My Story – Ellie

I am breaking my silence…
When I was 15, I attempted suicide. I was shy and reserved after. I found skateboarding and started going to the skate park where I met him, the guy I have had a crush on for 3 years before I started dating him. I knew he was too old and so I tried dating other people. That never worked out. I was being cheated on and emotionally abused. When I turned 18, I wanted to give it a try and shoot my shot with him since I was still attracted to him, or was it just the fact that he was the first friend I had after my suicide attempt? I guess I will never truly know. We started going out on dates and at first, I thought I had found the love of my life. He was sweet, and caring, and empathetic. He seemed to truly care about me. About 2 weeks in I got frustrated that he wouldn’t let me come over and hang out. It was always in my car. I ended up yelling at him and finally he broke down and told me why. He was embarrassed because there were holes in the wall from him. He said they were from when he was on drugs, and I believed him. I told him I would never judge him or the house (he lives with his mom) and finally he asked his mom if I could come in, and I did. It was horrible. The wall had might as well been tore down. There was no saving it. His mom had tried to patch them up and she has put many pictures to cover some up. The only room that didn’t have any was his own, and his bathroom. At this point I had gotten a little scared and wanted to leave. I tried to leave without mentioning the house because I promised him I wouldn’t. We had gotten into arguments about every little thing the previous two days before I tried to leave, the day the abuse started. I had called him and told him that I wanted to talk. When I got on the phone with him, I had told him I didn’t want to continue the relationship and that it was hurting me more than helping me. He yelled at me and said I didn’t understand what he was going through and how hard it was on him, and he threatened to kill random people if I ever left him. I didn’t know what to say so I just said OKAY, and that same phone call he forced me to say I love you before I was ever ready. So, I said that I loved him, and I got off the phone and went to bed. The next day it just got worse. I don’t remember what exactly I did, but I know I didn’t do anything wrong. He blew up at me, used my trauma against me, and called me unspeakable things. At this point I started to lose myself. He told me that nobody else loved me or cared for me and I started to believe him. I pushed all my friends away. After work I was expected to lie to my mom and to come over. I was expected to check in before work and when I didn’t because I would be late, I got yelled at. I had times where I had to be home at a certain time and he would tell me that my mom doesn’t decide when I go home, he did. I came home every day pretending to be fine and happy because I knew that my mom would ask questions and if she did, I would break down crying and would open up. I was too scared of him to do that. He was beating me, but only on the back half of my body, my back, bottom and thighs. Luckily, I had minimal bruises. I finally tried to leave him again but this time I decided to do it in public and in person. I picked him up and we went to our usual coffee shop. I told him I was leaving him. He took that part well, but he said something I didn’t like. I called him out on it and told him to find his own way home. He followed me out to my car, and he physically held me back from leaving, and when I escaped his grip, he wouldn’t let me close the door. I decided to call my mom and she threatened to come up there and call the cops. When I got home, I got texts from him telling me to kill myself, that I deserved to get raped and to go get raped again. I was in so much mental pain I decided to call out of work for the day and ended up getting fired. I decided to reconnect with a friend after I had stopped talking to him. We decided to go to the skatepark, and he ended up texting me. I told him I was at the skatepark with a friend, and he told me he was coming up there. I had been about 10 minutes before I saw that text. I told my friend to go home for his own safety and I was going to do the same. Right as I was about to back up, he came behind the car, to my window, and tried to break the windows and tried to force the door open. He did this to every door and window while yelling at me calling me a bitch and asking me if I was scared in a rude taunting way. He left and I called the police on him, but they said they couldn’t do anything even with proof that he had threatened to kill me. I ended up going back to him as most survivors do. The same cycle went on and he finally threatened to kill me again. I had been so tired of it and he was much more detailed in this threat, so I took it to my school AP, I was finishing up my senior year and I am so glad I was still in school. She was so helpful, and she helped me not go back to him. I had a few close calls, but I caught myself before fully going back. I later met my current boyfriend who had really saved me from going back. He is so much more kind, and my family can tell. My mom, not knowing much, has still been my biggest supporter and has helped me tremendously. I am not a survivor, and I will continue to heal and thrive without him.