3rd big time was the same again, he beat me at his flat yet called the police on me because he wanted me to leave but he didnt give me a chance to whilst i was on the floor half dressed just being battered. I was so stunned by this. I left and ran bare foot covered in blood to my friends house at 3am. He never gave my details to the police. He wouldnt because he was so drunk hed knew it was him that be in trouble. However they turned up the next day at my house asking if i was okay? I lied and said yes. I didnt want SS involved. Would they believe me yet he called? He was manipulative. It fucked with my head in thinking noone would believe me. I still dont understand his motive that night. Did he really think he was the victim?
His friends and family behind his back would tell me to leave him and that he would never change but everytime hed beat me up, theyd be there drinking with him from 11am all weekend and never once told him to his face. If i looked at his friends for too long, if i went outside for a cigarette for more than 5 minutes, if i apparently looked at another bloke. Hed give me this look through his drunken eyes and id knew it wasn’t going to end well.
I ended up contacting his ex who lived in spain (due to hearing he use to beat her) and everything he did to me he did to her but worse. We secretly stayed in contact for a long period of time because she was the only person who truly understood me and what he is like. She was amazing. She moved to spain and it wasnt until then he stopped the contact. I only wished i had her in the UK. I felt so alone. Noone understood. My friends didnt understand how hard it is to leave for various of reasons.
The last occasion he came home and smashed up both my tvs and beat me when my son was here, he didnt see but he heard and was terrified. That was then when i called the police and he was arrested with a bail conditions of no contact. I allowed him to hurt me for so long but i always said if it ever effected my son id leave.
The first week was horrendous, the guilt, the lonelyness, the pain. I didnt understand my feelings. I was crying uncontrolablly. I missed the sober him. He contacted me, i didnt report it. I already had SS weekly visits and they didnt show any empathy and judged me for not leaving or writing a statement. I just wanted SS off my case for various reasons but mainly because they made me feel worse and were not supportive.
Hed show up at 5am and broke in my house begging.
3 months went by and he begged most days, sent me gifts each week, money, even food parcels. It was difficult and some days i caved. I was mourning in some trauma bond. Some days it felt peaceful, but other days i felt so alone.
They dropped the charges as to be expected and after blocking him on everything, it turned to showing up and emails. Telling me how much he loves me.
I bump into him or his friends every week whether its in town or at a shop or restaurant. Everywhere i go they are there drunk in our small town. I cant escape it.
I may have to get that restraining order. The SS just closed the case i dont want them to re open it and have to question my son anymore. He wants to be left alone too.
I have a lot of work to do on myself again, to focus on my son. Some days i aim to continue to progress in my new career and not mess it up again due to my mental health. But some days i want to lie in bed and not speak to anyone for weeks. I dont sleep. I physically feel so unwell all the time. I feel so alone yet suffocated.
I wished i never met him.
Im not the same girl i use to be.
