My Story – Morgan

I was 13 when I met my ex. He was 22. We dated off and on but really got together in July 2011. From the start there were so many red flags. He coerced me into prostitution. We had a very sleazy/toxic relationship. He had abused me financially and physically. Then in 2014 I found out I was pregnant. He seemed so genuine when he said he was going to change for us. At 4 months pregnant, he stole my car and my purse, leaving me in Illinois. My mom had to drive from Ohio to get me. I thought I was done. So for the next few months I got a job and started doing right. I stayed with my parents. I was proud of myself. Just 2 weeks before my due date, he showed up. Crying and admitting he was on drugs. Begging for help getting clean. I bought the lies. I had my daughter and just 3 weeks after her birth, he threw her onto the bed to attack me for being upset over obvious drug use. His family were enablers. They cornered ME and said I can’t take HIS baby. And for the next 3 years, I just took the abuse. He would run off, supposedly going to get diapers or milk. He’d show up 3 days later and kick in my door if I didn’t open. He’s broken in windows. And would enter my home and beat me for even trying to say no about him coming in.
One day I moved my daughter and I to CO. He found us in weeks, broke into my apartment and held me hostage while attacking me. So as before, I just gave up. I let him stay.
My daughter suffered more than ever through this last year of us together in 2018-2019. She had uncontrollable behavior. She was extreme only. Extremely sad or extremely mad. She was always home, so she saw everything. At 3 and a half, her dad dragged me up the stairs, slammed my bedroom door and held a gun to me. He had me by my hair and I let him rip so much of my hair out just to get distance from him. My daughter busts in and literally stands between us. She extended her arms and just looked at him. I had security of it and added a PG part into the video. He became so enraged by her choice in defending me that he knocked my top 3 front teeth out. I had to get 4 veneers. In 2019 just a month after that I found out I was pregnant again. I was so weak, I was going to get an abortion so the new baby wouldn’t suffer like his sister has. At 8 weeks I went to planned parenthood. I’m hysterical and thinking it’s ok I’m protecting him. I realized I’m failing my daughter by not protecting her and failing my baby by killing him so his father doesn’t do the same. The father is the problem , not the baby. I left planned parenthood and from that day on I just tried getting a plan together. He knew I was done. He hurt me more during those 6 months than any other point in the 10 years we were together. At 8 months pregnant I felt trapped. He had stolen my savings account money, my plan was failing. So I fell to my knees one day, my daughter was sleeping and we were locked in my room where we were most of the time. Hiding away from him.
I begged God for a way out. I didn’t care about the money he took. I just needed him to leave so I could get out our clothes at least. Finally, on February 2nd 2020, he had a relative due out of state. He left for the funeral on February 4th. I grabbed suitcases for myself and my daughter and my son being born. My son was born 5 days later on February 9 2020.
Since then, it’s been hard. My daughter is suffering tremendously. She has ptsd. She comfort ate so bad she’s become obese. She’s only 8. She cries anytime she thinks of their father, which is daily. She just can’t seem to find the joy in our new life. She’s stuck in the pain of the past. And we got out when she was 4. She is the saddest child I’ve ever encountered. She struggles with making friends. She’s been bullied relentlessly this year. The effects don’t go away when we leave, and I had no clue how hard it would be.
I became an isolated and depressed woman, nothing like I ever was. I’m afraid to leave my house. I rarely get out to get groceries. It’s been so hard mentally and emotionally. My parents, I thank god for them, have helped us so much. But that just piles on the guilt and shame.
My son leaks fatherless. He has my dad, and I’m grateful for that, but it’s obvious that he lacks the male attention from home. Any male we encountered (I haven’t dated at all) but just at the park or something, my son will do anything to get near the dad.
I never imagined the depth of the problems that were created. You don’t fully know until you know.
My daughter had once listened to this YouTube repeatedly, this video called hi evie hi daddy, and it’s a sad conversation between father and daughter, father was dying and saying goodbye. My daughter cried for an hour, just replaying that. It was like she was giving herself the goodbye she never got.
Their father pays no child support. He realized I wouldn’t take him back and he never text or called. He’s never said happy birthday messages or merry Christmas texts. Not once in 3 going on 4 years.
We haven’t gotten to this happy point since leaving. I’m praying that we can find it soon. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts, just because the pain I see in my children, my daughter especially. The guilt is my biggest struggle. It’s hard to feel so responsible for their pain.
Please, pray for us, pray for our pain to be lifted and the future to be brighter. Thank you.