What can a grieving mother do after her loss? 

1. Find a community of support     

In coping with the loss, it can be helpful to find a community of support. You are not alone. Don’t feel like you have to do it alone. Form connections with those who will be there to encourage you. Tara credits having strong systems of support with helping her through the early days of losing her child.  

Connect with others who share a similar experience. Tara also found it helpful to look for other families on social media who had experienced the loss of a child. One of these days she was searching through social media when she stumbled upon the BTSADV page. She found BTSADV in its infancy, only months after it began. She began volunteering with the organization. Today she leads this organization and provides help to so many others.  

2. Tell your child’s story 

When the time is right, you can tell your child’s story. Keep your child’s story alive. Your child’s story might be the turning point in another person’s life that changes their path. Your child’s story may be the key to freedom for someone else. It is a powerful story, and someone needs to hear it.  

As a woman of faith, Tara mentioned the importance of her faith in helping her cope with losing a child. She felt inspiration from God to speak out and tell her story. She also felt inspired by Ashleigh to tell her story. Tara began doing speaking engagements to share her story around the same time she began volunteering with BTSADV. Ashleigh’s story is so powerful. It has been read by people all over the world. Tara recalls more than one of Ashleigh’s friends telling her that they had left their abuser, or were planning to leave, thanks to her sharing Ashleigh’s story.  

3. Cope in Healthy Ways 

Be mindful of unhealthy coping mechanisms you may have. If pain causes you to turn to substances or alcohol, it is important to be aware of this. Do not use substances to drown out the pain. Identify healthy coping mechanisms. Do what feels good but do what is also healthy. Tara wore her daughter Ashleigh’s favorite color purple for a while. Wearing purple reminded her of her daughter and provided a healthy way for her to cope with the loss.  

4. Be in Tune with Yourself and listen to your body  

Mothers spend so much time caring for the needs of others and hearing the needs of others. It is important for you to also attune to yourself to be aware of your needs. Listen to your body. If you are tired, rest. If you need to take a day off, give yourself the grace to do so. Grief can take a toll on your body, both mentally and physically. Even if you look OK on the outside, the grief can still be affecting your body. Remember, just because you can’t see the root of the pain doesn’t mean it’s not there. Psychological pain is pain, and it still hurts. Acknowledge the pain. Allow yourself to experience the feelings that come. Be patient with yourself because there will be hard days sometimes. You just have to keep getting up each morning and facing each new day.   

5. Heal at a pace that is comfortable for you 

“Don’t listen to what other people tell you about your healing. Listen to your own heart. Grief is a cycle. It is ok to be in any of the stages in the grief cycle. Just don’t get stuck. You may even redo parts of the grief cycle. It is not linear. It’s ok to have the feelings.” 

-Tara Woodlee.  

Take your time and heal. Do not feel that you need to rush through the healing process. Your healing is not on a timeline. Healing is a personal experience, and it looks different for everyone experiencing it. 

6. You can keep items from your child’s life 

You don’t have to get rid of your child’s items. You can keep the items and possessions that belonged to your child. You don’t have to give up those things. That is another way of keeping your child’s memory alive. Tara has many of Ashleigh’s items and some of them have been repurposed. One Mother’s Day Ashleigh’s sister had a paperweight made from the license plates that were on Ashleigh’s truck. What a creative way to preserve this memory of something she had owned. Tara also has ideas for how she might repurpose some of Ashleigh’s other items. Ashleigh’s remaining clothes might be passed down to Tara’s grandchildren or they may become a quilt.  

7. Bring joy to a day that may be painful 

Tara’s birthday comes with some sadness since the man who took her daughter’s life has a birthday on the same day. This year Tara decided to bring joy to that day by taking her grandchildren to the zoo to celebrate. She took that day back and brought joy to a day that was somewhat painful. You have the power to bring your own form of joy to a day.  

WHAT CAN SUPPORTERS OF A GRIEVING MOTHER DO? 

1. It’s OK to mention things that trigger memories of the child 

Sometimes people are nervous to mention the child who has died. They may feel that they have to tiptoe around topics that might cause the mother to think about her child. People may avoid the child’s name in conversations, because they are afraid of triggering pain and grief. Tara mentioned a friend who was apologetic after mentioning the Harry Potter movie when she realized that Ashleigh really liked the books from that series. Tara wants people to know that mothers want to be reminded of those beautiful memories of their child. Talking about the child who has died is not a taboo topic.  

2. It’s ok to provide beautiful reminders of the child who was lost 

Mothers want to preserve the beautiful memories of their child. Tara shared heartwarming memories of Ashleigh’s life. She told of a time she came to her daughter’s defense when a teacher rudely disagreed with a new hair color choice Ashleigh had made. Another time, a visit from a friendly squirrel at the zoo reminded Tara of Ashleigh’s love of squirrels as a young child. As a young child Ashleigh made friends with the neighborhood squirrels. She named them, talked to them, and fed them out of her hand. Ashleigh was a squirrel whisperer in a sense. I could hear the joy in Tara’s voice as she shared these memories. Mothers treasure the memories of those joyful moments shared with their child. 

3. Be patient with the healing mother and do not rush her healing 

Two of the worst things you can say to a grieving mother are:  

“Are you not over this yet?”  

and 

“You have other children.”  

Never say these things to a grieving mother. No matter how long it has been, the pain still lives on in that mother’s heart. No matter how many other children she has, the mother still feels the loss of her child who has died. Losing a child is something that a mother will never completely get over. No one should be enforcing a time limit for the mother’s healing. 

With Mother’s Day upon us, it is especially important for us to remember mothers who have lost a child to domestic violence. For many this holiday may be filled with joy and celebration. For mothers who have lost a child this day may serve as a reminder of their grief.  

[Excerpt from a Poem for Grieving Mothers] 

Sometimes, we feel we don’t know the right words to say, 

But please know, Mother, that we want to be here to comfort you today. 

Today, Mother, it is you we want to embrace. 

We want to wipe the tears from your face.  

Today we want to hold you up and help you stand. 

Today, Mother, we want to hold your hand. 

We want to encourage you and let you know that even though  

Things will never quite be the same  

You still remain…  

A MOTHER . 

Our love and support continue today,  

Mother’s Day,  

and every other day.   

There are so many of us that love Mother’s Day. We get to show all our love and appreciation for our mothers. They have raised, supported, loved, and taught us. Those nights when we feared thunder, they would hold us all night. Then they held us all night with our first heartbreak, and we cried together. What amazing and strong women that have sacrificed so much. We want to thank you and wish you the best Mother’s Day. We will also NEVER forget the beautiful angel moms watching over us who are in our thoughts, especially on this day.  

This is for another set of voices that need to be heard on Mother’s Day. For those abused by mothers. You might often hear at work or when you are out that someone says they ‘hate this holiday.’ To these people we say, “We want to hear you!” Not only is it hard for some that don’t have a mother around, it can also be a day with lots of triggers for the abused.   

There is no right place to start this blog, honestly. There is so much pain around this subject. Then the reality that our entire lives are affected by our childhoods. Many may feel fear, abandonment, loneliness, sadness, and/or anger with any type of abuse from a parent. Just like any form of domestic violence, a mother can abuse you emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially, and sexually.  

Each year in the United States between 1,670 to 1,740 children die from neglect or physical abuse in the home. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, “Almost five children die every day from child abuse.” For those who survive this abuse, their mothers have also created wounds that don’t heal easily, both physically and emotionally. Abusing children often results in childhood aggression & misbehavior starting from a very young age. In return the children are abused further for their behavior, growing up confused by the behavior modeled to them. They have no experience of what a healthy mother relationship might look like. This may cause fear in the future around having healthy relationships of all types.  

I was able to talk to two amazing survivors about their abuse with their mothers. Their stories are just a piece of their lives and will be respected by remaining anonymous. The following are paraphrased versions of our conversations:   

MY ABUSE STARTED AROUND THE AGE OF 7 OR 8. I WAS ONE OF 3 CHILDREN THAT WERE INVOLVED. I WAS ABUSED EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, AND FINANCIALLY. MY FATHER, WAS AROUND DURING THIS TIME, BUT HE ALWAYS SEEMED DISTANT. HE WASN’T THERE EMOTIONALLY.   

WE WERE NEVER TAUGHT BOUNDARIES GROWING UP. WE DIDN’T LEARN POLITE BEHAVIOR EITHER. IN RETURN, WE WERE DIFFICULT CHILDREN AND NOT WELL BEHAVED. SOME OF OUR FAMILY HAD AN IDEA OF WHAT WAS GOING ON, BUT PROBABLY HAD NO IDEA OF HOW TO APPROACH IT. THE SAME WITH OTHERS, THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN SEEING HOW WE MISBEHAVED AND SIMPLY CONCLUDED WE WERE WILD CHILDREN. MAYBE THEY ASSUME WE NEEDED DISCIPLINE FOR BEING BAD KIDS. MY PARENTS WOULD EXPLODE WHEN WE MISBEHAVED— INSTEAD OF PUTTING IN THE HARD AND DIFFICULT WORK OF RAISING CHILDREN. BEING YOUNG, THOUGH, I DIDN’T REALLY KNOW SOMETHING WAS OFF WITH THE WAY WE WERE RAISED.   

MY MOTHER WAS A PRODUCT OF MULTIPLE TRAUMAS. SHE HAD A SAD LIFE OVERALL. GENERATIONAL TRAUMA IS REAL. I NEVER HAD A REAL BOND WITH HER BECAUSE OF EVERYTHING. MOTHER’S DAY IS A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD FOR ME AND BITTERSWEET. I AM A PROUD MOTHER BUT CAN NEVER LOOK TO MY MOM AS AN EXAMPLE. I’M NOT SURE IF I LOVE HER OR NOT… BUT I WISH HER HAPPINESS, HEALING, AND PEACE.  

I STARTED MY HEALING PROCESS IN MY 20’S. I EDUCATED MYSELF ON PSYCHOLOGY, DIFFERENT RELIGIONS, AND ESPECIALLY PARENTING BEFORE BECOMING A MOM. I’LL ALWAYS BE IMPERFECT, BUT I WILL ALWAYS LISTEN AND BE THERE FOR MY CHILDREN. TO OTHER WOMEN IN THIS SITUATION ON MOTHER’S DAY, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. I LEARNED THAT YOU NEED TO HAVE COMPASSION FOR HER AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR YOURSELF IN HEALING. 

The second interview:  

I STARTED TO RECOGNIZE MY ABUSE WHEN I WAS ABOUT 9. MY MOM WOULD EMOTIONALLY ABUSE ME. SHE WAS MARRIED TO MY STEPDAD WHO WAS A DRUNK. THERE WERE LOTS OF TIMES SHE WOULD CONVINCE HIM TO DISCIPLE ME FOR BEING A BAD CHILD. THE FIGHTS GOT WORSE AND SO DID MY ATTITUDE. MY MOM WOULD CALL ME STUPID AND A DUMBBELL. SHE CONSTANTLY BELITTLED ME.  

THE HOUSE HAD LOTS OF HOLES IN THE DOORS OR WALLS, BECAUSE I WOULD SLAM DOORS. MY STEPDAD WOULD PUNCH THE DOOR TO GET IN MY ROOM THAT I WOULD BARRICADE. HE WOULD TELL ME TO DROP MY PANTS AND WHIP ME WITH HIS BELT. WHEN THE FIGHT WAS OVER MY MOM WOULD GO AND CHECK ON MY STEPDAD… NOT ME. THEN THE NEXT DAY I WAS TOLD I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND CALLED STUPID.  

THERE WAS EVEN A FIGHT WHERE I ENDED UP SCRATCHING MY MOM’S FACE WITH HER SKIN UNDER MY NAILS. IT WAS AN ABUSIVE CYCLE. I WAS A BAD KID BECAUSE OF HOW I WAS BEING TREATED. I KEPT EVERYTHING INSIDE UNTIL I WOULD EXPLODE. 

I STARTED TO SMOKE AND DRINK. I RAN AWAY 4 TIMES AS WELL. ON THE 4TH TIME I RAN AWAY, I WAS GONE FOR A YEAR BEFORE GETTING CAUGHT BY COPS. WHEN I WAS BACK HOME, I HAD TO SLEEP IN THE LIVING ROOM. IN THE YEAR I WAS GONE I REALIZED THAT I NEEDED TO ENDURE THIS TO REAP THE BENEFITS. I HAD TO WORK WITH THE ENVIRONMENT TO SURVIVE. I DEALT WITH THIS TILL THE DAY I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL ON MY 18^TH BIRTHDAY, AND I LEFT.  

MY MOM WAS NEVER OPEN OR SHARED ANYTHING ABOUT HER PAST. I BELIEVE SHE MUST HAVE HAD SOME TRAUMA OR A HARD LIFE. I FEEL LIKE SHE DID THIS BECAUSE I WAS A REPRESENTATION OF THE MISTAKES SHE MADE IN HER LIFE. THE MEMORY OF EVERYTHING IS JUST AS HARD NOW THAT I AM OLDER. I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT OF TIMES, AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO LOVE HER LIKE I AM OBLIGATED TOO.   

TO THIS DAY I HAVE HAD PROBLEMS WITH THE MEN I’VE HAD IN MY LIFE. WHEN I WAS MARRIED, I TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT IT FELT LIKE I WAS MARRIED TO MY MOM. HE ALWAYS BELITTLED ME AS WELL. ALSO, 
DATING SOME GUYS I NEVER SEEMED TO BE GOOD ENOUGH OR DO ENOUGH.  

I AM A MOTHER OF 2 NOW AND WAS WORRIED AT THE BEGINNING THAT MY TRAUMA WOULD AFFECT THEM LIKE IT DID ME. I LEARNED THOUGH TO LISTEN TO MY KIDS. I AM INVOLVED IN THEIR LIVES, BUT NOT TOO INVOLVED. I CARE FOR AND AM PATIENT WITH THEM AS WELL. I REALIZE NOW IN MY LIFE THAT I HAVE THE POWER. I DON’T CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME AND WILL ALWAYS PUT MY KIDS & MYSELF FIRST.   

Both these women are strong, amazing survivors. They both are dedicated, fearless, hard-working mothers as well. To blossom from trauma is not easy. It can be a daily fight, but the reward for them is their children who love and smile daily. Learning compassion and how to forgive others who have drastically changed your life in negative ways is possible. Remember you are never alone, there is help and support. You are not your mother nor her mistakes. You are fearless, bold, and uniquely you.   

Happy Mother’s Day to the abused mothers working everyday cherishing, raising, and loving their children.   

Websites used in this article  

Mothers are more likely to abuse children than fathers. Fact?

“Life doesn’t come with a manual; it comes with a mother.”

Unknown

Mother’s Day becomes a tough occasion to celebrate if you are someone who has recently moved out of an abusive relationship. Yet, it doesn’t have to be a day where you experience grieving, sadness, nor loneliness. Rather, it should be a day to celebrate your strength, your courage, and your grace. A day to celebrate your fortitude in providing the best life possible for your kids and yourself.  

There are many ways in which you could celebrate and, in doing so, find both peace & understanding within yourself.  

1 – Establish Boundaries  

It’s an accentuated aspect of living an authentic life… You can establish your boundaries so that no one may ever again mistreat nor disrespect you, as your ex-partner did. Explore what healthy boundaries look like to you. This will help you get to know who you are; what you expect out of your life; and how your children may be raised in the best possible manner.  

2 – Celebrate the Divine  

When you become a mother, you become like a goddess in the eyes of God. It’s a divine responsibility to bring a life into this world and enrich it with so much care, affection, & courage. Honour yourself and celebrate this day in your own unique way— this may mean something as simple as writing love letters to your children to let them know what they mean to you.  

3 – Honour Yourself and Your Feelings  

While enduring the abuse in a long-term relationship can break your spirit, it can also teach you how to honour your feelings. Honour yourself by acknowledging the abuse, writing about the abuse, recognize & give compassion to the parts of you that feel damaged, take time to honour what you are most grateful for, and most importantly how you will be leaving the abuse patterns behind and building a life where no other human being will take decisions for you except you.  

4 – Nurture Your Future  

Ending an abusive relationship doesn’t mean the end of your life. Build a routine which nurtures the life you have ahead of you, and allow yourself to take short breaks whenever needed. There is no hurry in planning your life but do indulge in activities that you have missed out on pursuing while being with an abusive partner. It’s your time to shine on, to build & nurture relationships that bring life to you and your children.  

5 – Put Yourself As Your First Priority 

Did you forget to take care of yourself while living with an abusive partner? It becomes difficult to process the abuse and take actions that serve your best interests. So, it’s time to prioritize yourself and put yourself in the first place. Nobody else is going to do that for you. You can rebuild your life from scratch, owning that the best parts could be built on your own terms & choices.  

6 – Reflecting on Your Personal Growth  

Abusive relationships usually snatch away your sanity and a will to live a good life. Now, though, you don’t have to think about the days when you only suffered. Rather, think about the days when you started passing those hurdles and made good positive strides in your life. What steps did you take to overcome your fears and raise your children on your own? Reflect on your positive and strong aspects of life. Then, chart a plan for your future personal growth.  

You can do so by contacting self-help groups, domestic violence support professionals, joining activities with people who have been through the same pattern of abuse, and healing support groups, too.  

To sum this up, your life starts for real when you end an abusive relationship. Please never let yourself down thinking about the abuse. Instead, remember you did everything in your power to end it which, in turn, led you to a renewed phase of finding yourself.